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Fri Feb 28, 2014 8:54 pm
SW - thank you thank you thank you! 
Jenny
Jenny
You're welcome, welcome, welcome!
Now, be a mate and pass some of the diaz. this way!
Cracked! Taken my first diazapam....
Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
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Sat Mar 01, 2014 12:06 am
Jenny,
You're welcome, welcome, welcome! Now, be a mate and pass some of the diaz. this way!
You're welcome, welcome, welcome!
Now, be a mate and pass some of the diaz. this way!
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Sat Mar 01, 2014 12:39 am
Jenny,
Are you going to let us down now? Just follow your own advice. and if you can't, I did.
I'm following you're advice... what can I do for you?
I have the opportunity to do so much for others; I'd rather crunch grass.
Are you going to let us down now? Just follow your own advice. and if you can't, I did.
I'm following you're advice... what can I do for you?
I have the opportunity to do so much for others; I'd rather crunch grass.
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Sat Mar 01, 2014 12:51 am
Crunch it? How bizarre. I'd rather smoke it the way that nature intended, or bake it into a cake. This is turning into a "drug of choice" thread isn't it?Jenny,
Are you going to let us down now? Just follow your own advice. and if you can't, I did.
I'm following you're advice... what can I do for you?
I have the opportunity to do so much for others; I'd rather crunch grass.
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Sat Mar 01, 2014 1:27 am
Erm, not really. Scrunch it,munch it, crunch it: who cares? Wish the Government did. Still, there is hope yet?
But I don't think so. Call me a pessimist, but all they have to do is call up up those calculators... I'll wait until the en'th of Twelfth of never for that!
But I don't think so. Call me a pessimist, but all they have to do is call up up those calculators... I'll wait until the en'th of Twelfth of never for that!
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Sat Mar 01, 2014 9:13 am
Jenny,
Someone, somewhere else on this forum mentioned being a care organiser rather than a full time carer.
That sounds like what you're doing, and could well be your solution. If you can get a decent package of care in place for your Mil (and you're off to a good start considering you're 400 miles away from Glasgow) then she can stay with you for a week say, every 6 wks say, instead of 2 weeks every month.
It sounds to me that she's isolated and lonely rather than in need of a carer (so far, anyway.) Isolation is a terrible thing.
There's a charity called Independent Age who offer a befriending service. Their number is 0800 319 6789 or check out this link
http://www.independentage.org/befriending/
Worth a go? Might take some of the pressure of you.
Someone, somewhere else on this forum mentioned being a care organiser rather than a full time carer.
That sounds like what you're doing, and could well be your solution. If you can get a decent package of care in place for your Mil (and you're off to a good start considering you're 400 miles away from Glasgow) then she can stay with you for a week say, every 6 wks say, instead of 2 weeks every month.
It sounds to me that she's isolated and lonely rather than in need of a carer (so far, anyway.) Isolation is a terrible thing.
There's a charity called Independent Age who offer a befriending service. Their number is 0800 319 6789 or check out this link
http://www.independentage.org/befriending/
Worth a go? Might take some of the pressure of you.
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Sat Mar 01, 2014 1:02 pm
Jenny your gp can offer you meds which like you say when you get stressed you take diazapam but your gp can do referrals to counselling services if you feel you need it also he can make referrals to social services I am not sure of your area but do you have a carers centre we do and ours are very good they can also do carers assessments
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Sat Mar 01, 2014 1:19 pm
If your MIL is really a hideous burden to you and the only solution to your problems is for her to die (yours words) then perhaps she is better off lonely and isolated in Glasgow than living with you when you feel like this about her. It's your MIL that I actually feel sorry for, she must feel so unloved knowing that you don't want her around. If you really feel the way you say you do, then be honest with her and her son about how you really feel, drive her home and then leave it up to them to sort out housing and care, because you don't care remember? or maybe you do really and your rage is about something else.
Personally I am sad and also angry that your MIL is being treated like this, because it really doesn't seem to be anything that she does or says that you hate, it's just the fact that you don't want to be around for her.
Personally I am sad and also angry that your MIL is being treated like this, because it really doesn't seem to be anything that she does or says that you hate, it's just the fact that you don't want to be around for her.
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Sat Mar 01, 2014 3:45 pm
Nope, I don't want to be around for her the way I am at the moment. I'm sacrificing a nearly all of my life, and a lot of my sanity, to look after her as much as I do. And no, I don't think she'd be happier if I drove her up to Glasgow and dumped her there for the rest of her life. I think she'd be happiest if I handed my life over to her completely, and let her move in with me, and have hotel service for the rest of her days.
I fail to see why my life is any less valid or valuable than hers, especially considering she's had thirty more years of life than I have had, and none of them were spent with her mother in law living in her house being waited on hand and foot!
I'm trying to find a 50:50 split, where I actually (!) get to have half my own life to myself, and not as the servant and caregiver to a 90 year old.
I don't think that's unreasonable, and I wouldn't suggest any further sacrifice than that by myself if I were reading about myself here.
Do you think she feels sorry for me? Do you think she thinks 'Poor Jenny, having to look after me! Poor Jenny having me to stay for a month at a time! Poor Jenny having to provide a hotel service to me! Poor Jenny giving up her time and her life to me!'
I don't think so. I think she's glad, even grateful possibly, but she never says thank you for what I'm doing for her (other than saying thank you for a cup of tea etc), and yes, maybe that's because she's got incipient dementia, but it still means that I am taken for granted by her, and she is not exactly 'volunteering' to go home for two weeks! She agrees with me when I tell her I need a break, but she doesn't offer first, believe me! And even if she were openly grateful and appreciative of what I do, that doesn't take away the brute fact that I've spent the last five months doing very, very little else apart from looking after her hand and foot and having her live in my house like a permanent house guest! I've had about four weeks on my own away from her since the end of September, that's it. Four weeks of my house to myself. Other than that she's been in my house the entire time.
Do you think I show her my irritation and resentment and mental torment over losing my life to her? Do you think I'm not ' nice as pie' to her when she's with me? The worst I do to her is keep her waiting for her lunch if I've 'overrun' on my coffee with my carer friend (as I did this morning by about half an hour). Do you think I'm not cheerful and smiling and cossetting and helpful and endlessly patient with her? Do you think I don't take her to the shops nearly every day, or take her out for a little drive in the countryside, or go off and have nice teas in nice tea shoppes and out to lunch sometimes as well? Do you think I make her watch the programmes on the TV that I want to watch, instead of the ones she wants to watch? Do you think I don't give her her dinner at the time she likes to have her dinner, and not the time I like to have mine? Do you think I don't take her to the hairdresser, or wash her hair myself, or that I don't do her laundry, and clean her flat when I go up there?
Do you think I don't do any of that, and with a smiling, cheerful, willing, friendly, affectionate, cossetting, attentive, patient manner to her all the time?
I GIVE and I GIVE and I GIVE to her - so don't tell me that I should do any more than I am already doing.
As for wanting her to die - she can live as long as she likes, with my blessing, but not if I have to give up the rest of my life to continuing to look after her the way I am doing now, because, like I say, my life is as valid as hers and I'm entitled to my life as much as she is entitled to hers - but she is NOT entitled to live at the level of the sacrifice for her that I am currently making. I am not sacrificing my life just so she can live to a hundred!
I fail to see why my life is any less valid or valuable than hers, especially considering she's had thirty more years of life than I have had, and none of them were spent with her mother in law living in her house being waited on hand and foot!
I'm trying to find a 50:50 split, where I actually (!) get to have half my own life to myself, and not as the servant and caregiver to a 90 year old.
I don't think that's unreasonable, and I wouldn't suggest any further sacrifice than that by myself if I were reading about myself here.
Do you think she feels sorry for me? Do you think she thinks 'Poor Jenny, having to look after me! Poor Jenny having me to stay for a month at a time! Poor Jenny having to provide a hotel service to me! Poor Jenny giving up her time and her life to me!'
I don't think so. I think she's glad, even grateful possibly, but she never says thank you for what I'm doing for her (other than saying thank you for a cup of tea etc), and yes, maybe that's because she's got incipient dementia, but it still means that I am taken for granted by her, and she is not exactly 'volunteering' to go home for two weeks! She agrees with me when I tell her I need a break, but she doesn't offer first, believe me! And even if she were openly grateful and appreciative of what I do, that doesn't take away the brute fact that I've spent the last five months doing very, very little else apart from looking after her hand and foot and having her live in my house like a permanent house guest! I've had about four weeks on my own away from her since the end of September, that's it. Four weeks of my house to myself. Other than that she's been in my house the entire time.
Do you think I show her my irritation and resentment and mental torment over losing my life to her? Do you think I'm not ' nice as pie' to her when she's with me? The worst I do to her is keep her waiting for her lunch if I've 'overrun' on my coffee with my carer friend (as I did this morning by about half an hour). Do you think I'm not cheerful and smiling and cossetting and helpful and endlessly patient with her? Do you think I don't take her to the shops nearly every day, or take her out for a little drive in the countryside, or go off and have nice teas in nice tea shoppes and out to lunch sometimes as well? Do you think I make her watch the programmes on the TV that I want to watch, instead of the ones she wants to watch? Do you think I don't give her her dinner at the time she likes to have her dinner, and not the time I like to have mine? Do you think I don't take her to the hairdresser, or wash her hair myself, or that I don't do her laundry, and clean her flat when I go up there?
Do you think I don't do any of that, and with a smiling, cheerful, willing, friendly, affectionate, cossetting, attentive, patient manner to her all the time?
I GIVE and I GIVE and I GIVE to her - so don't tell me that I should do any more than I am already doing.
As for wanting her to die - she can live as long as she likes, with my blessing, but not if I have to give up the rest of my life to continuing to look after her the way I am doing now, because, like I say, my life is as valid as hers and I'm entitled to my life as much as she is entitled to hers - but she is NOT entitled to live at the level of the sacrifice for her that I am currently making. I am not sacrificing my life just so she can live to a hundred!
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Sat Mar 01, 2014 5:54 pm
I can only assume that your last post was a reply to mine, I say presume, because NO, I didn't ask you to do any of the things that you suggest did I?
I agreed with everyone else that you shouldn't be looking after your MIL, my only difference is that I was thinking of your MIL's feelings and not yours.
I'm not arguing with you or replying to anymore posts on this subject, I hope it works out for the best for both of you.
I agreed with everyone else that you shouldn't be looking after your MIL, my only difference is that I was thinking of your MIL's feelings and not yours.
I'm not arguing with you or replying to anymore posts on this subject, I hope it works out for the best for both of you.