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Does anyone find other relatives bury there head in sand? - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Does anyone find other relatives bury there head in sand?

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Today has been another horrible day ...
At the chiropodist at 2..started getting my nana ready at half 12...
She's screaming at me saying I should of been here this morning at 7 to get her ready ..
She was calling me a dirty scumbag ..and I'm a no good person ..in the mean time my Aunty rings ..I answer and I'm loosing my cool at this point ..tell her I'm fed up (100th time ) she goes well she's old Sarah,you need to not loose your temper ..at this point I go off it and scream well your not here are you,you don't have to get screamed at and called a scum bag whilst having palpitations and being scared to go out ..
Then my gran comes on the phone ..lovely hi Joan I'm fine it's that scum bag ,she can't do nothing right...
Asking my Aunty about the weather in Aus ..gets off the phone and starts saying to me ..
Put them shoes away
Hang my coat up
You can't do nothing you
The temptation to walk out was so so strong ..
I'm convinced my Aunty thinks in making it up ..I can hear her huffing and puffing on the phone.
Rant over
Oh and then she says to her husband in the background
She doesn't realise mum is 95 !!
I think I do!!
Sarah, such abusive language is unacceptable, it's domestic abuse.
Make it clear that whenever she does it from now on, you will put your coat on and go home, and do so. If she misses her chiropody appointment as a result, that is HER fault, not yours. Maybe use your phone to record her ranting and raving? Then play it back to her?
Sarah, next time DO walk out. And do NOT come back.

I honestly, truly, genuinely CANNOT understand why you are still there? Truly I can't. If your grandmother were grateful, appreciative, affectionate, then yes, I can understand why you continue to look after her.

But please re-read what you just wrote. If you were someone else, what would you say to them? You would say what I am saying now. Leave. Walk out. Pack a suitcase and go. Just GO.

You put up with what you should not put up with.

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR GRANDMOTHER. Wherever you go, it cannot be as bad as being stuck with this vicious old woman. I don't care tuppance how she might have looked after you, I don't care sixpence that she might have dementia. This is ABUSE. DO NOT TAKE IT.

Please, what else can we say, Sarah? What will finally make you walk out?

You think maybe you can't walk out, but you can. Just lose your temper, and GO. You'l ldo it on a rush of adrenaline, and you'll lbe out of there.

Where will you go? Can you go to friends, your dad's? How much money do you have?

Go, and when you are somewhere else, phone your Gran's GP and tell them you have walked out. Text your aunt and tell her that too. The whole damn lot of them can go down a hole in the ground from now on - but YOU will be out of it.


Don't you think your mum would be telling you - begging you - to walk out? If you were my daughter I'd be shouting at your from my grave to say 'My darling daughter, LEAVE!!!!!'

Please Sarah - please walk out.
Pennie - I think Sarah's aunt knows totally well what the situation is! I think she knows SO well it's EXACTLY why she's staying in Australia!

Sarah, you think your aunt is burying her head in the sand? No way is she doing that!

SHe is DELIBERATELY staying away because otherwise SHE will have to come and look her mother.

She is sacrificing you to your horrible, abusive gran quite, quite knowingly!

She isn't ignorant at all,and she's not in denial. She knows full well how horrible it would be to be stuck where you are.

THAT is why she refuses to come and take over from you.

It's not ignorance. It's cruel, vicious selfishness.

Your aunt and your gran deserve each other. You deserve neither of them! You've done ENOUGH.

So, please, walk out, get your own life back. Please.
Well luckily I have my own flat (well not my own but rented property) which is my little bit of paradise ..my escape you can say.
The reason I don't just walk is because I know regardless of what she says,the nasty person she can be she needs me...when she's in hospital im the person she crys for not my uncle or aunt.
If I walked out and she had a fall or something I couldn't live with myself ..but deadline day I will because I've gave a months notice.
Maybe I'm a fool to myself ..I've got to admit since finding this forum it's helped me massively ..just writing things down has helped.
Can I ask you a question and don't feel obliged to answer ..if you were in my auntys position would you have felt guilty by now? Come over and helped?
I always thought I was a forgiving person but since last year when my aunt came to England and pretended she was in Australia (she came over as her mil was going in a nursing home and they wanted her premium bonds and cash) I've found it hard to talk to her.
I'm so glad you have your own place to retreat to. You are being used, in all the years I've been on the forum I can't remember a worst case, it really is that bad, but you have been indoctrinated to feel obliged to your Nan.

If your aunt had any respect for you, she would never ever have left you to deal with the situation, but while you are doing it for free, it means her inheritance remains intact. She is only thinking of herself, and clearly doesn't care about you AT ALL.

Elderkly people end up like toddlers, and Nan's behaviour is similar, screaming ranting and raving if she doesn't get her own way. She is calling for you simply because she knows she's alienated everyone else, but you are still going to help. She is using you terribly as well.

Why do you have so little respect for yourself that you allow yourself to be used this way?
You must stick to your plan Sarah. It really is awful. If you are clearly handing over responsibility to someone else then it is not not not your fault is something goes wrong. You have done your 'bit' -over and above. It's someone else's turn now.
It's sad really because after my mum died the only woman/mother figure was my Aunty.
When my mum was alive she would do my grans shopping and cook her lunch etc and suprise suprise my gran always thought more of my Aunty in Aus...even tho my mum did the lot.
I was 13 and my mum said to me about my Aunty ..she's a sneaky one..they were close but my mum knew her true colours.
Yet my mum gets cancer and dies...if there's a God I would love to know the way he works.
I feel like a child sometimes being taken for a fool not a 31 yr old woman.
I've got no confidence anymore..my anxiety has taken over for years now.