Hi! I haven been in here for a while which should be good news but I am concerned about my Mum. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia 18 months ago and has lost the use of her legs so is either in an armchair or wheelchair which she hates. To me she seems depressed although she seems to put in a good show of not being depressed to the staff. She refuses 9/10 times to let us take her out even into the home's garden. She won't join the other residents at a table to eat so has it on her own on a side table and she gets very distressed about not being able to walk any more ( very understandable) and begs and cries for me to take her home. Her whole topic of conversation is about how awful my Dad has been to her for her whole life. She talks quite bitterly about him. I'm wondering if she's clinically depressed or is it just the way the dementia is affecting her? I'm finding the visits very upsetting as sometimes she's so cross with me for leaving her or because she seems so scared and upset. I don't know how to help her. I've tried reassuring her and explaining the situation but that just makes things worse. If I try a quiet non commital approach she gets angry with me and accuses me with siding with 'them' - my Dad and the staff. I would appreciate any advice and support on this situation please.
Oh dear, it doesn't get easier, does it, even when they are in a home!
It might be, you know, that your mum needs to 'vent' about your dad - that things that have burned away inside her for years and years now just need to come out, and maybe your role now is just to sit there and be the recipient of it. Maybe this is her 'revenge' in a way for everything she feels your dad put her through, and now, near the end of her life, she really needs to purge this from her.
As for wanting to come home with you, again, this is very understandable - and impossible. It's all just part of the wretched, wretched 'hopelessness' of dementia, which means that they can never come home again, because the only place that can look after them are the professional staff of a care home.
I face something a little similar with my MIL - she doesn't want to be in the home, she wants to 'come back' to me, and if she did, my life would end and I'd go insane and probably end up crashing the car with both of us in it. It's desperately sad, but there it is. It's because they've lived 'too long'.....
I honestly don't know if it's possible to be clinically depressed with dementia, because it sort of implies that there is a state of dementia that is NOT 'down'. But maybe I'm being too pessimistic. Is your mum on any kind of mood-altering medication? My MIL was put on diazepam when she became very restless, consnatly trying to get out of (and get home!), and the diazepam was aimed to make her 'calmer'. Yes, it's a form of 'chemical cosh' but in the end, isn't it better that they are 'tranquil but not distressed' rather than be agitated and unhappy?
We can't cure dementia, we can't do anything to stop it, or probably anything to slow it down. All we can do is make the 'descent' as easy as possible.....
As for ourselves, because there is nothing else we can do about their dementia, we just have to 'walk away'. It's hard - very hard. But there is no alternative.....
Wishing you as best as can be, in an non-optimistic situation....