Coping with caring

[Tired and Tearful]

Hi Everyone

How do you cope with caring for someone you no longer recognise?

I care for both my elderly parents and I feel like my Mum has disappeared and I am left with this woman I don't recognise who is so nasty and unkind and joyless.

I've been sat thinking today that this Mothers Day will be so hard, because any attempt at flowers or a card will be met with indifference so I may as well not waste my time or money.

I am angry that my Mum has disappeared and I'm angry that I'm caring for a woman I don't recognise and who is very keen to tell me how awful I am at everything.

I come away from each visit in tears and it breaks my heart to see my poor old Dad doing his very best by cooking meals etc but also being met with nasty comments all the time.

We have paid carers in to get her up and dressed and my Dad does the meals and I deal with all the finances, medication, the impossible amount of appointments and phone calls etc. I also work full time and I'm an only child so there is only me family wise.

I feel like I've hit a wall now, I hate this situation and I miss my Mum.

My local Carers Support told me there was nothing they could offer and so now I feel so stuck, I can't keep boring friends with my misery else I do to them what this strange woman is doing to me and that's not fair.

I should add we have a mental health assessment appointment but in 3 months time due to Covid delays.

I'm just so sad and lonely and I don't feel well mentally or emotionally and I feel an overwhelming tiredness I just can't describe.

It does get better doesn't it?

[Karen Dee]

Hello and welcome,
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time with your mum.
Concentrate on supporting your dad. It sounds like you still have a good relationship with your dad. That will give you comfort and get you through these difficult times. He lives with her all the time whereas you can 'escape' to your home.
Plus make sure you add some leisure time and social activities to your life so that you have something to look forward to, (when restrictions are gone).

[bowlingbun]

Dad should be getting a lot of support for his caring role.
When did Social Services last do a Needs Assessment for mum, and a Carers Assessment for dad?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance for mum, and exemption from Council Tax for mum?
Do you have Power of Attorney for mum and dad?

[Tired and Tearful]

Hi,

When did Social Services last do a Needs Assessment for mum, and a Carers Assessment for dad?

Needs Assessment was done about 8 weeks ago but focused on physical issues and mobility more than anything else and Dad is still in the very long queue for a Carers Assessment.

Is he claiming Attendance Allowance for mum, and exemption from Council Tax for mum?
Do you have Power of Attorney for mum and dad?

Yes they both have AA as Dad also has a disability, I was told not entitled to Council Tax exemption and yes I have Power of Attorney for both as I manage bills and bank account etc.

I can forsee a time when Dad won't be able to do what he does now but he won't/can't see that himself.

[bowlingbun]

Mum should be entitled to exemption from Council Tax on the grounds of "severe mental impairment" if she had dementia, AND this can be backdated to the day of diagnosis! The highest refund I've heard of so far was in excess of £8,000!!!
The only situation I can think of for not allowing this would be if you live with your parents? That would give two adults liable in the household.
Unfortunately, many councils are not especially aware of this exemption, and may also say it can't be backdated, when it can.
It's really easy to apply for the exemption. The council send a short form asking for GP details, then they write to the GP for confirmation.

[Trelawney_1812]

Dear T&T
I just read your post after posting an almost identical post to yours! How interesting. I feel very alone coping with Mum and Dad so do know how you feel. I had 2 siblings but one (sister) sadly died last March and my brother lives in the US so down to me. Mum now 93 is unrecognizable from the person she used to be - all her fun and spirit gone and just seems very low. Dad is 88 and does his best but he is now frail so I feel like i'm caring for both of them.

Like you have PoA and attendance allowance in place and we managed to get a council tax discount as Mum now sleeps downstairs in a chair (not ideal). However its more the emotional/practical side that takes the strain long term. If you want to privately message me you are welcome and may be we can come up with some ideas between us?
Thanks and do take care.

[Melly1]

Linda,
I have started you a new thread of your own here https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... ring-43165

Melly1