Carers Hurtful Gossip

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Elaine wrote:
Sat Oct 12, 2019 6:43 pm
Hi Faye,
This is dreadful. How dare this woman extort money from you and you dad and who else is she demanding money from?
I understand that you feel betrayed and let down but what you should be feeling is absolutely furious. Stop crying and get mad!
What kind of sob story or lies did she tell you in the first place that you felt obliged to pay her extra?
My Mum’s care company (a good one) let their clients know that the paid carers could not accept any money gifts and even at Christmas , if we wished to give a gift, that was fine but they had to declare it to the company and it was not to be above a £5.00 value.
What this woman is doing is extortion and abuse in my view, and I don’t suppose you are the only ones.
Have you checked around dad’s house to see if anything is missing? Mum’s jewellery for example?
This so called ‘carer’, in my personal opinion, has no conscience,. no morals, is a con artist and needs to be banned from dealing with vulnerable people.
The trouble is, if you have always given her cash, you have no proof. She can deny everything.
Before reporting her, I would get some expert advice. Go to Age UK or Citizen’s Advice. Tell them what’s happening and ask what to do next. Look what she’s done to you and dad. Dreadful woman.
Get rid of her asap.
This. All of it.
Hi Faye
I hope your visit to your dad has gone okay this evening. I've read loads of your posts on the forum about what you are going through with your dad and just how much you are doing for him. I agree with what other people have said about this being financial abuse - £40 a week is more than a token and I doubt she is declaring it and paying tax... You are doing such an amazing job, and it is terrible that those people who are criticizing you fail to realise that. I hope that you manage to get over the hurt of this. I think the fact you're dad is very upset to miss your visit tells you more about how he really feels about you than anything else.
Jane
Rest up. Get some sleep and be kind to yourself. Rebuild your strength. xxx
Faye, this is awful! I feel terrible for you, my mother experienced something very similar with her father as he was very easily "lead" into joining in bitching about other members of the family.

But others are right - as much as it hurts - you should be mad about this, but don't act immediately.

Take the next few days to prepare and get strong. Be smart. Don't tell your father what you plan to do, or what you know, because it sounds like she will manipulate him into revealing everything before you've had chance to act.

Gather evidence. As much as you can of giving her money in any way you can, because she could easily deny it and it sounds like she's a skilled manipulator.

If you have any text messages mentioning it, screen shot them ASAP and email copies of the screenshots to yourself.

If you haven't got any text evidence - get some.

Text her next week and mention the £40, ask her if she'd be willing to accept a cheque "this week" as you've not had time to get to the bank or if she'd accept double next week instead, something along those lines.

You need to have proof of her accepting the money off the books, and it being a long term thing, especially working in cash.

If you can afford it, buy a tiny camera or voice recorder (there are some great ones on Amazon that will be delivered within a day) and use it to get a recording of her accepting the money or talking about it. It's perfectly legal to make those kinds of recordings in these instances.

Here's an idea:

Get a voice recorder (my advice is also double up on recorders just in case one fails, as you may not get a second chance - a phone app will work well as a secondary back up) or a camera....

DO NOT leave the money for her. Instead, let her call you or text you about it.

Better yet, go around to see your dad when she's there. Start a conversation about the money, and state that you need her to start signing for the money each week to ensure every cent of your father's money is accounted for. Her reaction to that suggestion will likely give you everything you need to prove what she's been up to for all this time.

Try to get her to confirm how long she's been given this money, how much she was given at Christmas, etc etc. Get her admitting to as much of it as you possibly can without her smelling a rat.

Email yourself an account of what's happened recently (a "timeline of events") get things straight in your head and down on paper. Attach any copies of any information/evidence you have to that email and keep adding to it with any evidence you can gather from now on, this will help validate any claim you make as the email will be dated.

If you don't know her home address, find out as soon as possible. In my experience she could vanish off the face of the planet once action is taken.

You should also report her to HMRC for taking cash in hand work, as she is obviously not declaring it as income. If she's doing this to your father, she's doing it to a dozen other people and making a killing doing it. She is paid minimum wage at least by her employer, has to be by law. There's no reason for her taking more money from your father. She is a vile con artist by the sounds of it, and rug needs to be pulled out from under her because she chances are she's bleeding other people dry, people who probably don't have a relative to cotton on to what she's doing.

Gathering evidence is key.

Then once you have something solid, or as much as you can get to prove she's been taking this money long term - go to her boss. Go to the CQC. Go to the police too. Go as far as you can with it because people like her are unscrupulous scumbags, preying on the vulnerable!

Check your father's belongings too, and make sure nothing is missing that she could have taken. If there is something missing, again, get evidence of questioning her about where it may have gone.

What would have set alarm bells ringing for me in the first place was where you said she claimed her husband is very well off. If that's the case, why on earth would she be wanting extra money or trying to obtain it from you in any way if money wasn't an issue? Says to me it's all a nonsense story concocted to gain confidence, in the way every con artist does. "Oh she's not robbing me blind, she wouldn't do that, she doesn't need the money." She's a classic trickster move and something needs to be done to make sure she can't get away with this for any longer.

Good luck and stay strong.

If you need any advice on tactics, you're welcome to PM me. I have a great deal of experience with my older/vulnerable family members being ripped off by all kinds of people over the years, and have learned some tips and tricks on how to handle situations like this which might be useful to you.
I may be wrong, but maybe the police can access the call where talk of money as well as the dreadful call can be tracked? AJ, any thoughts?
https://www.cqc.org.uk/contact-us/repor ... ber-public

This carer needs to go immediately. Speak with Citizens Advice -find out your rights and the best way forward. It would be good if someone you trust could go with you.

You don't know if there have been other previous complaints.

Even though you Dad agreed with some of what she said. I'm not sure given his possible vulnerability he had much of a choice.

Sounds to me he was coerced in to agreeing to stop her carrying on or to get rid of her.
Document everything. Use a notebook for this. Keep a trail or record of further communications etc. Screenshot everything and either email yourself or make photocopies secretly. Use that to prove thst she should be fired and investigated. Take notes for evidence. I hate despicable idiots like that. Vile people like that should be punished severely.

Do not leave her any more cash. Hide all your money from her in the bank. Why should she have that money? She is a paid carer, right? Stop letting her do this to you. This is a financial crime and needs to be investigated by the police.
Blackmail and financial abuse of the elderly... if agency carers income is seriously that bad (low enough to be on benefits) that is a whole new thing altogether because we're talking about potentially £1000's acquired over a period of time which we both know they are unlikely to have declared for tax purposes

Being struck off would be a slap on the wrist, that carer faces prison if the evidence is strong enough.
Its the sort of thing you expect to see in the news. Irrespective of your father's finances, its the principle of the matter.

There are no words for the horrible personal remarks made towards you... other than, you know how when people are miserable with their own lot, they project their own negativity onto others..

I feel pity for that individual in the sense that they could be so utterly venomous, hateful and full of bile towards somebody they barely know outside of work interactions, they must live a very sad life to be so shallow, childish and devoid of empathy for others in a role which is about taking care of people (both the cared for person, and near family)

Be kind to yourself. I'm not much of a hugger but in your case I will make an exception.

And I hope that unpleasant "thing" (for lack of a better word) gets the book thrown at her.

Best wishes
Pet66 wrote:
Sat Oct 12, 2019 8:58 pm
I may be wrong, but maybe the police can access the call where talk of money as well as the dreadful call can be tracked? AJ, any thoughts?
As far as I'm aware, they can't access actual recordings of telephone calls that happened prior to police involvement, simply because once a call is ended that's it. Call the calls we make aren't (yet at least haha!) being recorded and stored in a big database, so police can't hear past calls or new ones without some kind of warrant being put into place.

They can however access call records to prove that a call occurred, and text messages too. So logging the time and date when the call was overheard is essential, and taking a screen shot of the call on the call list or an itemized telephone bill would go a little way to prove things were overheard.

(Again, Faye - strongly advise sending an email to yourself and someone you trust stating the times and dates, this occurred to with screen captures attached to validate your side of things)

Police could probably use the GPS on the carer's phone (if she has one) that would prove she was at Faye's father's during the time of the call too. Which would obviously go a long way to prove Faye's telling the truth if the carer chose to lie.

The priority would be to get evidence of her accepting the money, because for as vile and hurtful as the things she said were, unfortunately it's not illegal to say nasty stuff about someone in a private conversation. The police wouldn't get involved with proving what was said about Faye, they would however get involved if it could be proven that the carer was extorting Faye's father.

Proving the overheard call happened on Friday and triggered the cause for concern around the payments would support Faye's case against the carer, but it wouldn't be strong enough alone, if there's nothing to prove she's been accepting money.

There really needs to be as much solid evidence as possible showing the carer acknowledging ongoing receipt of the money. Text messages, recordings, anything would go a long way to prove she has been extorting Faye's father and give the police grounds to take action against her. Which, by the sounds of it, would be long overdue and well deserved!
Faye, I hope you managed to get some rest last night, and feel a little better having read our messages to you.