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Carers UK Forum • cant attend a funeral for a dear dear friend
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cant attend a funeral for a dear dear friend

Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 3:03 am
by Guest
Who passed away last Thursday.
Its on xmas eve, 20 miles away, I cant drive, cant afford a taxi, and, I cant leave my caree.
Her family want me to attend as the lady loved me, as I loved the lady.
I said a prayer for her and lit a candle at Mass , and ordered a lovely wreath to be delivered.
But,
I feel so guilty,
I couldnt visit her when she was alive, and I cant go to say goodbye to her, we kept in touch by letter and phone though . Its all I could do.
What excuse can I give to her family for not being able to attend?
Even if I tried to arrange some sort of cover, it all depends on the day how my caree is, that determines how the day progresses. And, how my elderly mother is as I have to to fit in visiting her too, and then go to work in the evening....no holidays left, took them all for caring commitments.
God Bless and care for anyone else in a similar situation,
May you all stay strong and positive .
x

Mairie, I'm sorry to hear

Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 4:35 am
by charles47
Mairie, I'm sorry to hear you can't get to your friend's funeral. Due to caring commitments I've had to miss weddings and my grandfather's funeral. I don't think anyone who hasn't been affected by caring can fully understand but I'm sure your friend does.

Last year, my very best

Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 11:12 am
by Lazydaisy
Last year, my very best friend lost her Mum at Christmas. My son had an urgent appointment, as his heart had developed a problem, so I couldn't make the funeral. To compound my guilt, my friends husband was then rushed into hospital the night before the funeral with a suspected heart attack.

My friend pointed out that I was a wonderful friend, always had been, and her Mum would want me to go to the hospital with my son, to get a diagnosis. I still feel awful for not going, but on special, occasions like Mothering Sunday, I took my friend a bunch of flowers or bottle of wine, with love, and she appreciated the thought very much(I remembered how I had felt when my Mum died).


My cousin couldn't attend when my Mum died, as she was away on holiday, and couldn't get back, but she sat in a remembrance garden in the town in France where she was, and her husband took their two small children off for the day. She wrote a lovely letter of remembrance for us, and it was all from the heart. I knew her love was with us.

Caring people will respect you, and I am sure your friend would have realised why you could not attend. Please don't feel guilty;you cannot be in two places at once.Write a nice letter, and explain your caring role,just say that you know that they will understand.

Love and (((((hugs)))))

Mairie, I am in the

Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 11:12 am
by Bluebird
Mairie, I am in the same situation. A neighbour whom I have known for 40 years passed away last Tuesday and the funeral is on the 30th. I do not have any family living near - the closest is 70 miles away and my sitter that I normally have is a way on holiday so I don't get my care package from 23rd December until 2nd January. I feel so bad that I cannot attend the funeral and like you say, I couldn't support his wife before either. I hope they know that we will be thinking of them. As Charles says, there are many funerals, weddings etc that we have to say no to attending.
Take care
Bluebird x

When my brother in law

Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 6:51 pm
by poppett
When my brother in law died in September his wife was too ill to leave hospital to attend the cremation. We went on the day of the service and took her to the hospital chapel and she said her prayers and we had a few quiet moments. After she was back on the ward we went to meet the undertaker at the cemetry to place the wreaths on his parents grave, took photos and went back to describe the floral tributes and the service (having quizzed the undertaked).

It`s amazing how many (family members) spoke in sharp terms about us not being at the crematorium, but how could they not include the most important person in the departed`s life in at least part of the ceremony. We felt we had done our best, and know the widow appreciated what we did for her.

We have also missed funerals when my OH was in hospital and have had a wee prayer in hospital grounds or lit a candle at home, as we do on their anniversaries.

The person gone is in your heart and mind.

The people who know you well, know your situation, the ones who don`t know you, don`t matter.

Take care
Meg

You don't need to go

Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 7:29 pm
by lowrider
You don't need to go to her funeral to show your respects.
I feel sure she hears your prayers and knows what is in your heart.
As do all our loved ones.

You don't need to go

Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 8:50 pm
by Sarniajoy
You don't need to go to her funeral to show your respects.
I feel sure she hears your prayers and knows what is in your heart.
As do all our loved ones.
She is dead so unlikely to hear anyone's prayers!

Funerals are for the living, not for the dead as they are out of their pain and distress. If her relatives are reasonable people they will realise your circumstances mairie and not expect you to attend.

You don't need to go

Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 11:03 pm
by lowrider
You don't need to go to her funeral to show your respects.
I feel sure she hears your prayers and knows what is in your heart.
As do all our loved ones.
She is dead so unlikely to hear anyone's prayers!

Funerals are for the living, not for the dead as they are out of their pain and distress. If her relatives are reasonable people they will realise your circumstances mairie and not expect you to attend.
Not wanting to hijack the thread but thats your belief.
Not everyones and prayers were cited in the first post

Thank you so much everyone

Posted: Tue Dec 23, 2008 2:19 am
by Guest
Thank you so much everyone for your replies.
I have written a letter explaining why I cant attend due to caring commitments for my daughter and my elderly mother, and hope they will understand.
A very Happy and Peaceful Christmas to you all.
x