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Charging my dad - Carers UK Forum

Charging my dad

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Hello there.

I will be straight to the point here. I gave up my job when my dad was diagnosed with leukaemia...long story..... And he has lived with me and my partner since the end of June last year. Unfortunately, We were and are not in a financial position to support him so since then over and above the AA and carers allowance we have charged him £100 per week. That includes absolutely everything he needs. All the family including us thought this was a short term care need as his prognosis always was and is poor. My partner earns an average salary and we do still have a mortgage. We are barely breaking even and my partner wants to increase this £100 to £150 per week. His care package is paid in full by way of the CHC. I am joint POA with my sister so we are fully aware of his financial position. Since my dad has been here with us his pensions are growing rapidly. I would be grateful for your honest opinion as I feel very uncomfortable approaching my sister as I know she already disagrees with the £100 we currently charge my dad. My dad is bed bound, and apart from his personal care I do everything for him. Al he is able to do for himself is feed and give himself a drink but those tasks are becoming more onerous for him. Apart from his leukemia he suffered a severe stroke that has also left him paralysed. Thank you.
If your sister objects to you charging your dad £100 a week, pile him into a care and take him over the her house and dump him on her.

Let's see if that shuts her up!

Honestly, the nerve of the woman - letting YOU do everything, and then whinging that you dare to pay yourself a pittance for it! (If you hired in a carer full time to do what you are doing it would be AT LEAST £100 A DAY!!!!!
I'm with Jenny. Why not go away, just overnight, and let sister take over? She will be DESPERATE for your return.
There are two aspects to what you should be charging dad.
Firstly, his keep, board and lodging. If he was in a care home or nursing home, entirely funded by the Local Authority, he would still have to make a "financial contribution". This would amount to ALL his income less about £25 a week pocket money, and the rest would be made up by the LA. However, he's living with you, but you still have all the same costs, so apply the same rules. He's not paying anything towards his care from CHC, so as you say, he's "quids in". My son is on "Direct Payments" so I can pay up to £15 per hour for his care.
Secondly, the care you provide. Actually, you should not be doing much for dad as it's all supposed to be done through CHC. When did they last do a Needs Assessment for him? Strikes me it's well overdue. If you don't want troops of carers in your house, has anyone told you the CHC can be paid directly to you instead?
If you feel that the time has come for him to move into a nursing home, that should be fully funded by CHC.
Hope that helps. You can't work and care for dad. Your life is being hugely affected, sister is living a normal life. I reckons she's just worried that her inheritance will be going down and you are getting more from dad. Quite right too, as you are the one doing all the work!!!
Realistically, that's £14 a day for his bed and full board, laundry, cleaning, personal care and anything else I've missed. You won't find a nursing home charging that rate. Your proposed increase takes it to around £20 a day. Still a bargain.
Suggest you put this to your sister.
Jx
Thank you all for your replies. I suppose I just need others views as money is always an I motive subject and I feel very awkward having direct frank conversations especially with my sister and her husband. What I must not lose sight of is that at the my dad whilst he was in hospital of going into a nursing home he cried like a baby. Whilst his ideal would be to return to his home that sadly was and is not an option so we all know he would rather be here than in a home. He has his own TV in the dining room part of our lounge diner with all the virgin channels, that we pay for. He has visitors every day from either family and or friends. He has what he wants to eat and drink including all his favourite treats every day whenever he wants it. The heating is on every day for him. His bed is positioned so he can see us from one angle and the garden from the other. (I made a little kind of cottage garden for him right outside the French doors). He is never left on his own in the house. I give him regular hair cuts and manicures. Bedding changed at least twice a week. So whilst I know I am being biased he has one on one care 24 hours a day and I know with the best will in the world there would not be a nurse home in the land that would be able to give him this. And you know what, a lot of the time I actually enjoy doing this. I was never blessed with children so I see this as something I can do for someone else.
Can I ask how many hours care a day you are receiving from Continuing Healthcare?
Your dad is very lucky to have a daughter as kind and caring as you. However, it's important that you and your husband have regular time off together. Is this happening?
My dads care package is 2 carers 4 times a day. They spend half an hour in The morning then the other 3 visits are to check my dads pad and change if needed and drain his catheter. To be honest I don't want them doing anything else. I stumbled on CHC so my dad had been here for 6 weeks before the form was even submitted so I was told the CHC would be based on my dads current care package. My sister made it clear from day one she would not become dads second carer and I respect her honesty. With that in mind we made a pact that we would never ask her for anything. Therefore we have 2 hours every other week where we go and visit his mum. Then there are the odd invite out we accept and another family member, in fact my late mums cousin and her husband, comes and sits with my dad. Btw thank you for your kind words too ;)
My point about CHC was that if dad's needs have increased, then the needs assessment should be updated accordingly. I understand that there is then there is the option of the NHS paying you for the care which you provide dad, rather than them paying for additional agency time. The package of care should also include more than 2 hours off now and then for you. I just wanted to make you aware of this option. For more information, Google the Continuing Healthcare Framework.
How very convenient indeed for your sister that she's got you to agree 'never to ask her for anything' in respect of your dad! Wow, she's got you nailed to the floor, hasn't she?

Has she explained to you why she doesn't want you to have any of your dad's money for looking after him? What does she think he should be spending it on? Or does she, as BB says, and which I too strongly suspect (!), she wants it totting up in the bank all nice and shiny for when your father dies and she can get her lazy, greedy fingers into it?!!!!

I'll take a punt that's it!

A friend of mine is in a similar position to you - she has her elderly father with dementia living with her, and she used to share him (unequally - ie, she did twice as much time) with her sister. Last year her sister pulled out of the deal, and said he should go into a home. Fair enough, but my friend wanted to keep him out of a home, so now looks after him full time.

HOWEVER she takes a 'wage' for it, as she very rightly sees NO REASON why her sister, who is doing NOTHING for her father, should get equal shares of whatever money is left when their dad finally dies!

She also spends his money (she has PoA) from time to time on having an overnight carer in so she can get a holiday (and it's over £800 a week!).

You are ENTIRELY ENTITLED to do similar!

It really is beyond belief to me that your sister can POSSIBLY object to your father paying you to do everything you do do for him, when SHE won't lift a finger for him!
I go away bed an breakfast from time to time. Never EVER have I paid just £150 per week. For a single person the going rate is still around £60 for very modest accommodation. That's £420 per week. Just B&B. Full board is much more. Nursing care much more still. So stop shooting yourself in the foot. Actually, your sister can moan as much as she likes, but she has absolutely no power over you, other than the power YOU ALLOW HER TO HAVE. So don't allow her any. In fact, I'd be very inclined to tell her to get lost entirely. As you gave up work to look after dad, it would be very fair to take the same amount that you were earning PLUS board and lodging. (The formal term for this is the "opportunity cost")
Every time I read your thread I get more and more annoyed with your sister. But then I had a brother very similar. Now he has had his (reduced) share of mum's estate, he couldn't even be bothered to send me a Christmas card.