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Advice Required! Lengthy Problem... - Carers UK Forum

Advice Required! Lengthy Problem...

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
The saga and nightmare... as briefly as I can make it.
My parents had a very volatile marriage. Father was a wife beater and control freak who made Mum's life hell and he doesn't like anyone, wasn't liked at work and has no friends. She protected his saintly image to her family and friends ~ and still does, but his own family know his personality from their experiences and dislike him to this day. I married and moved out in 1974. In the mists of time, I naively thought Dad had mellowed however, on reflection all the clues were there. As I'm an only child, I have always worried about their welfare and in 1992 my husband and I bought a house and they moved in with us. I quickly realised Dad hadn't changed as they argued daily from the outset and my husband was shocked at the way he treats Mum. It was obvious Dad didn't like the new living arrangements as we see/hear too much and we cramp his style. Also, it became quite apparent he disliked my husband intensely and has tried every trick in the book to try and split us up so he can control me again as well as Mum. His favourite was to try and plant seeds of doubt in my mind whenever my husband rang to say he was working overtime! Initially we all worked full time then Dad retired in 1993 and Mum in 1994. Whilst we paid the mortgage/insurance, it was agreed we would split the rest of the bills 50/50 and we would do all the cooking/shopping. I suggested quarterly meetings to discuss any issues and annual meetings to review bills etc., They never materialised. As a result my parents paid £500 p.m for 11 years, before my Mum volunteered to pay an extra £50 p.m. My Mum then took seriously ill in 1996 with multiple health problems and shortly after I was made redundant after 26 years. I was caring for Mum for some considerable time before we discovered by chance she and I were entitled to DLA and AA and Mum was also diagnosed with Alzheimers 9 years ago. My husband and I have soldiered on using what savings we had to pay the bills, but over the last 6 years our circumstances have changed dramatically due to my husband's job. My Mum always handled their finances as she was the bright one and an Accounts Manager, but Dad is now controlling their finances and has transferred Mum's savings into his name and keeps withdrawing the maximum amount on regular visits to the ATM. (What he's doing with it we don't know, but he lives his own life and goes out most days without saying where he's going) In January 2009, I finally had to ask them could they possibly pitch in a bit more monthly, as bills have risen dramatically since 1992 and we're struggling. Basically, it took us 6 months to get an increase and I had to go 'cap in hand' with a list of household bills for his perusal before he suggested an extra £50!! In the end he reluctantly agreed to increase it to £750 p.m but we are now really struggling to keep the ship afloat and I need to tell him we need an increase. In the meantime, Dad has got violent with me (Mum took a bad turn in bed and he wouldn't let me near her to put a cold flannel on her forehead and raised his hand to hit me, I called my husband and he arrived just in time to see Dad grabbing me by my arm and screaming 'I'M her husband you're only THE daughter...' My husband pulled him off me and told him never to lay a finger on me again or he'd call the police. Since then, Dad's attacked my husband twice and has taken to vandalising our car and stuff in the house. He's wrecked 4 Christmases with his temper, now refuses to say 'thank you' for his evening meals which we have been cooking for 19 years (say's he 'has an issue with saying thank you!') so I have now retaliated by saying equally, I have an issue cooking meals for a man who flatly refuses to say Thank You, but we continue to cook Mum's meals. The food is there for him to help himself, but he's never cooked in his life and has now taken to buying tins of fruit and rice pudding, hiding them in their living room with a tin opener and eating them out of the tin with a spoon and the jagged lid sticking up! Following his last violence and the Thank You debacle, he told me that when I was 7 he decided to commit suicide by throwing himself in the river and he intended taking me with him ~ I told him I wanted him to move out. He hasn't. If Dad knows something annoys you, he will do it all the more and he's been that way all his life. Last night there was a row about the bins. He stood there like a 5 year old and 3 times said 'no' when I asked him to put it back where he'd moved it from for collection. In the end I told him I've had enough and I want him to go. He said 'no'. I repeated I want him gone. He said 'Oh I'll be going' I asked when and he said 'when I've got enough money together!' I told him if necessary, he can go to the Council and tell them I'm making him homeless. Meanwhile, every morning and night he's screaming at my Mum 'cos she doesn't want to get dressed/undressed etc., and I've had to intervene on many occasions as I'm frightened what he might do to her. If he does leave, he said she's his wife and she goes where he goes, but I feel like I'm throwing her to the wolves. Even now, she calls him evil and says she wouldn't have survived this long only for us! He's 83 and an absolute tyrant, but could win an Oscar for his efforts to make people think he's the nicest man on earth. People have no idea ~ and keep telling us what a lovely man he is! My husband is now 60 and hates coming home from work at night. If he goes into the kitchen, Dad deliberately walks in his path and pushes into him and keeps giving him dirty looks. The whole thing is a nightmare. Have any of you ever been in this position and if so, how did you handle it? As bad as I feel about it, enough's enough. We've put up with him for 19 years, our health is suffering through the stress of the situation and what do you do if he just refuses to move out? Obviously he knows he's on to a good thing ~ but if he won't go we need an increase in their contribution which he will now probably say we're requesting due to bloody mindedness... We've even thought of selling the house just to escape him. Help!!!
Easy soloution...kick him out! you bill him for what is owed...get a draft letter drawn up by your solicitors so that he has a certain day to pay by if he doesn't then he is evicted...not your mum just him. How the hell you've put up with him this long is beyond me. Make sure when eviction day dawns his things are in a bag outside the front door. If he get violent or refuses dial 999.
Hi Tillnwill - welcome to the forum.

I really don't think any of us have the experience or qualifications to be able to give you an easy answer your questions. Although we all surely feel for you and sympathise with your very difficult situation.

I think that you need a solicitor on board to advise you of your rights in law and where you and your Mother stand in relation to your Father's behavious. Obviously finance is an issue so you could start by going to your local CAB who will have a list of solicitors who can give you advice (usually the first half hour is free).

I do hope that you can get some resolution with this problem as no-one should have to live in fear in their own home and be hostage to this kind of emotional blackmail.
Oh my goodness this is an awful situation and my heart goes out to you. I felt I couldn't pass this message without comment.

I cant really give you any advice apart from my own dad was similar and although we never lived with him I eventually cut off contact when he insisted on trying to give my then infant son alcohol despite my objections as he "was my father and he knows best".

Please try and get him out as soon as possible, and I know its easy to say but try not to feel guilty, you have done your upmost to help but enoughs enough everyone should enjoy a quiet life.

Have you thought about contacting a local domestic violence helpline? They are there for anyone not just partners and can probably give you some excellent advice about what to do.

Good luck and please let keep us informed how things go

Definitely an issue which you need a solicitor to advise you on and maybe act for you, the abuse of your mother sounds like an issue for your local authority Safeguarding Vulnerable Adults Board, Action on Elder Abuse should be able to advise and assist you on the abuse, their website along with the number of their helpline is here:

I can't give any better advice than you have already received, just want you to know that you are being heard.
You have to report his violence to the police. If anything happens to your mum while under your roof you're equally culpable. Get the police involved and also social services.

Legal advice is a good idea too, but you must report that you and your mum are vulnerable adults and that you have both been subjected to verbal and physical abuse from your father.

merseyside police safeguarding policy
Thank goodness you have asked for help at last.That may have been the most difficult bit.Please take all the advice about seeking professional help. I lived with a controlling mother-in law for years,but luckily no physical abuse,but the mental anguish is altogether unbearable. It`s almost unbelievable that one immature,selfish person should control the lives of three other adults, but like all other bullies he needs to be put in his place. No doubt he will behave in a childish way when he is( just like a baby throwing his toys out of the pram) but you owe him NOTHING. Don`t feel any guilt,and don`t put it off.Start tomorrow,and good luck.Best wishes for the peaceful future you all deserve,Brenda xxxx
An enormous 'Thank You' to all of you who have very kindly taken the time to reply. Your advice and support has been invaluable and I am truly grateful for your help and suggestions which have steered me in the right direction!
As a result of the advice and various details you have offered which I was previously unaware of, we now feel in a much better position to tackle the problem appropriately and hopefully this situation will be resolved soon as a result.
Thank you all once again ~ we truly appreciated your assistance.
good luck Image