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Carers UK Forum • Coping with two people who need care
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Coping with two people who need care

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 9:36 am
by Emma_19061
I am currently looking after my mum post stroke. I haven't experienced this before but she appears even more demanding than a baby! I get called to her room for all manner of things at least thirty times a day.

I also care for my daughter who is on lockdown with everyone. She has had a difficult life so far and for a fifteen year old can be quite childlike.

I'm struggling to meet the demands of mother and care properly for daughter.

Any advice would be great.

Re: Coping with two people who need care

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 9:52 am
by Jane Carers UK
Hi Emma, welcome to the forum. It sounds like you're quite new to caring but it's important to remember you're not alone! Having the rest of the family at home unexpectedly can cause extra strain.

I'm sure there are lots of forum members in a similar situation who will be along to offer support. Meanwhile have a look through our help and advice pages here for tips on coping, and check you're getting all the help you're entitled to:

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice

Best wishes

Jane

Re: Coping with two people who need care

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 10:50 am
by bowlingbun
Welcome to the forum.
How old is mum?
When did she have her stroke, and when was she discharged?
Is she now living with you - where was she living pre stroke?
Did anyone ask you if you had other caring responsibilities, and whether you were able to care for mum??

Re: Coping with two people who need care

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 11:05 am
by Emma_19061
bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Apr 16, 2020 10:50 am
Welcome to the forum.
How old is mum?
When did she have her stroke, and when was she discharged?
Is she now living with you - where was she living pre stroke?
Did anyone ask you if you had other caring responsibilities, and whether you were able to care for mum??
Hi. Mum is 86. She had her stroke January second. My daughter and I lived in mum's house prior to this so I could help my brother with her care. Then she had a stroke so I gave up work to be primary carer and brother helps with practical side like cooking.

We all get along but it does worry me that when I go to work full time again mum won't like having carers as she won't get attention immediately which is expected now.

Thanks
😞

Re: Coping with two people who need care

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 11:36 am
by bowlingbun
You need to wean mum off the endless demands for the sake of your own sanity, and to prepare her for the time when you will be working again.
Do you have any part of the day set aside just for your relaxation?
Mornings can be busy, but surely mum can manage to do without any support after lunch for a while?
Could you use the government's instruction to go for some exercise every day as an excuse to escape for a while?

Does mum own or rent her house?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings?
Depending on your answer, you will have various options open to you.

Re: Coping with two people who need care

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 5:10 pm
by Emma_19061
bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Apr 16, 2020 11:36 am
You need to wean mum off the endless demands for the sake of your own sanity, and to prepare her for the time when you will be working again.
Do you have any part of the day set aside just for your relaxation?
Mornings can be busy, but surely mum can manage to do without any support after lunch for a while?
Could you use the government's instruction to go for some exercise every day as an excuse to escape for a while?

Does mum own or rent her house?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings?
Depending on your answer, you will have various options open to you.
I have been writing down times and descriptions of demands made. Some are perfectly reasonable. Most of her demands are because she won't try and do anything for herself and fake cries if we push it with her! I'm sure I'm not alone with this kind of thing.

I escape every three days to shops as she has to have eggs and they are not exactly easy to get.

There is no time during the day when I can relax. It is getting silly but I don't want to hurt her feelings. :(

Re: Coping with two people who need care

Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 5:24 pm
by bowlingbun
YOUR needs are equally important. Saying "I don't want to hurt her feelings" shows where the problem is.

Mum is using you as her personal slave, without any consideration for YOUR needs.
This is very common with the "very elderly" i.e. the over 85 group, they just can't see how much others are running around them. As my own mum became hugely disabled, as my brothers were not available, I was expected to do everything, even when I was recently widowed, recently disabled in a car accident that nearly killed me, leaving me hobbling round with a walking stick, a business to run to pay the bills, and a son with severe learning difficulties!!
On the verge of a breakdown, I had counselling. It was hugely helpful and would undoubtedly help you too, as soon as the virus makes that possible.