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Carer mum threatening suicide - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Carer mum threatening suicide

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Wow, thank you all for your amazing show of support and advice. My mum and I are very overwhelmed - thank you; nice to know there are some empathetic people out there, because the rest of our family aren't! :)
bowlingbun wrote: Karen,

NO ONE can be forced to care. You and your mum can REFUSE to do anything whatsoever for him.

HE CANNOT COME HOME FROM RESPITE.

Social Services should do an URGENT Carers Assessment for mum, and give her a copy of it. She needs to enrol the help of her GP too. I'd suggest that if at all possible, you go with her too. Maybe mum should have a psychiatric assessment to show that her mental health is in tatters.

Meanwhile, you need to write down everything possible about what has happened. One of the advantages of doing a degree is that this sort of thing should be relatively easy!
Write to the Complaints Department at the HQ of Social Services, NOT the local office.
Find out the name of the social worker who said that dad had to come home. Complain about her to the Director of Social Services. They have a "duty of care" towards vulnerable adults, and there are TWO here, dad AND MUM.
Look the social worker up on the HCPC webiste to see if she is qualified. If so, complain to them about her behaviour too.
Then tell mum to change the locks, and keep the house locked, so that it is physically impossible for him to come home. I know that sounds drastic, but when SSD were going to send my mum home from hospital, bed bound with no one else living in the house, I too had to take drastic action. It's just horrible to go through.
Hi there, thank you so much for your comprehensive reply! This was what I needed to hear! I am going to call and refuse on my mum's behalf, because she is an emotional wreck who cannot bear the thought of a phone call.

If we refuse, do you think they'll at least keep him in there whilst we sort things out? Long term my mum is thinking of selling the house, separating from my dad, and moving away with her share.

We also had a much nicer social worker who saw my mum previous to this one who has made this assessment. The first worker was of the opinion that my mum and dad needed to be separated imminently, and that he could not come home. She also didn't think increased care packages at home were good enough as it would cause distress for my mum. She is on holiday until 1st May, so I can't speak to her for a couple of weeks. Do you think we can easily hold off until then?
Elizabeth_1602123 wrote: Your Mum needs to see a solicitor even though she will have to pay for assistance.
I know for a fact Social Services have emergency care beds,She needs to refuse to have him home from respite and say that she's putting the house on the market, getting a divorce etc and hes not her concern anymore. The house can be sold the equity split in half and Social Services can sort out the care costs. When his money runs out the state will start paying.His debts can also come out of the equity
As your Mum is working she will be able to privately rent. It will be able to be sorted out but she will have to be very firm and not get bullied into having him back.
Hi Elizabeth, thanks for your message. I don't think my mum has enough money to seek legal counsel (she's up to her eyes in debt and earns very little for what she does), but she does actually work in law so she knows enough about it when she's in the right frame of mind. Long term she thinks divorcing and selling the house would be best. Do you happen to know if, should my mum divorce him, she'd be liable for his debts? They are in his name and it stands to reason to me that she wouldn't be responsible.

Thank you :)
Pet66 wrote: I understand its very scary and worrying. There is something called judicial separation, for someone who doesn't want to remain with a partner suffering with dementia. Legal advice is definitely needed. You both deserve and are entitled to peace, especially as the relationships have not been anywhere near happy or even bearable. Dementia declines, sadly, and it takes strong love to remain.
Thank you Pet :) I've looked into judicial separation; definitely looks like a better option than a straight-up divorce right now. Thanks for your support.
Stephen_16071 wrote: How long would Dad last at home without any help from yourself or your wonderful Mum?

Let Social Services know that neither of you are willing to lift a finger to help him, they are sending him home on his own and if anything happens, they are responsible. If at this point they try to put together a carers package to get him home, lets see how long the carers tolerate his abuse.

It sounds like you two brave Women have put up with a lot and now it's time to wipe your hands of the monster responsible for creating your own mental problems and driving Mum to near on suicide...
Hi Stephen, thanks for your kind words and very helpful message. It's good to hear that refusing is not only an option but one that many people seem to be advising, so it seems like we may get somewhere with it. Thank you :)
If "mum works in law" but is not "in the right frame of mind" then that speaks volumes for her current mental state.

Under these circumstances, I'm sure that she probably knows the right people who can help. Is there anyone she knows who could vouch for the stress she is under and how it's affecting her, for example?

Home should always be where you can happily chill out and do nothing. (I'm sure this is why my grandson likes my place!)

The goal for you and mum is for mum to stay where she is and for dad to be accommodated somewhere else, where his NEEDS are met.
Hi There, Stepchange and the CAB will be able to tell you about whos liable for the debts if your Mum and Dad got divorced. I'm not a solicitor so I don't want to give you the wrong advise. Also has your Mum considered ringing Womens Aid for advice?

Also if your Mum works in law is there someone at work who could offer her some free advise? If shes well liked some employers will bend over backwards to help their staff. Otherwise I think she should try the CAB. Its quite complicated all this and your Mum needs someone who's qualified to advise her properly.
I just wanted to thank our moderator Melly1 and all other members who posted such supportive messages to Karen_190412 over the long weekend when Carers UK staff were unavailable. This was really appreciated and was another great example of the Forum being such a supportive community of carers and former carers.

We have also sent a private message to Karen_190412 with some further suggestions.

Michael