Does anyone find other relatives bury there head in sand?

[Sarah _1607]

You've probably read my posts..I'm a carer for my gran.
My Aunty (her daughter) lives in Australia.
She's started ringing when I'm not in ..probably so she doesn't have to listen to me tell her the reality of how things are or that I'm not doing well ..she would rather ring when I'm not here and talk to my gran.
Almost like she's burying her head in the sand so to speak ..
Like my uncle he never asks how she is or anything ..
Any other carers find other family members do that too?

[bowlingbun]

Yes, I had two brothers who seldom called by phone, visited even less. One kept saying he'd visit, then made feeble excuses like "The kids have colds and I don't want you to catch them". You wouldn't believe how many colds those kids have. He once took them on Concorde to the Caribbean, and told mum it was better for the children because the flight was shorter!!!! Mum wouldn't hear my comments. Towards the end of her life, I said to mum that really, everything was down to her and me. She changed her will and reduced the proportion my brothers were to inherit. Karma.

[jenny lucas]

Sarah, there's no point battling with your aunt. She will NEVER HELP YOU.

You have to accept that. I know it's cruel, and harsh and horrible. It's horrible to think that your mum's own sister could be so horrible, but she is.

She doesn't think she is, of course not (nasty selfish people never think ill of themselves!), but of course she is. She's sacrificed YOU to make life easy for HER.

In your other thread you said your own mother would never want this miserable life for you, and you are RIGHT. No mother would (no good mother - sadly, not all mums are good - there's a post elsewhere about another member here who is my age - sixties - and who is being 'drained like a vampire' by a toxic mother who is leeching off her in her own home).

I know I've said this to you before, but NO ONE WILL RESCUE you - only yourself. Your father is a disgrace to my mind - he should have stormed in and physically carried you off, locked you in a room, then got social services to put your poor nan in a care home and THAT IS THAT.

As for your aunt, well, let us hope and pray, as BB says, that karma will come and bite her where it HURTS, so that she has as much misery in her life as you have had. She deserves it!

I do fear you know that you are locking yourself into some kind of 'fairy tale' where your ghastly aunt will 'see the light' and come 'rushing to the rescue' and make 'everything OK' for you.

But it won't happen. PLEASE give up on it.

Please, let your nan now be cared for by professionals, while you take up your long-deferred own life, and then spent 'lovely time' with your nan, visiting her and cosseting her and being the grand-daughter she has loved, but NOT keeping you from the life you SHOULD have. Please please accept that the way your nan SHOULD love you now is by SETTING YOU FREE.

I can't say different from that. Only you can do this, Sarah. Only you.

No amount of love for your nan, rage against your benighted aunt, disappointment in your father, can change that. Only YOU can save yourself now.

Please please just do so.

Kindest wishes, Jenny

[Sarah _1607]

I think up until a few months actually weeks I thought she cared about me and would see what it was doing to me and help me but I know in my heart of hearts it won't happen.
I intend to stick to my April deadline and I won't back down this time.
I'm going to start looking after myself because nobody else will.
I think I thought my Aunty loved my mum(she was her only sister) that she wouldn't want her sisters daughter to be so unhappy but clearly not the case.
She has a son my age (married,kids,doctor)
And she wouldn't want him to live my life ...actually 3 years ago when he visited she took me to one side and said
"Tell John you have a job and are working"
As if being a carer isn't a job to be proud of ...
Felt like saying if I wasn't looking afre your mother (like you should be ) I would still be working at the airport ..I quit a job I loved!
Anyway ..onwards and upwards
Feeling ok health wise today ..started taking multi vitamins /magnesium/evening primrose oil ..even want for a jog at 6am
Trying to get my body in a healthy condition once again..

[Sarah _1607]

My grans favourite thing to say is ...
"My daughter can't waste her life looking after me,she's got a life to lead,she's a married woman"
So il say ..."but it's ok for mine to be wasted"
To which she says
"What life do you have? Your not married,you've got no life"
That hurts

[bowlingbun]

What you should say is that you are giving up caring so you can have a life of your own as they have always done.

[susieq]

M
To which she says
"What life do you have? Your not married,you've got no life"

Answer ?

"That's because I've given up my life to looking after you Gran"

[jenny lucas]

Precisely, Susie.

Sarah, if your nan says that to you, I'm afraid she's lost any last shred of sympathy I had for her. I class her now as bad as your horrible aunt.

It really doesn't matter any more how much your nan looked after you when your mother died, or what she might have done for you then.

To be SO SELFISH as to sacrifice her own grand-daughter to herself, as she is doing, and then to SNEER at you for not having 'anything better' to do with your life than be her slave, well, sorry, that is despicable.

PLEASE keep to your April deadline for no longer being responsible for your nana's care any longer.

What are your plans for April?

[Sarah _1607]

I'm going to start looking and applying for jobs ..which I know isn't going to be easy when I have gaps in my cv..I'm sure they will want a explanation.
Going to have a couple of fun days with a friend ,go shopping /spa then try and sort my life out I guess.

[Pennie]

Sarah, I think you could do with some moral support/back up available for when your aunty finally arrives from Australia.

What about printing off all your threads, folding them neatly into an envelope and leaving it addressed to your aunt propped up on Gran's mantelpiece?!? Printed words often have more "clout" than anything verbal - and your aunt (perhaps) may come to realise the actuality of your situation.