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Death of person I cared for - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Death of person I cared for

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi Cherish,
I feel exactly the same as you, only I am a bit further on, my mum passed away in June
it's not any easier. I feel for you, as you say your life is empty this will take you time to
adjust. I have had a bad day today, feel like I am only existing , not living. but I know
deep down like Susie says grief has all different stages. its a real roller coaster of ups and
downs. I cared for mum 24/7 to so life seems very empty now.
I came very close to ending my life, but with the help of this forum , and another member ,
"you know who you are", I am still here today. You did right ringing the GP, I am getting
help now with tablets.
As Susie says a day at a time, that is what I am trying to do , not look to far ahead.
Small steps. sending you and Susie BIG HUGS
Take care Cherish
Minnie x
Hi Cherish,

Sorry to hear about your mother's passing. My mum died nearly 9 years ago and not a week goes by that I wish I could talk to her. It's still hard to accept that she's not there for me, always will be.

Three years ago my husband (my caree) was expected to die. All the medical professionals told me he was near death and I believed it too. This went on for months as his condition deteriorated. At that time I had everything planned out in my head. What I would do after he died from the funeral through where I would live. I went to counselling at our local hospice. I even gave myself little talks about how I would likely react emotionally. Now, this may sound idiotic and insensitive ... but I even tried out wearing contact lenses again instead of my varifocals in case I wanted to date again! (Men don't make passes at women who wear glasses????) In short, I was trying to make some sense out of completely muddled feelings, exhaustion, and stress.

Well, my husband didn't die and now here I am three years later. Now I realize that I have no idea what I would do if my husband died. All the so-called planning and preparation I did would not have been much use in reality. None of us know how we are going to react to a loved one's death, even when its expected or when the rest of the world may judge it as a "release" for the deceased and carer. I think the most important thing is to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling at the time. There is no "wrong" when it comes to grieving. Get all the support you need from wherever you can find it. (You might want to try Cruse bereavement counselling, it may be helpful to have someone objective and removed from your personal life to talk to http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk) Most of all, treat yourself with kindness. You were a wonderful, loving daughter to your mum and no parent could have asked for more.
Dear Cherish and friends,

bereavement, as individual as it is, comes in all shapes and sizes and however we believe we are strong and ready for it, I have yet to come across any CARER, who during the time of caring has not died a little each day. Relief upon death for the sufferer no longer in misery, indeed, but oh grief...
Have a look at the work of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross: "On Death and Dying" and "On Grief and Grieving". She is the pioneer in bereavement counselling.

Thinking of you and wishing you to get stronger and more at calm each day.

I just feel I will never be happy again, and will never be close to anyone again. I feel quite calm - I just don't want to go on. Previously the suicidal feeling came over me suddenly, without warning. But now for the past 24 hours I have the same feeling all the time.

I phoned a solicitor today to make an appointment so that I can make a will. I'm sorting things out so that if I feel the same as the days go on, then everything is prepared.

Tomorrow I am going to see a doctor, but I know there is little that can be done because I have already been told by the crisis psychiatric team who assessed me last weekend that anti-depressants won't be prescribed because it's important to experience grief - not suppress it.
I am so sorry that you are feeling so desperate, do you have someone you trust who you can talk to, your GP, a parish priest perhaps, priests are usually very good at understanding how people feel when they have lost someone very important to them because this is something which they often deal with? The Samaritans are also very good but sometimes it helps to speak to someone face to face.

I think that it is important to differentiate between grief which is a raw, painful anguish and depression which is a sense of utter hopelessness, sometimes professionals mistake one for the other, if it is depression you would probably benefit from anti-depressants, if it is grief someone to talk is often helpful for many people.

But please do not consider taking your life, although the future may look like a vast, empty void at the moment as time goes by you will build another life, it takes time and it can be a long road but you will eventually learn to live with your loss and find peace.
I couldn't sleep properly for two months after my husband died suddenly from a heart attack. I did'nt want to take any pills, but in the end went to the GP and said that even if I didn't want to take medication to help me sleep, my body certainly wanted it to get some rest. I took them for a few years, but gradually weaned myself off them. To start with I was like a Zombie when I took a whole pill, looking back that was simply because I was just so very tired. After a few days I reduced the dose to half a tablet. I was still experiencing grief whilst I was on the medication, they weren't so much "happy" pills as "coping" pills. The life change I was going through was simply immense. I worked for my husband and was left to sort out everything, in fact I'm still selling off his stock almost six years later. Every one is different, but for me, those pills were a life line to me.
Cherish - you don't have to walk this path alone, we will walk it with you if you let us.

When you see the Doctor tomorrow please ask him/her to refer you for bereavement counselling; it really can help and when these feelings of not carrying on overwhelm you please call the Samaritans and talk to someone. Your GP is the one to decide if anti-depressants will help you through this period in your life; some people need medicinal help to get over the initial shock of losing a loved one - others don't; neither is wrong or right, we all experience grief in different ways.

You will be happy again and you will be close to someone again - but it won't happen overnight; it may be months down the line when you suddenly realise that this burden you carry has lightened and your sorrow has diminished, but don't feel guilty when it happens - 'cos it will happen. The day will come when you remember your Mum with love and happiness; she wouldn't want you to give up on life - you have lots to still give and there is a whole world out there waiting to embrace you.

For now - it's one day at a time.
Cherish, you write that you feel you will never be happy again. Please realise that this is a normal feeling when you are so very raw and heartbroken.I still have days,(it will be 3 years in July),when I do not want to go on,life seems to stretch out forever.Then I have a day like today, where pure joy was in my life for a couple of hours,and my heart given a little rest from the hard work of living with heartbreak.
Two months or so after my son died, I was walking on the beach feeling very sad,and a tiny little boy left his mother's side,walked over to me, looked up and beamed.I know that my smile back to him was the first real one,that Mum and little boy will never know that that was the day I knew that there would be things to make me smile again,although never with the same joy in life and never with complete peace in my heart.
I am thinking of you Cherish.xx I hope you have a close friend who knows your family and who will listen to you,just listen without telling you what they think you should do or feel.The times I wanted to take my own life, one of my friends listened to me, she never told me that I should not do this, she just listened,and it was probably the best thing she could have done.
Cherish, we share our experiences, so we are not on our own and we listen and above all, we care.
There is no right or wrong way to feel, just the way we do, when we are grieving, but it does get easier.
If you let us, we will listen, we will care and we'll be here for you.
Hi Cherish

I lost my dad in January this year. I had been his carer for 18 years. People who have never been carers dont understand that having been with a person almost 24/7 for all those year I have lost my dad, my almost sole companion, my job and my reason to get up in the morning.
I am too old to hope for a job doing what I would want to do. No-one would take me on after over 30 years away (I left when expecting first child) I dont want to do the part time job I did till my dad got too ill and I got too tired to work as well as care. I certainly dont want to do any of the jobs that the job centre suggest like shelf stacking and working in a care home.
People see me now with my 2 houses and 2 cars and my financial situation will be much improved (to say the least) and think I am free and well provided for but if I could have both my parents back in reasonably good health I would swop the lot to have them back. It would be too cruel to have them back as they were at the end of their lives.
I have tried calling Cruse Bereavement but they say it is too soon since my dad's death but what they would not accept is that 10 years ago when my mum died I had no time to grieve I had a child about to start secondary school and my dad to look after. I have had all sorts of traumas with my kids over the years. My ex husband who I was still friendly with died last April. When my dad died I had to deal with all my mum's clothes as well as my dad's. I also lost 3 long term friends in 2011. I am heartbroken. My kids think I am out of order to decorate my dad's house and that I am spending his money. His money is all tied up with banks and lawyers - I am using my money! With all the stuff in my dad's house, he was bit of a hoarder I cant find things instantly and my kids shout at me that I have lost things. My dad lived in the same street for 55 years and one neighbour has decided to ignore me because I forgot to tell her about the funeral and another neighbour arrived on the day my dad died to ask if he was upstairs and what was I doing with the house.
It has been hard to cope with the loss of my dad and all the other things. I dont need all this rubbish from others so I will sit this out and cry myself into a tizzy everyday. I am sure that one day I will come through this. I also feel I have to as my parents have surely brought me up to be an all round decent human being and therefore for them I have to come through this and I will.
Cherish, this is a really bad time for you and everything will feel so bad but having been a carer you have proved yourself to be a strong person. Hang in there, cry all you want, speak or dont speak to people just as YOU want. You will come through at some point in the future but no-one knows when that will be.
With all best wishes at this bad time
Little Lamb