Don't know where else to turn. Can someone help?
Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 3:25 pm
Hi there
I am new to this forum, and i hope I am in the right place! I am needing much help and some advice and hoping that some of the other carers etc on this forum can identify with my/our situation.
My mother moved up nearer to us, (on our request) in 2001 as she has mobility problems and other medical issues, and thought that being closer would be helpful all round. Instead, my husband and I (married 6 years) have totally lost our identities and have been overcome by other people's responsibilities and virtually have no quality life of our own.
We work, care for, eat and sleep and that is it. Both of us are at the end of our tether. Let me tell you why.
Recently, my mother fell and broke her hip (well, that's not quite true.) Mother fell last year (she now says) and about a month ago the damage reared it's ugly head in excruiating pain radiating from her hip area to the point she could no longer weight bear. Subsequently she was taken to hospital where she had a half hip replacement and was in hospital for a month.
It is possible that a hairline crack to her hip in the fall last year caused this all.
Anyway, we were working towards a care package on her release from hospital for the first few weeks on being home, as not only does she have to get over the op but she has severe arthritis in her knees which debilitate her. She point blank refused all care except our care which we felt we could not offer as we work, and we care for her regarding shopping, appointments, cleaning the house etc anyway as a general rule which we have done over the past six years since she has been in the area.
She was released from hospital as the medical profession thought it would be better for her to be at home as her mental state could go into decline (I.E. depression) which would not encourage well-being. Now, every morning and evening my husband is going down to care for my mother to give her breakfast etc and again at tea-time (before and after his work).
I am not allowed near my mother at the moment as I contracted acute bronchitis and the doctor has warned me to keep away, so everything is falling on my husbands shoulders physically and I deal with other things mentally! He says that he feels empty, drained and lost all emotion, ( very similar to the way i am feeling too!)
My mother is mentally blackmailing me on the phone that I am NOT to tell the nurse or doctor that her walking is poor and that she can manage herself etc. I am being 'warned' not to tell of this, that or the other, and I am at the end of my tether. She won't accept meal on wheels or a home help, or even let the nurse see her walking!! She does NOT suffer from dementia.............but is adamant that my husband and I are going to care for her with our lives.
I would have no problem with her if she agreed to be reasonable and flexible, but she is refusing every bit of help other than ours.........and we are both so, so tired.....mentally more than anything else.
What can we do??/
I am becoming quite depressed and frustrated and angry. My husband and I are having silly arguments because we are so tired. We want to help but all we are getting is demand after demand.
Is there someone out there who knows what we are talking about?
Maybe we will be classed as selfish, or made to go on guilt trips etc, but the truth is we don't know how much longer we can cope, without (against my mother's wishes and insuing World War three!) putting a care package in place.
Any understanding comments and helpful advice welcome.
I am new to this forum, and i hope I am in the right place! I am needing much help and some advice and hoping that some of the other carers etc on this forum can identify with my/our situation.
My mother moved up nearer to us, (on our request) in 2001 as she has mobility problems and other medical issues, and thought that being closer would be helpful all round. Instead, my husband and I (married 6 years) have totally lost our identities and have been overcome by other people's responsibilities and virtually have no quality life of our own.
We work, care for, eat and sleep and that is it. Both of us are at the end of our tether. Let me tell you why.
Recently, my mother fell and broke her hip (well, that's not quite true.) Mother fell last year (she now says) and about a month ago the damage reared it's ugly head in excruiating pain radiating from her hip area to the point she could no longer weight bear. Subsequently she was taken to hospital where she had a half hip replacement and was in hospital for a month.
It is possible that a hairline crack to her hip in the fall last year caused this all.
Anyway, we were working towards a care package on her release from hospital for the first few weeks on being home, as not only does she have to get over the op but she has severe arthritis in her knees which debilitate her. She point blank refused all care except our care which we felt we could not offer as we work, and we care for her regarding shopping, appointments, cleaning the house etc anyway as a general rule which we have done over the past six years since she has been in the area.
She was released from hospital as the medical profession thought it would be better for her to be at home as her mental state could go into decline (I.E. depression) which would not encourage well-being. Now, every morning and evening my husband is going down to care for my mother to give her breakfast etc and again at tea-time (before and after his work).
I am not allowed near my mother at the moment as I contracted acute bronchitis and the doctor has warned me to keep away, so everything is falling on my husbands shoulders physically and I deal with other things mentally! He says that he feels empty, drained and lost all emotion, ( very similar to the way i am feeling too!)
My mother is mentally blackmailing me on the phone that I am NOT to tell the nurse or doctor that her walking is poor and that she can manage herself etc. I am being 'warned' not to tell of this, that or the other, and I am at the end of my tether. She won't accept meal on wheels or a home help, or even let the nurse see her walking!! She does NOT suffer from dementia.............but is adamant that my husband and I are going to care for her with our lives.
I would have no problem with her if she agreed to be reasonable and flexible, but she is refusing every bit of help other than ours.........and we are both so, so tired.....mentally more than anything else.
What can we do??/
I am becoming quite depressed and frustrated and angry. My husband and I are having silly arguments because we are so tired. We want to help but all we are getting is demand after demand.
Is there someone out there who knows what we are talking about?
Maybe we will be classed as selfish, or made to go on guilt trips etc, but the truth is we don't know how much longer we can cope, without (against my mother's wishes and insuing World War three!) putting a care package in place.
Any understanding comments and helpful advice welcome.