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Does anyone else want to just walk away and say I'm done? - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Does anyone else want to just walk away and say I'm done?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I'm waiting for a up to date assesment,she needs more than me now..it could be 3/4 weeks for this I was told.
My aunt has said she's going to try and come in a months time and sort out a plan.
If my gran does need residential care have I failed her?
Since my mum died at 14 she's been like a mum to me and now am I giving up on her?
I feel that I should be mentally stronger.
If I could do more maybe it wouldn't come to this but on the other hand I'm not sure many people could do the same without struggling also.
This forum is a god send to me.
I don't have any carers at the moment at all.
Sarah, go back to Social Services and tell them the assessment is URGENT. You cannot cope any more. Of course you haven't failed Nan at all, on the contrary, you have given her some of the best years of your life. Always feel proud for what you have done. Nan is suffering from the problems of extreme old age.
Don't rely on anyone else in the family, they've continually let you down and let you do the "dirty work".
Il get back in touch and say that I'm not coping.
My uncle stayed with her 2 nights after her fall (after begging and offering him £40) this morning I arrived and he hadn't even made her a cup of tea and she was thirsty.
He said to me don't ring me again because I won't be back and I'm not helping again.
This is after 2 nights ..I've had 10 years.
I immediately cried then stopped and thought your not worth my tears mate...
My uncle is my grans son btw
That just confirms what I keep saying, if you rely on family helping, you'll be disappointed. Take control Sarah, it's the only way this is ever going to get sorted.
Bowling -I am going too Thankyou.
You've been very supportive to me on every thread I've posted.
It's very much appreciated.
Sarah, sadly it's the voice of personal experience, I realise now that I have spent almost all my life trying to please others, it's hard to think of things people did to please me.

They didn't really need ME to do their jobs, anyone could have done at least 90% of what I did, only I did it for FREE!

Imagine, I just got £20 each birthday and Christmas, even when we were barely surviving on Income Support. Then I found out that another relative, who never ever lifted a finger, had been given £20,000 in the same period!
When I told him how much I got, I was told I "couldn't have asked properly". (I never asked for anything).

If you don't stick up for yourself, no one else will, I'm afraid.
Do not feel in any way that residential care is letting her down or that you have failed. If anything the rest of the family had failed YOU by not helping and supporting you in the care she needs. Does she own her home? If so, I suspect it needs to be sold to fund her care ... this might make the family suddenly take a little more interest in keeping her at home if they feel they are going to lose any inheritance!

Residential homes are not prisons, you can still see her everyday if you want to ... although you need to find some time for yourself too. She will also have 24/7 company and even make new friends. Most Councils offer a 12 week disregard, when no payments are due and she can try to see how she settled in. Tell her its a trial period if it would help her accept the idea. My MIL insisted on going home, even though we had doubts about how she would cope, but she is very lonely. Going into a home is a whole new social experience and they can benefit no end from the stimulus of having things going on around them instead of being stuck inside 4 walls waiting for their next meal or someone to talk to. If it does come down to care home, it may be they best thing for both of you xxx
Hi Sarah
Two 'ailments' that only get worse are ageing and dementia. They never get better and dont stay the same, they only deteriorate. Nan has both. It is very likely that her NEEDS are now so high that she needs looking after by a team of people. In an ideal world and with an ideal family, that team would consist of unselfish relatives who give up lots of their time to look after her on a fair rota. You do not have that ideal family so Nans care will need to be supplemented by paid Carers and /or residential care.
Neither your Aunt nor your Uncle will ever ever do anything that is right for Nan, they are only interested in themselves.

I've just has a 're read of all your posts on here and I suggest you do the same.
For nearly a year now you have been waiting for Aunt to do something, well she hasn't yet and won't. If, and its a very big if, she ever does anything it will only because it is easier or cheaper for her, not because it is the best for your Nan.

You are going to have to take control, call Social services, say Nan has deteriorated so much you can't cope and she is unsafe. This is NOT a comment or criticism on you or your care, it is what happens with dementia ( my neighbour had a lovely husband for 60 years and cared for him until his dementia meant he kept violently attacking her thinking she was an enemy soldier. He went into residential home for everyones safety, not because she was a bad wife or carer). No one individual can manage such a care load alone, and you sadly, are alone in this situation which is why it must be you to take charge of arranging more care for Nan and to keep yourself healthy both mentally and physically.

I know it's a big step for you, but you must take it. You are a brilliant carer, but the time has come to share the load