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Caring for a partner - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Caring for a partner

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Thanks for the tip Bowlingbun good advice we have actually already gone down that route and been accepted financially its a great relief.

Worth anyone with life threatening issues following up.
That's good news one less thing to worry about, although plenty of others I expect. In my area it's almost impossible to get.
hi everyone
just thought as since i cant get to sleep i might as well tell you the latest .
you all know that i care for my partner who has copd , arthrist , asthma and had a heart attack three years ago. also now has cancer again after not even eleven years ago being diagnosed with colon cancer.
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apparently when they took a tumor away four years ago they left a smaller one which they couldnt get to in his body . And until yesterday they hadn't told him . so im feeling pretty low .
just seems that of lately that the health service dont seem to care about their patients but all about money they could save but if they told their patients at the time it would have saved money and time that could be used some where else.
As for me i just have to some how find the strenght to see me through what we will have to face once we find out how bad thing are and what the next move is .
Hi Carol, have you been in touch with Social Services for a Carers Assessment recently? Also find out about the NHS Continuing healthcare checklist. If you think your husband meets the criteria, ask your GP to arrange a proper assessment.
Hi, my situation is similar to alot of the posts on here, so its opened my eyes to see alot of people feeling the same way i do.
I care for my husband, who right from when we first met was diabetic, but has progressed over the years to several toe & metatarsal amputations, neuropathy, & now to top it all gastroparesis...ive never asked for any help physically or financially before, & i work full time in London, but recently with this new diagnosis of gastroparesis on top of him now wheelchair bound im now at my wits end...no sooner have i walked through the door im clearing up sick bowls, & although he is my husband & cant help being ill, im so tired that im starting to resent him...i hate feeling this way, & then feel guilty for feeling like this about the man i married...im just so worn out..even the smallest act of making a cup of tea for myself, i stand there watching the kettle thinking he used to do this for me after i got in from work, I havent had a tea made for me in months & months...i know this sounds really selfish, i just dont know which way to turn :(
Hi Kerry, are you getting any help at all? Start with asking Social Services for a Needs Assessment for your husband, and a Carers Assessment for yourself. Make sure your Carers Assessment is done away from your husband, somewhere very private, so you can cry and say exactly how you feel, without anyone other than you and the assessor knowing.
google "NHS Continuing Healthcare Checklist", and score your husband yourself. If you think he might qualify, then ask your GP to arrange an assessment for you. Social Services are supposed to make appropriate arrangements to allow carers to continue working, but in practice, it's still difficult. I think it would be really helpful for you to see a counsellor, to work out the likely long term options for you. Is it realistic for you to continue caring for your husband? Do you want to? How important is your career to you in terms of personal fulfilment? In financial terms? It might help you to talk to the Carers UK helpline to find out what benefits would be available to you if you gave up work altogether. If the helpline is busy, you can email them. Also think about whether your current home is suitable for someone with your husband's disability? Clearly, something in your current life is going to have to change, a real "Life Changing Moment" is looming. Whatever you decide, it needs to be a careful, informed decision. Don't leave it too long. In the meantime, have you thought about asking your employer to reduce your hours? Under the Equality Act, you are covered in the same way your husband is, they have to make "reasonable adjustments" for you, as you are caring for a disabled person.
Kerry hi -

First off, I suspect the mods here will probably lift your post and create a new 'slot' for you, so you don't get mixed up with the current one.

Secondly, welcome to the forum. It's a very supportive place, and though we are all carers across a wide range of carees, from elederly parents through partners through children, each category with their own demands and stresses, I'd say there was always an underlying commonality between us - having to look after anyone else is 'the same' in many ways. Our lives no longer completely belong to ourselves, our 'freedoms' are curtailed, and our responsibilities (and workload!) inevitably increased.

As you 'read around' on this site, one of the 'themes' that may become visible is how often caring 'creeps up on us' - few of us go from being 'non-carer' to 'carer'. In a way that makes it easier, as we sort of 'slide' into caring without a huge event (obviously, for some here, there is such a divide, eg if a partner has a sudden accident or whatever). But one of the 'downsides' of sliding into caring, as you seem to have done, as your husband's situation worsens medically, or complications increase, is that it's hard to spot the moment when 'it all gets too much'.

It does sound like you've crossed that divide, and that now 'something has to change'. It's often ,I think, the very act of joining this forum - we join it when we're basically running a flag up the pole with 'Help!!!!' written on it!

Another concept you'll discover here is one that another forum calls bluntly Clapped Out Carer syndrome - which is very, very common, and again, it sounds as if that might describe you as well.

There is excellent practical advice here, whether it's how to mitigate the impact on daily life that being a carer has, of streamlining and simplifying our routines, of becoming a bit more 'ruthless' as to our priorities, etc. And also about financial support via the DWP (we all pay taxes, so just claim what you're entitled too - or the money is just wasted on rubbish like HS2!!!), and also support via the NHS.

Anyway, like I say, welcome to the forum, and don't be surprised if you see that the mods have created your own thread for you here.

Let's hope things can 'lift' a little for you now, and you will find the future a bit easier than the present - kind regards, Jenny
Hi all,
This is good to have this topic! I care for my partner who has a mental illness - though much of the caring role I am in is similar to caring for someone with a physical disability or physical illness. This is weird but its how it is. For example I do ALL the household duties, some personal care duties,as well as trying to work around someone else's anxiety, phobias and extreme OCD.
I do sometimes feel very alone with it. I don't like to talk about it with people who won't understand. I really related to Kerry saying about no one making her a cup of tea and how that sounded selfish - it doesn't to me, I completely relate to that! I come in after a day at work and no one makes me a cup of tea or a meal. How I'd love to come home just now and then and hear someone say "dinner will be ready in half an hour." Or get a welcoming hug. That's not going to happen. Sometimes there is a problem to sort out, or extra things that I have to do.
I make a point, even if not that often, to go to someone's who cooks me a meal, or we go out for a meal. I really appreciate that, it is nurturing.
One thing that I find hard is that the caring duties are constant. I can't say - today I don't feel like doing anything so I won't bother. Even if I am ill. My partner won't let anyone else in the house.
In terms of the partnership we have some strained issues in our relationship anyway, and the illness/caring have exaggerated these. We do have some fun times together and we do have support and nurturing for each other, that's all there too. One minute/day we are laughing and next one crying.
That's all for now.
Your workload is enormous. Does your partner do anything at all when you are at work? I have a son with severe learning difficulties, but he can still do his own clothes washing, peel veg., vacuum round, make his bed. If he can't won't do anything, then he should allow you some help. I'm just worried about your own physical and mental health. Sounds like you could end up being very ill due to sheer exhaustion.
Hi all,I also care for my partner who has a metal illness and at this moment in time I'm feeling so low in myself,I also hold down a full time job as a support worker.Im the only one out of the family that does everything that I need to for him,his family don't seem to care and are no support what so ever.