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Caring for a Partner Blues - Carers UK Forum

Caring for a Partner Blues

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I'm in one of my frustrated-to-tears moods. I was giving the lawn it's last cut of the year and the darn mower broke. It's only three months old. I've called the mower retailer and they questioned me as if I'm some sort of a dope. I'm a girl you see, a 60-year-old girl, who can't be trusted to know when something is broken. The man at the mower place said, "are you sure something isn't stuck in it?" Arghhhh!

And now I'm waiting for the plumber to fix the shower mixer in the bathroom I use for my caree. The mixer in my shower broke last year and the plumber as much as blamed me for turning it too hard. (I managed to turn it on and off for 12 years without a problem before it started leaking!) Now, I'm just hoping it isn't the same bloke that shows up. You see, I have to shower my caree so I use that mixer too.

Last week a bulb in a ceiling fixture needed replacing and I could not manage to get the old bulb out, so a friend of my husband's had to come and do it for me. It took him a few seconds, he was willing to use more force than I was it seems.

I'm not complaining about men patronizing women or me being a whimp with light bulbs. I'm complaining that it's not my job to mow the lawn or change bulbs in tricky light fixtures, it's my husband's. It's not my job to fix plumbing or know when to call a plumber, it's my husband's. My husband is my caree and he can't do anything, apart from talk for England. He can't change light bulbs. He can't shower himself. He can't mow the lawn. He can't do anything requiring physical activity at all.

It's not the personal aspects of caring for my husband that get me down, I don't mind them at all. It's all the minor domestic chores that he is "supposed" to do that now fall on me that send me off the abyss. If I lived alone I would expect to be responsible for everything and I know I would cope better, I've "been there and done that". Now, I sometimes feel more alone and less capable than I ever did living by myself.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Not much I can say but I can see what you mean. It's not easy having to take up the responsibility of both people in a relationship.
Sorry you're going through this Stacey.
(((HUGS))) from me too.

Take care
Meg
Hi Stacey,gets to you doesn`t it,having to do everything and being patronised as well.But it`s not a purely feminine thing.I get sick of being asked if i can cope with the personal care of my parents,like only women should do that,and at the same time being expected to instantly understand anything technical.We are all still placed in our respective boxes for others to tick.
I do understand your situation with your partner though,and it`s common for people to feel lonely in a relationship where a large degree of care has become necessary.I went through it with my partner before she died,then i went through the guilt of feeling selfish for wanting more.It`s very hard for others with "normal" lives to understand.I did find a very good counsellor who helped me a lot and was able to put my thoughts into perspective.Hope things pick up for you.Don`t want to sound at all patronising,but you could try talking to a local carers support group,you are likely to find others in the same boat,and i always found a good bitch about life to be highly therapeutic. Image Image Image
Sitting there too, but if nothing else it's taught me that I can do a lot of things I once wouldn't have dreamed of attempting...............and make a pretty good job too. And for those I can't, there is always a man, somewhere and I don't care if they are patronising as long as they can do it!

But yes, I would so much rather not be doing.
I knew you all would understand. Image

I plod along okay most of the time and I have learned to take time for myself. I sometimes take fun courses and I volunteer for a charity once a week. However, there are days when I feel as if my entire life has been swallowed up by caring. It's not the big, obvious things that tend to get me down, it's the seemingly "little" things that do. Like having to fit everything around my caree's schedule, not mine. It's all those somewhat subtle things, all those things that completely change the dynamics of a normal relationship on its head, that no one else but another carer understands.

Audrey, my almost-twin, I have nearly come to blows with an upstairs loo seat as well. After cursing the designer for manufacturing a seat that was nearly impossible to fit in the real world, but finally doing a good-enough job to fit it I discovered that the cover was too wide. The cover hits the flush handle when it is in the raised position. I am still too traumatized by the whole experience to venture into another DIY store to find a seat that has a narrow enough cover and a long enough seat to fit on the blinking toilet! Image
See??? Yes. Yes.
That's what this 52 year old has been going on about for years and years.
We have to do everything, which women don't associate themselves doing.
My next door neighbour for example, never changes light bulbs, or mows their massive lawn, or takes the bin bags out, or changes washers, or electric plugs, or unblocks the toilet/sink/bath/shower unit, or cleans out the drains, or puts oil in the cars, or greases the points on the tractor whilst lying flat on her back on the ground, or carries logs in for the fire, or digs the garden, or checks tyre pressures, or cleans out the firegrate, or lays a new one(fire), or bleeds the radiators, or fiddles with the water pressure pot when the heating goes wrong, or goes outside to re-light the boiler when the pilot light blows out in strong winds, or lights the Aga, or sweeps up the dead mice and torn-apart rabbits in their yard (we have them too), or creeps out in the middle of the night to 'see what that noise is'.
etc etc etc HER HUSBAND DOES ALL THESE THINGS AS A MATTER OF COURSE.
Those of us who care for our menfolk, because our menfolk can't care or do anything for themselves, just know what it's like. And you're right, Stacey, the smallest request or necessity of tasks which need doing, feels like a mountain you need to climb which is covered in razor wire. Then you get resentful, for want of a .... well, a man to do it. Then you don't want to do any of them. Then they mount up, hence my 24 inches long job list in the kitchen. Yes, we do it, do it well sometimes, surprise ourselves sometimes, but we just wish we didn't have to.
Not so hard psychologically, when you're living on your own?
HUGS to us all, anyway.
There is a wall light fixing in the PA's room with 4 spotlights on it.
Three of the spotlights have been OUT for MONTHS AND MONTHS ON END - and no, not one of the several PAs we've had over the past months and months has bothered to say anything about it, not to hubby nor me. Not even the ex-permanent one. They just leave it.
I don't care this time. If they're too idle to ask or can't be bothered to say anything about the fading light in their room, then it's no skin off my nose. And I'm damned if I'm going to change them myself. It's their room, it's down to them. I'm fed up of this.
Hi Stacey

I could have written that post. My hubby was the practical one although he didn't garden. I can do DIY but I hate it, its not me and I also resent having to do it. Our house is in a total shambles at the minute. Hubby started jobs in the past when he felt up to it then had a bad health run and never finished it. Then started another.... now he can't do anything Image
The only person who can do them is my brother but he has mental health issues and so can only do them if hes up to it!!
DS tries but he's dyspraxic so that doesn't always go well.

It doesn't help when you start doing something and suddenly our caree needs something, you get back to the job 1/2 hour later, then get interupted again and so it goes on

So i get where you're coming from.
I understand all the above! Paul used to be able to do the decorating, mow the lawn, do odd jobs but now he cant and its left to me! The lounge needs decorating as there is a patch without wallpaper where the council took out the old air thing and plastered over it and I have no motivation whatsoever and I really want my lounge nice, cant afford for anyone to do it so I will hve to get stuck in after xmas. On the landing a floor board has rotted or something and everytime you stand on it the carpet sinks down, I havent a clue what to do so I asked for a repair 4 months ago and still no-one has been, also the light thingwhere the bulb goes in on the top landing is corroded so the bulb flickers and shorts the fuses all the time, that was reported 4 months ago as well.
My Mum wants me to decorate her kitchen before xmas aaarrgghh!!!
I have to pay the local hoodies to mow my lawn, hate doing that as they rip me off but what else can I do its 60' long and I cant manage it.