Carers Hurtful Gossip

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I'm sorry to bother you with this but I know that you all have lots more experience than me so may know what to do/how to handle the situation. I think I am just exhausted and too emotional to think straight.

Yesterday for the first time in over 20 years I forgot to leave £40 in the morning for my fathers carer. It was completely my fault (I had a lot on and simply forgot) . I give the carer the money each week as she says the Council do not pay enough. She works two hours a day four days a week so its not a lot:more a token of our appreciation. Her husband is very well off so she doesn't need the money but obviously that isn't the point . I made a mistake - I said I would leave her something and should have done. Completely my fault. I have now left the money for her to pick up when she is back on Monday.

Unfortunately my father didn't put the phone down properly after they had called me. For over an hour I could hear her fury. She told my father I was stupid, everyone hates me, no one likes me (said all horrid things that the other carers and neighbours have said) , that Im not married because I am ugly and unloveable , that I can't have children as a punishment from God, that I am barren - it went on and on. My father didn't say anything much at first (for about half an hour it was all her ) but then started to join in - he said he knew I wasn't loved , that I was difficult(easily upset and stubborn) but I was his daughter. He also said he was concerned that I had money worries ( I am broke- all my savings have gone on visiting my father in hospital, paying for additional care and legal support for him). Worryingly he then told her that he thought that since he had been out of hospital I had spent £1k of his money on me. She exploded. Fortunately all the money in his account is itemised in bank statements so it is easy to prove that it has been spent since June on his food, bills, transport etc. He has given consent to everything that has been spent but I think has simply forgotten /doesn't appreciate the value of money now/ how much a weekly shop costs or the extent of telephone/electricity bills etc. I'm not very worried by this (easy to prove everything is as it should be) - more concerned that he thought I would do something like that to him?

I was left devastated by the call. I should have simply put the phone down but didn't. The carer later texted me to say that she will be off on Tuesday - she put all kisses and friendly emoji on her message. I didn't say anything and just thanked her for letting me know. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter what she thinks of me, once my father has gone I will never see her again ( she didn't come to see him once when he was in hospital for nearly six months) but I was so hurt by my father's reaction. I know he is very ill and I do love him - we all make mistakes so obviouslyI will forgive him ( I am sure he can't even remember what was said and may just have joined in to keep her happy. To placate her he said he would give her £500 at Christmas - last year he gave her £300 : I just got a card! - not that it really matters and I understand they have a different relationship but it does hurt. Unfortunately I just can't stop crying about it. I feel like such a fool. I visit him every day , clean his flat, sleep on his floor when he isn't well, take him to appointments, toilet him, buy his food, sort his meds, take him out etc...My life is on hold. I don't expect thanks. I do it because I love him, it is my choice, but this has left me hurt. I feel such a fool.

I feel I can't do anything right - everyone keeps criticising me. I assume the carers are unhappy as I complain if they don't turn up/ are very late/don't do what the care plan says - but he needs help, he's not safe without support and I can't keep filling the gaps. The social worker is unhappy with me as he thinks I should be doing more or he should be in a residential home. The hospital think I should accompany my father to more appointments. Work think I send too much time caring for my dad. Friends and family have disappeared. It's so lonely and been just an awful year.

I didn't go to see my father last night or today (first time since December ) as I can't stop crying - but I know I need to go tonight (his medication needs sorting and I need to buy him milk, bread etc). I need to get over this as he is terminally ill and I will regret not going if anything happens to him. I do love him. I'm just very hurt. I don't know how to stop crying and what , if anything , to say to him? He thinks I am in work - he's very upset that Im not with him but says he understands. What would you do? Any tips on how to pull myself together? Thank you.
oh Faye,

no wonder you are so upset. You do your very best for your father and he is lucky to have such a caring daughter and then this happens.

The paid carer is in the wrong. If she is not happy with her wages - then it is up to her to ask her employers for a rise (unlikely she'll get one,) or seek a new job. It is not right that you or your father are topping up her wages!! If your father insists on doing this - then it needs to come out of his money.

She was probably so angry as she knows she is on to a very good thing - getting this top up, that it is wrong, (probably against her contract,) and she is worried about being found out and the money discontinuing.

I wouldn't take too much notice of your Dad joining in after he had listened to the paid carer tirade for half an hour - his first words were, "she's my daughter," and he clearly loves you and wouldn't be without you.

It's easy to say in retrospect, but if someone ever doesn't put the phone down properly, switch yours off anyway.

What the paid carer thinks of you was all said in anger and is just that, what SHE thinks. Do not assume everyone else thinks the same. Heavens above - there are a lot of unmarried women out their without children - they aren't all ugly and barren (well I hope not! I'm one of them!) Perhaps she is in an unhappy marriage and jealous of how she perceives your life is.

Go round and see your Dad and tell him the whole thing.

Melly1
Faye, I'm sending you huge (((HUGS))) as you need and absolutely deserve them.
This carer is financially abusing you and dad if she is accepting such huge gifts, which should not be accepted, I'm sure her agency has strict rules about this.
You have now seen, or rather heard, this woman in her true light.

Dad is very ill and may not have felt able to defend you, and may have been frightened.

Are you having any counselling? If not, you certainly need it, because this sounds like the last straw that broke the camel's back. However much you WANT dad to die in peace in his own home, is that really possible???

You have soldiered on supporting dad for so long, it's now TOO long.
Hello Faye, I'm new to the forum. So sorry that you had to hear all of that and from a person who cares professionally.

My first thought was, the carer doesn't need the money. My second thought was, all those things you do for your Dad, what does the carer do? A token of your appreciation is £40 in her Christmas card. She is paid to be a carer, as Melly1 said, she can negotiate a rise with her employer. Or leave. Seems to me she is entirely in the wrong job.

What do you need? You sound distraught. What do you need right now, what would help you support your Dad? I have spent lots of time reading many postings on here, there is so much information I have found that is very helpful.

Could you withdraw all support formally with social services, they will then have to meet your Dad's needs? Can you find an alternative carer to help you? I really dislike confrontation, I know how difficult it might be to face her and sack her, although that would be my initial reaction.

It is difficult to see clearly when so overwhelmed, knowing what is the right thing to do and agonising over it. I've been there, still there really. Can you take some time to sit down and think about what your own immediate needs are? It might give a bit of clarity? I write stuff down sometimes, gets it out of my head where I can see it. The harder thing is initiating something new and sticking to it. I have recently done something along these lines, I don't know how it will pan out, but I got to the point of, enough is enough and I had to act.
The carer needs to be finished, reported and struck off.
Please ring her employer either now or first thing on Monday morning and tell her supervisor everything you have said here. The Council need to send someone else and your Dad shouldn't be giving any top ups. Tell the supervisor shes not allowed back never mind what your Dad wants shes is financially abusing him. Carers know they are not to accept gifts, its in their training.
I'd talk to your dad as well about getting a new carer. I'd also report her to Adult Safeguarding for your area and tell them what happened.I'm sorry this has happened to you and your Dad, you need to ensure she doesn't do it to anyone else as well.
Hugs and ditto what has been said by Melly and BB.

I really think you can't take all of this abuse any longer, coming from all directions. It is just too much. Please consider your own health and wellbeing and ask that your dear father move to a care/nursing home, or hospice. You could visit him, buy him whatever you think he'd like but you wouldn't feel obliged to spend all your time looking after him.

You have bent over backwards caring for your father and fought so many battles. I think youve been through enough. Step back, take the pressure off and visit your dad as opposed to doing all the thankless donkey work.

If you can in your area, start the self-referral process for counselling soon. It can take a long time to get your first session.
Joining BB with a massive (( HUG)) to you.
I don't think that carer should be expecting extra money, and I would think its again policy. It needs paying back. Have you had receipts for this money you have been paying? How many other people is she conning? I doubt you feel up to this but it really needs reporting. She had no right either to verbally abuse you to your dad, poor man, he must have gone into shock. That certainly isn't allowing him to have some peace.
Please try to get some counselling, and some advice.
I've heard some awful things, but your post has hurt me so much for you. Never apologise for using the forum.

Post bumped with everyone else, and we are all of the same mindset
PS: A real cheap shot coming from that carer, nasty woman. And highly manipulative, hurtful.
Hi Faye,
This is dreadful. How dare this woman extort money from you and you dad and who else is she demanding money from?
I understand that you feel betrayed and let down but what you should be feeling is absolutely furious. Stop crying and get mad!
What kind of sob story or lies did she tell you in the first place that you felt obliged to pay her extra?
My Mum’s care company (a good one) let their clients know that the paid carers could not accept any money gifts and even at Christmas , if we wished to give a gift, that was fine but they had to declare it to the company and it was not to be above a £5.00 value.
What this woman is doing is extortion and abuse in my view, and I don’t suppose you are the only ones.
Have you checked around dad’s house to see if anything is missing? Mum’s jewellery for example?
This so called ‘carer’, in my personal opinion, has no conscience,. no morals, is a con artist and needs to be banned from dealing with vulnerable people.
The trouble is, if you have always given her cash, you have no proof. She can deny everything.
Before reporting her, I would get some expert advice. Go to Age UK or Citizen’s Advice. Tell them what’s happening and ask what to do next. Look what she’s done to you and dad. Dreadful woman.
Get rid of her asap.
I think a covert camera needs to be installed asap.

Talk to the Care Quality Commission, you don't know if there have been other complaints about this woman and this agency. They will know, and give good advice.