Carers Hurtful Gossip

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I honestly think you should'nt have her back in the house OP, you have enough concerns to go to her agency/the council and you and your father shouldn't be subject to any further abuse.You don't need to be collecting evidence against her you are not the Police.
Please ring up tomorrow and report her.
How are you today Faye?
Following on from AJ, could you text her and say you'll put the cash in a prominent place, a place that can easily be in view of the camera so you can record her taking it?

Many people have given their opinions, and I don't mean to downplay any of them. Getting evidence is hard work if you are at breaking point. Please look after yourself first.
I would agree with some of the other posters about a complaint going against this horrible woman. She's getting what must be an inappropriate top up to her wages and has the nerve to screech about you when on one occasion you forget this payment. Ungrateful mare! She had no business ranting to your Dad about you - I certainly would try not to be overly upset that he appeared to support what she said if you know he sometimes becomes confused and doesn't entirely know what he's saying.

Keep plugging away at it. I'm only just starting on this particular journey and I'm already finding it hard so I have every sympathy for your distress. Perhaps in some way you could let her know that you heard her tirade. Me, I would tell her about a 'friend' who is a carer and whose support worker said '...insert phrase you know she used' and isn't that terrible and of course SHE would never have cause to speak that way of your father and you, would she? Considering how you subsidise her wages and all. It would let her know you are aware of her vile behaviour and perhaps might shame her a bit.

Keep your chin up and march on.
Firstly well done on telling us, from experience I know that's the hard bit. However sadly it's going to get a bit harder. You are going to have to report the carer and suck up the fall out. It may mean taking a few days or weeks from work but I promise once it's sorted the stress will have been worth it. I didn't want to do it but did and even though we still aren't back to full service the stress literally melted away within a couple of days. I would also make sure that not only the agency the carer comes from but Social Services know she is doing this because who else is she doing it too? I bet she doesn't declare the money as income on top of what she earns either...it's a handy untaxable top up for her that needs to stop she's taking advantage! Not only that but almost all work places have a zero tolerance policy on things like this...it's abuse and bullying and it shouldn't be tolerated at all anywhere least of all when someone is vulnerable.

In the mean time there's more hugs, listening ears and whatever you need from us here to support you. Someone once told me I was incredible and amazing and a better human than most...I laughed and told them they didn't need to lie to me I know I was useless etc but then they pointed out that not everyone can be a carer, not everyone would even try and that's what makes you incredible, special, amazing and phenomenal. I can also say you will get through this and when you have next time keep repeating, I can do this, I did it before I can do it again. As I found out if you say it enough you believe it.

Looking forward to hearing how you are doing now.
So sorry to hear this it must be terribly painful. Ive hardly heard 1 good word from my Mum about me to other people my whole life and it never gets any easier.

If its not something he normally does then i would be of the opinion this isn't the first degrading opinion she's had around him fir him to feel part of the conversation in such a way.

Its easy to get whisked along in a rant when having dementia problems but to know an amount and place it in a space in time ?

I wouldn't want this person in 100ft of a family member, the fact shes asking for extra money and your Dads sentence was Money and making it up to her all under a negative atmosphere towards you. This Totaly all smacks of emotional coercion.

Your Dad probably won't agree, feel guilty ,feel.emotionally bonded and as she's tipped the seesaw in her own favour, trust gradually erodes till one day you wonder what the hell is going on.

Get back in there and reclaim your territory as that's exactly what it is. Dont ask your Dad as its in his best interest and your future together.
Get rid of her and say husbands poorly she has to look after him.
He may find someone else funny humor and interested more in making him happy than his Money.

Massive Hugs i was almost in the same boat trust and territory wise 2 months ago .
Thank you all so very much for your kind and helpful responses. I am sorry that I haven't responded sooner but things have been difficult. My father has gone back into hospital - we still don't know whether it was a heart attack or chest infection but have been told he should be discharged tomorrow (fingers crossed...).

I did take your advice and spoke to the Care Agency about issues with the carer. She simply denied everything. I also spoke to the council but as it was her word against mine they said there was nothing they could do. I asked if my father could have another carer but they said there aren't any other people available in the area (which I find hard to believe as we live in Central London but it seems impossible to push back). We were told we either had to continue to have her or my father had to go into residential home. Against this background I thought I would just leave it - I'll never see her again once my father has gone and ultimately I am more concerned about my father's happiness/well being. However I did speak to my father about my concerns (mostly around money - which has been going missing, albeit only small amounts and his concerns about carers not turning up and being a bit rough). Following the discussion he agreed to install a NEST camera (his brother has one in is house for other reasons and raved about. it). The camera doesn't cover any communal areas - just his flat (living room and bedroom, not the bathroom- for obvs privacy reasons). My father agreed to the camera (which was really important as it is his home/for privacy reasons) and we told all the carers (as per advice from the ICO and the CQC). : the idea being that we wanted the cameras to be visible, be preventative and try to raise care standards rather than catch anyone out.

To be honest we both found the cameras really helpful. My father said he felt safer (he's had over 20 carers since the summer so doesn't feel very safe about people coming and going ) and I found it reassuring. Unfortunately the charity who run where he lives have just been in touch to say they want to meet to discuss the cameras (which they say they have been told about). Although the licence agreement doesn't say he can't have them I get the feeling from the tone of their letter they are
going to say they are not allowed.

I Just despair. All we want to do is ensure that my vulnerable father is safe - that we are both protected from abusers and malicious allegations ( I have previously been accused of stealing one of his carers headscarves - as if!!!). I just don't kn wo what to do any more. I feel broken. My father is wonderful - unfortunately some of the care and health system around his broken and its really difficult to protect yourself from its harms. As a carer I feel almost dehumanising - as though anyone can do anything or say anything to or about me and we just have no support or defence. It is so depressing. All I ever wanted to do was work and look after my disabled father and we just get none stop problems and criticism.

I am sorry for having a rant and troubling you all with this. I know that many of you have it much worse- I just dont know how you survive.
Faye_1506 wrote:
Thu Nov 07, 2019 11:05 pm
Thank you all so very much for your kind and helpful responses. I am sorry that I haven't responded sooner but things have been difficult. My father has gone back into hospital - we still don't know whether it was a heart attack or chest infection but have been told he should be discharged tomorrow (fingers crossed...).

I did take your advice and spoke to the Care Agency about issues with the carer. She simply denied everything. I also spoke to the council but as it was her word against mine they said there was nothing they could do. I asked if my father could have another carer but they said there aren't any other people available in the area (which I find hard to believe as we live in Central London but it seems impossible to push back). We were told we either had to continue to have her or my father had to go into residential home. Against this background I thought I would just leave it - I'll never see her again once my father has gone and ultimately I am more concerned about my father's happiness/well being. However I did speak to my father about my concerns (mostly around money - which has been going missing, albeit only small amounts and his concerns about carers not turning up and being a bit rough). Following the discussion he agreed to install a NEST camera (his brother has one in is house for other reasons and raved about. it). The camera doesn't cover any communal areas - just his flat (living room and bedroom, not the bathroom- for obvs privacy reasons). My father agreed to the camera (which was really important as it is his home/for privacy reasons) and we told all the carers (as per advice from the ICO and the CQC). : the idea being that we wanted the cameras to be visible, be preventative and try to raise care standards rather than catch anyone out.

To be honest we both found the cameras really helpful. My father said he felt safer (he's had over 20 carers since the summer so doesn't feel very safe about people coming and going ) and I found it reassuring. Unfortunately the charity who run where he lives have just been in touch to say they want to meet to discuss the cameras (which they say they have been told about). Although the licence agreement doesn't say he can't have them I get the feeling from the tone of their letter they are
going to say they are not allowed.

I Just despair. All we want to do is ensure that my vulnerable father is safe - that we are both protected from abusers and malicious allegations ( I have previously been accused of stealing one of his carers headscarves - as if!!!). I just don't kn wo what to do any more. I feel broken. My father is wonderful - unfortunately some of the care and health system around his broken and its really difficult to protect yourself from its harms. As a carer I feel almost dehumanising - as though anyone can do anything or say anything to or about me and we just have no support or defence. It is so depressing. All I ever wanted to do was work and look after my disabled father and we just get none stop problems and criticism.

I am sorry for having a rant and troubling you all with this. I know that many of you have it much worse- I just dont know how you survive.
I still think you need to fight back. Can you move or find another care provider or not? None of this is okay. I would not let family members treat me that way either. Have you made a complaint to the care quality commission about the care provider? This is why I don't trust paid for carers frankly speaking here.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I did go to the CQC. They asked the Local Authority to look into the issues I raised. The Local Authority said as it was one persons word against another they can't act. I really do need help looking after my father- I can't do it all on my own. The Local Authority also claim there are no other providers available but I find that hard to believe (we live in London not a remote area). We partly installed the cameras as a deterrent but also so that if anything else happened we would have evidence and it wouldn't just be their word versus mine. I have to go to a meeting with the Trustees on Monday as they want us to remove the cameras.

I'm feeling pretty fed up to be honest. Being a carer is soul destroying at times....