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Desperate now - this is going to kill me - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Desperate now - this is going to kill me

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I am afraid that I have no advice for you, although I did want to send you hugs and love: I know what it is like to be at your wits end when caring for someone you love. Hoping things are moved quickly to resolve this xx
Maz1963 wrote:Thanks Tracey for the CA link. I am too honest for my own good sometimes (!) so will notify them she's in hospital.
Hi Maz
I know what you mean, I told them right off too.
Glad you are finding yourself again.
Take care
Tracy
Seven weeks now for mum in her Acute Confusional State/Delirium. She is still in hospital (3rd stay) and still on the old people's/Dementia ward. I had a long chat with the Consultant Psychiatrist yesterday and he still maintains that she does not have dementia. Dementia Specialist also has this view. The regular meds have calmed her, which is reassuring. She has had three good, lucid afternoons with me recently, but they alternate with 'bad days'.

The psychiatrist said they are continuing to look into causes but at the moment they are still non the wiser. He said controlling her behaviour with meds is key right now (he saw how bad she was on admission). I told him and the ward staff clearly yesterday that I cannot have her back home as she is, even with carers, as it's not sustainable, as I have proved twice. They accept this.

There are three care homes near me and I am planning to go and see them this/next week. If mum does not improve then a care home is the only option now. If at any time in the future her delirium does lift, then I reckon that could just as well occur in a care home as well as anywhere else.

I don't have a welfare PoA for mum, only a financial one. If mum says 'no' to a home, where do we stand? Can medical staff/GP 'approve' this and override?

I will have to lie to mum and tell her that she is going there to recuperate. That will be hard.

But, I am only 52 and I need to think about living the rest of my time too .....
It does sound like a care home is really the only practical option now. It's a sad situation ,but one that has to be accepted. All of us here whose elder carees are now in homes, like my MIL is, found it hard to 'cross that road' when the time came, but once it's done, it does become more 'acceptable'.

I think if your mum refuses it is important for you to remember that actually YOU personally, do not have to do anything at all! She is not your legal responsibility. That may seem harsh, and even 'cruel' but at your age you cannot lapse into years and years and years of dedicating your life to caring.

As for 'lying', I do appreciate this. I never ever say to my MIL that she now 'lives' in her care home. I say it's 'where she's staying' (I used to add 'for now' but her dementia has gone beyond time awareness).

And after all, in a way, it's quite true to say to to your mum that she's going into a home to 'recuperate' as in 'IF she recuperates then she MIGHT not need to be in a care home'.....I find I used phrases like 'for the time being' and 'for the moment', and things like that, to imply a sense of temporariness that may be comforting to them? It's a question of being 'ambiguous' in how we say things, I feel.

Wishing you all the best, and I do say from my experience of MIL's care home, that the staff are really very good and adept at 'guiding' people with dementia (even if strictly speaking your mum may not have that) and making their limited awareness not distressing to them.
I went to see three local homes yesterday. They were all quite different which was interesting. The first seemed the best. A character listed building with varied rooms and loads of staff visible. One member of staff immediately dropped what she was doing and spent a long time with me, listening, explaining and showing me around. It felt nice and has an on site hair salon. Second place was the cheapest and the saddest, but might be worth a second visit at lunchtime. Third place was a 'Forestcare' home, very large and purpose built. Loads of things going on and very clean, but maybe a bit too huge and impersonal. This one is £1,200 a week!

I'll be visiting a few more over the next few days, good to get more comparisons I feel.

I went into hospital a bit later than usual yesterday and mum was back to some of her earlier delusions and hallucinations. But her awareness of time and place is dwindling. Hopefully this will make the transition to a home easier.

Now I just have to understand what needs to be done at the hospital to facilitate her transfer asap. I think (and hope) she will be happier in a home than in hospital. Her legs have swollen terribly, the staff say it's because her feet are down, so am encouraging her to use a footstool.
My mum went into a care home almost exactly two years ago. Husband and I visited quite a few in the area and narrowed it down to a choice of two.

The first was a purpose-built modern building with excellent facilities, where mum would have had a small "suite" of living room, bedroom, kitchenette and ensuite bathroom (almost exactly what she had for her six weeks of re-enablement at a different home). The staff were efficient and obviously caring, but there was something lacking - I can only call it "warmth"!

The second home was an adapted country house, a bit frayed around the edges and mum was offered an ensuite bedroom. The staff were very caring, interested and welcoming.

As mum's problems are purely physical, she was able to make an informed decision as to where she wanted to go. SHE CHOSE THE SECOND OPTION - THE COUNTRY HOUSE! (And the staff have been wonderful ever since!)

So, from personal experience, I would say go with your gut instant - and that caring surroundings are more important that material ones. Good luck!

Pennie
I've got about 16 more homes on my list to visit! We are lucky that this area is heavily populated, so a large choice. This morning I called the very first home I visited last week, the one I liked best. Again, someone spent time talking to me and suggested I call on Monday to arrange a meeting with the manager, which I will be doing. If my 'good feeling' about this place continues, then I will put mum on the waiting list. They don't lock their front door which was a concern for me, but I have been told it is secured at night and they have security cameras and would keep an eye on anyone prone to wandering. They also assured me that if anyone makes it past the front door, the grounds are secure, so no one can get beyond the boundaries (might just check that when next there!).

This week I am planning to speak to all the 'professionals' that have been dealing with mum so far as I want their inputs and views into mum's longer term care. At the very least I may get some useful inputs and advice from them.

I want to thank all you lovely people again for your interest and support. This website and forum have been a Godsend to me at this time. I have always found it very helpful to read other people's experiences, so hope my 'journey' may help others too.