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Dealing with nurses when husband/patient is non compliant. - Carers UK Forum

Dealing with nurses when husband/patient is non compliant.

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I hope it is ok to have a little rant? We have been having nurses out once even twice a week to deal with husband's pressure sores/moisture lesions for around 18 months. Generally they are fine but I can feel their frustration re his inability to take advice.

Every couple of months I get someone senior. Yesterday's lady has upset me. Yes I totally realise husband should sleep in a bed BUT he tends to sleep a lot in the day and stay awake at night attached to the TV via headphones as he is deaf. My upstairs bathroom is a saniflow and no way can I risk him flushing his dressings down the loo, as it is no exageration to see he could bring the ceiling down. I have just paid £1000 to have it replaced.

Yes I was prepared to investigate the hospital bed downstairs but it would mean getting rid of the big old sofa which is very stained due to his 'accident's and he just won't let me do this, and buy as smaller second hand one. The bed would need to be attached to a socket and he says this would stop him watching TV easily. So not able to implement this. The front room is literally full of his junk - old TV's/Viedo's/printers et al and even an£80 huge printer he got off ebay in the Summer and is stuck in the middle of the floor, as he cannot get it to work. He has no longer got a TV in there as he broke the ariel. He built bookshelves over the radiator so even if I have the central heating on ,it is not warm enough for him. I cannot afford the central heating on much as he has the gas fire on so high. Even the nurses comment on this.

The bottom line is I do not want him in my bedroom as it is my only escape from him and I got to bed at 7.30 just to get away from him. He has toileting issues as he wont' take the lactulose/picosuflate as instructed so we get explosions. He also won't do his teeth and his gums are black but he won't see the hygeniest - we saw the dentist yesterday.

I was made to feel guilty for his 'non compliance' yesterday but he has mental capacity. I wont put the cream on his sores on his bottom but do guide and do put the dressings on. I constantly prompt re the lotion for his psoriasis but resent having to get down on my knees, when he is so awkward and I have back problems.

I am struggling also to deal with the conflicting advice the nurses give. One senior nurse said an ordinary bed would not work as he needs a special mattress and a hospital bed yet the one yesterday felt I should get a TV for him upstairs but how would I sleep with the TV on? I would happily try to get him a hospital bed downstairs but is there any point in clearing things out to make space if he wont use it and unless he lets me get rid of the sofa is there any point? We did look at just getting a special mattress for the sofa but then he is at risk of falling off.

He is 80 and I have been his carer now for 7 years. Sorry for the rant. In many ways, I am lucky and I have disengaged due to his non compliance to an extent. I do my best to keep his medicaiton up to date, prompt re the creams and tablets, and run his bath and try to stop him wearing dirty gowns - I put a clean one in his bathroom but he locks me out when he has a bath. Once he has the dirty one back on, I cannot make him physically take it off< I know he is frail but I only weigh 7st and he has lashed out in the past.

I am not going to complain about the Nurses attitude because she is only trying to do the best FOR HIM. But she just has no idea of the reality of living 24/7 with a difficult, non compliant old man! Wish she could spend a week with him and see how SHE coped.














t
helena_1512 wrote:
Wed Oct 30, 2019 3:22 pm
I hope it is ok to have a little rant? We have been having nurses out once even twice a week to deal with husband's pressure sores/moisture lesions for around 18 months. Generally they are fine but I can feel their frustration re his inability to take advice.

Every couple of months I get someone senior. Yesterday's lady has upset me. Yes I totally realise husband should sleep in a bed BUT he tends to sleep a lot in the day and stay awake at night attached to the TV via headphones as he is deaf. My upstairs bathroom is a saniflow and no way can I risk him flushing his dressings down the loo, as it is no exageration to see he could bring the ceiling down. I have just paid £1000 to have it replaced.

Yes I was prepared to investigate the hospital bed downstairs but it would mean getting rid of the big old sofa which is very stained due to his 'accident's and he just won't let me do this, and buy as smaller second hand one. The bed would need to be attached to a socket and he says this would stop him watching TV easily. So not able to implement this. The front room is literally full of his junk - old TV's/Viedo's/printers et al and even an£80 huge printer he got off ebay in the Summer and is stuck in the middle of the floor, as he cannot get it to work. He has no longer got a TV in there as he broke the ariel. He built bookshelves over the radiator so even if I have the central heating on ,it is not warm enough for him. I cannot afford the central heating on much as he has the gas fire on so high. Even the nurses comment on this.

The bottom line is I do not want him in my bedroom as it is my only escape from him and I got to bed at 7.30 just to get away from him. He has toileting issues as he wont' take the lactulose/picosuflate as instructed so we get explosions. He also won't do his teeth and his gums are black but he won't see the hygeniest - we saw the dentist yesterday.

I was made to feel guilty for his 'non compliance' yesterday but he has mental capacity. I wont put the cream on his sores on his bottom but do guide and do put the dressings on. I constantly prompt re the lotion for his psoriasis but resent having to get down on my knees, when he is so awkward and I have back problems.

I am struggling also to deal with the conflicting advice the nurses give. One senior nurse said an ordinary bed would not work as he needs a special mattress and a hospital bed yet the one yesterday felt I should get a TV for him upstairs but how would I sleep with the TV on? I would happily try to get him a hospital bed downstairs but is there any point in clearing things out to make space if he wont use it and unless he lets me get rid of the sofa is there any point? We did look at just getting a special mattress for the sofa but then he is at risk of falling off.

He is 80 and I have been his carer now for 7 years. Sorry for the rant. In many ways, I am lucky and I have disengaged due to his non compliance to an extent. I do my best to keep his medicaiton up to date, prompt re the creams and tablets, and run his bath and try to stop him wearing dirty gowns - I put a clean one in his bathroom but he locks me out when he has a bath. Once he has the dirty one back on, I cannot make him physically take it off< I know he is frail but I only weigh 7st and he has lashed out in the past.

I am not going to complain about the Nurses attitude because she is only trying to do the best FOR HIM. But she just has no idea of the reality of living 24/7 with a difficult, non compliant old man! Wish she could spend a week with him and see how SHE coped.





When did you last have me time? Must feed the cat and eat my dinner now but I will return later tonight.








t
I have lovely friends - very bad as I collected my cats ashes from the vets today- had to take 2 for check up and jabs.

I guess this is why I feel so fragile and judges. I do my best....
helena_1512 wrote:
Wed Oct 30, 2019 5:25 pm
I have lovely friends - very bad as I collected my cats ashes from the vets today- had to take 2 for check up and jabs.

I guess this is why I feel so fragile and judges. I do my best....
Can you afford a care home?
No and he has mental capacity.
Helena, when you describe your husband, I often question his capacity!

Why not write a letter to the District Nurses office, and ask that anyone new coming to see you reads it first? There you could explain, as you have done to us, just how difficult it is for you, why things are as they are?

End the letter "please realise just how hard it is for me too!"
helena_1512 wrote:
Wed Oct 30, 2019 6:00 pm
No and he has mental capacity.
What about counselling? Will that help or not? Also ask his district nurse for help as well.
Thanks for your replies - calmer now. I always find it hard when he insists on coming to the vets with me, as he is quite unsteady on his feet, and my cats in carriers are very heavy - male neuters can weigh 7kg so I am always terrified he will fall and drop one and he/she will escape. I would never forgive him if this happened. I can cope alone as the vet staff and taxi drivers help me. I try to use my friend and pay her taxi fare but her van has been written off so waiting for her to get it back on the road.

Sadly, I do not think I could get out on a regular basis for counselling right now and it is quite expensive - I have looked into it plus I would have to get a taxi.

I have got onto my local Carers Branch to ask for another telephone befriender. Shirley was great but is ill so I was waiting for her to come back but it has been over two months, so have asked for an update. Husband does lie on the sofa near the landline so even then it is hard to be honest.That said, at least I could get support re the pressure sores/bed situation.

I will try to get the name of the head of the District Nurses and the full address BB. I will also write again to his GP. The dietician has been great - she totally understands how hard it is when someone won't eat but the nurse on Tuesday did make me feel a very poor carer. In fairness, a couple of the nurses have hugged me and said I am doing a good job so probably just being a bit over sensitive. I still do not know how I am supposed to MAKE him put on a clean gown or cream his legs. I only weight 7st and if I try to force him he could even now push me over and isn't forcing someone 'carer abuse'?

RE Mental Capacity BB - it is a legal and moral nightmare. My GP says what you and I consider a lack of mental capacity is not considered so by the medical and legal profession. We have to prove my husbands actions are dangerous to him and whilst I think the lack of self care is, the NHS do not agree - it all comes down to cost. Even when he had cellulitus they would not take him into hospital as I was told 'older people cope better when looked after at home by their relatives'. This caused huge distress for me as my neighbours daughter in law died of Septis and she felt he should be in hospital when she saw his legs. I may go and see my GP but there is little he can do , as my husband is not his patient. I cannot easily get to see his GP although she is very nice, and sees him for what he is, as she is at a different surgery - husband fell out with m y GP when he said he was confused!!!!!

I have great friends and thank you both for your comments. I am afraid it has been a tough few days.
I often wonder if some medical professionals are in the wrong job? Don't be afraid to call them out when they are being less than helpful, a firm letter in addition to what BB said about how hard it is for you a gentle I don't want to have to complain but if you continue to make things more stressful for me I will have to complain and ensure a supportive nurse attends might help too. Besides if you don't say anything the Nurse will continue with this attitude and it won't help either you or your husband.

You cannot force him to do anything he does not want to, how would he take persuasion or you could be totally blunt and call it blackmail and would he be bothered if you phrased it so it's not optional for a hospital bed because if not he'd have to have nurses more often including bathing him if he doesn't have it? Either way keep refusing him in your room as it's not on for them to encourage your health to fail.

Can your GP refer you for counselling? I don't know the area you are in but I know when I was struggling with my dad's parents who are verbally abusive all the time my GP referred me to a free counselling service. In the meantime whilst your waiting on a befriender I'm happy to chat, either here or message me.
Thanks Sall- very much appreciated. I have tried gentle persuasion, logic, tears but nothing works. He is very set in his ways.

Today he has had a bath run by me, put his dirty dressing gown on, no underpants. He did put the cream on the sores. He won't let me put the dressing on because he says he may need the loo - not been since Friday last week. Has he had the lactulose he was going to have last night and was one of the reasons we did not go to the pub quiz? No! Is he going to have it now? Later. This is what I am up against all the time. He is sleeping now so will try to prompt again when he wakes up and get him to cream his legs. He is in a dirty gown with open wounds which I totally realise is a huge risk re infections. I really need to get the dressing on but it is impossible right now to do so.

He has not been diagnosed with dementia but there was considerable atrophy when he had a scan after a fall back in 2013, even taking into account his age at the time. He had the heamatoma then so has had no further scans. I frankly think he does have dementia but am not in a position to progress right now as have to live with him 24/7.

I did try NHS counselling back in 2013 but the counselor was very young and said she felt very out of her depth with me. I did vol work at Relate years ago - only as a receptionist, so realise how it works. For me, it would be a safe place to offload but I think I would need to search out a private counselor who had either been a carer herself/himself or who had a special interest in helping carers. I am lucky having a couple of friends who have been carers and they are very good but I do not wish to burden them too much.

I will write to his GP stressing how difficult it can be to get him to co-operate and try to find out the name of the head of the nurses although in fairness, most of them who have been a few times are great. He does sometimes follow me when I see the nurses out which of course, stops me from giving them additional information.

I do get out when I can. I chair a Book Club but he has to come too. I also am a member of Rotary but he comes and moans as he does not like the people who in fairness, are really lovely and a couple of women see him for what he is. I also show my cats occasionally and have a lot of friends in the show world and I always love catching up with them. My neighbour pops in at lunchtime to make sure he is ok. But I do worry about leaving him and get up very early to try and get him bathed as terrified he will put the bath on and sleep and let it overflow.