Carers UK Forum

Hi
I just needed somewhere to write and get all my feelings out. Im sorry if its a bit of an essay but i cant keep this bottled up anymore.
Ive been with my partner for 7 years. He has had mental health problems from the start. He has got worse and worse as ive been with him.
Im really struggling lately with the relationship. We have a 9 month old baby and i have an 8 year old son from previous relationship.
I know my partner is ill but i cant help feeling that he is not making the effort to try and help himself. He did not help at all while i was pregnant (with anything) which he says he feels guilty about everyday and im not allowed to bring it up. We have been living seperately for 7 months now as we were not getting along well living together. He never attempts to come and see us so i have to drag the whole family to see him. He leaves his house a complete mess so after travelling there i have to clean up and air all the smoke out of the room before the kids can play. He stresses at me constantly about every little thing. He doesnt pay much attention to our son except to make him jump or moan about him (which i have told him isnt acceptable but he gets angry with me) . He is extremely selfish. Because he is ill he thinks his feelings should be the main priority (basically as long as he doesnt feel too bad thats what matters, even if we suffer at the expense). He is constantly telling me i neglect him and dont pay him enough attention, he cant seem to understand that after looking after 2 children and doing my house work then travelling up to his and cleaning his house and still looking after the kids why i would be a little too tired to want to lavish him in attention. Everything i do is wrong and everything i say is wrong or offensive or hurtfull. I cant seem to do anything right. He thinks its acceptable to talk to other women online about sexual things (even an ex) and even talk about meeting up for you know what and if i am upset about it im stupid and he is upset with me that i think he would do it .
These are a few examples of my struggles with him and i just dont know how much more i can take. I feel like i dont love him as a partner anymore, more as a family member. We arent intimate anymore, i dont even feel like going and seeing him most of the time as all he does is argue and have a go at me. Im just scared as we have been together so long and hes always says i am his rock and he would kill himself if i left him, and also im scared that he will demand to have our son on his own and i honestly dont trust him enough as he cant even look after himself and he doesnt seem to pay much attention to what baby is doing and also he doesnt get out of bed when he wakes up he just grunts and moans and goes back to sleep or shouts.
I just dont know what to do anymore and the situation is making me more and more down. I just want to cry all day and i have no one to talk to
Im sorry for such a long message and thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read it x

Dear Kayleigh, You have done your very best to maintain this relationship. I don't know either of you at all, but as a complete outsider reading your post I think you should stay away from him, for your own sake, and that of the children, until he is well and stable again, which is unlikely to happen. His behaviour would appear to show that as far as he is concerned, he is the only one that matters. As a parent, your first priority must be to look after you children, emotionally as well as physically. They deserve a happy mum, not one constantly treading on eggshells because of his moods. Obviously with a new baby and another child you need support, not an extra house to clean! All relationships have their ups and downs, but they require a balance of give and take to survive and flourish. Is this every going to happen with him?

Hi, thanks for the reply.
I have been wondering lately if things will ever get better, if he will ever try to. If he will ever put me or the children first or help out now and again.
I feel like if i stay it is safer for the kids as im am stopping the possibility of him having baby alone overnight and i would be scared of the reaction and what he would do to himself if i told him he couldnt. He gets angry now as he says that he is perfectly capable of looking after a child and im an awful person if i think he would ever neglect our son but i cannot help not trusting him. x

Hmm, oh dear Kayleigh, you sure have a major decision to make. I have read all of your previous posts during your pregnancy and I can honestly say from an outsider looking in that the best thing for you and your children would be to be on your own with them. It sounds like your husband is using emotional blackmail to keep you at his beck and call.
It's interesting that he didn't move away all those months ago to be near his family after him saying that he would move 120 miles away with or without you? Being unsupported is very difficult, it sounds to me that you have done everything that you could have to hold your marriage together but he is not making any attempt? This does not sound like a person who has his wife or childrens best interests at heart. Do you still want to be living like this next year, the year after etc? If the answer is no then it's time to throw your hands in the air and say enough is enough. Walk away now, you deserve better than this.

Hi. Thanks for replying . Like i say the main problem is the access to my son. Im afraid he will demand to have him overnight and that worries me. Also i feel so guilty. He has no family now nearby and im basically all hes got. I dont know how he would survive without me as i do everything for him. How can i just leave him to fend for himself knowing full well he cant

Have you seen the latest copy of the Woman's Weekly, dealing with abusive relationships? It might be worth asking Social Services or a solicitor for advice if you are worried about your OH demanding to look after your son overnight, when you don't think it's safe. If his illness means he's vulnerable, then SSD can do a needs assessment and arrange what he needs, or he can move to be nearer his parents. Be clear in your mind whether you are going to put your children at risk in order to help your husband; or put your husband at risk by putting your children first.

Im sorry but im not putting my children at risk im trying to do whats best for them. I find it upsetting that you think that. I do and will always put them first

Sorry, I wasn't trying to upset you. Just sent a PM to clarify.

Dump him gently but firmly. Don't make a big fuss about it, just keep forgetting to call and make some banal but plausible excuses. There are lots of ways to leave your lover, and the best ones are almost invisible. He's a user, lazy, manipulative, and faithless. How much more do you want?

He did not help at all while i was pregnant He doesnt pay much attention to our son. im scared that he will demand to have our son on his own and i honestly dont trust him I just want to cry all day and i have no one to talk to

I'm terribly sorry that you are upset, I'm 100% sure it's not anyones intention to cause you further pain, only to offer you words of comfort, support and advice.
At the risk of offending you further are you sure that he will want the baby overnight? You say he shows little interest? Do you think he would cope with your little one for a few hours during the day? Perhaps you could leave the baby with him for a couple of hours? Would him having both your sons be a solution? that way your 9 year old would be on hand to see that your baby is ok? I know it's a lot of responsibility for a 9 year old but you know him best and if it's only 2 hours it might show your husband how much work is involved.
Has your husband actually said he wants the baby overnight? or are you worrying yourself needlessly over something that might not happen?