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Can people with dementia live alone at home? - Page 7 - Carers UK Forum

Can people with dementia live alone at home?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
119 posts
I wasn't implying Simon was personally calling anyone a granny dumper!
I understand there are callous relatives and others at the end of there tether and have reasons for their decision.
It's still a very harsh thing to write especially as most of the visitors feel, every time they leave their loved one in the home, that they are abandoning. I certainly do.
Im aware that staff have opinions of relatives ,good and bad. After all, I have opinions of them!
I was venting, and didnt actually disagree.
Jenny - Simon said 'I live and work as a professional where what we call 'granny dumping' is not uncommon.' So I think it's quite clear that he included himself.

Luckily, I do not have to care for someone with dementia so this is not a sensitive topic for me, but I have to say that I agree that I feel it is unfair to call it 'granny dumping'. Until we've walked in someone else's shoes how can we judge. The professionals that Simon works with have no idea of the home situation of these families. And as someone else pointed out, how many times do we hear of 'unsafe discharges' etc where the professionals 'dump' family members out of hospital without due preparation and care?
Hello Simon,

You and your sister sound like very caring siblings but, as you can see from some of the replies, I think that your choice of words is, to say the least, unfortunate ! To suggest, even lightly, that relatives are "Granny Dumping" when they move a parent into residential care is insensitive when you don't know the circumstances behind the decision.

It really is great that your Mum is managing to still live independently - all power to her :) Regrettably this isn't the case for a lot of our elders with dementia; my own Mother became a danger to herself and others - heating an electric kettle on a gas hob; turning a gas fire on without lighting it; nearly blinding herself when she tried to make a cup of tea using a cigarette lighter as a teaspoon (the lighter blew up) - and that was apart from the usual things like leaving the house without her keys and then not being able to tell anyone where she lived.

It got to the stage where I locked up my own home, packed a bag and my cat and moved in with her. I basically cared for Mum on my own with minimal input from other family and although I could cope with all the physical side of caring; the incontinence; the leg ulcers; the not wanting to wash; cajoling her to take her medication; the hallucinations and 'fancies' etc it was the emotional side of watching my lovely Mum, my best friend slowly disappear before my eyes and morph into someone who didn't know me, my sister or her grandchildren and great-children that was just too much to cope with and I, like many others before me, took the very hard decision to move Mum into a residential home where she could be looked after 24/7 by caring staff - leaving me able to resume our Mother/Daughter relationship. It broke my heart making that decision and I can categorically tell you it wasn't done lightly; she died six months after moving into the home and it still breaks my heart to this day that I wasn't able to keep her in her own home.
I think that it is important to point out that Simon said the term "granny dumping" was used to describe people leaving relative at an acute hospital not residential/nursing home.


Violet
My apologies for any offence's caused. I was of course referring to the reality that some people face and not blaming. Perhaps forums are not the best place to express our experiences.

BUT I share the same feelings, emotions and personal sacrifices we make about our parents.

I had not thought out what it is I was trying to say, clearly I accept all the comments and can only say I did not intend it to come over the way it did. I have removed the entry.

I will continue to look after Mum on my own mostly, and clearly seek help and support elsewhere.

Simon
Simon - I don't think there is any need to leave the forum, it is a great place to vent, find support and advice. It was just that your post came across the wrong way, unintentionally I am sure.
I am personally alone in this journey. I think because I see it and witness it everyday I can cope. The truth is that I can't. Yes I do what I have to, I hold down a full time job and commute 96 miles a day. I cry in bed at night and I cry in the car on my way to work and on my way home.

I had to fight of my brother and prevent him from taking mum's estate from under her nose, and everyone that said they would visit stopped 12 months ago the day of dad's funeral.

I have in that time dealt with idiot GP's, Nurses and CMHT Psychiatrists, idiot relatives and yes 'do gooders' who just don't have a clue.

People make assumptions without asking you and there are times when my emotions get so overloaded I could happily slap the next idiot I meet.

Then you get the idiot relatives who don't help but are happy to give their predictions on how long they think Mum will last, and then you get the nosey ones who visit once every 6 months and make comments behind your back.

Two weeks ago I had worked a 12 hour night shift and commuted home to find mum had fallen in the night (her first fall).....I then spent the next 12 and half hours in the A&E and AMU at the local hospital, on my own and no one helped...more importantly...no one could be bothered to help!! I went to my next night shift with no sleep and after another 47 mile commute.

Its fine, I can cope with a lot of it to a point. But what I really can't cope with is some of the immoral and unethical crap people come out with regardless of who they are!!
Simon
Welcome to the forum!
I can see that life is dealing you a cruel blow. Have you expressed your feelings to the family? Do they know how heartbroken you are?
I'm fortunate my family are close. Hubby's so called friends have disappeared. Not one have so much as phoned, or dropped a note through the door to ask what's happened. As he felt these mates were great it certainly annoys me. Maybe in his start of dementia,unbeknown to us, he became offensive and suspicious of them. Who knows. It's too late for me to bother about that now. May not be too late for you?
You sound exhausted. I'm not sure what to say? Maybe see your own GP for your own healths sake?
Yes......I haven't been able to describe how I feel......but yes I am heartbroken......and when you wrote that I just had to go outside in the garden and sob for 10 mins. Its really important that mum doesn't see this side of me because then she will get upset.
Simon
Have you thought of going to the Alzheimer's society as Susieq has suggested to others on the forum. Or do you live in an area where admiral nurses are provided. I was able to go to the latter and the nurse helped me greatly. Obviously I'm still heartbroken ( my lovely husband of nearly 49 yrs, changing before my eyes). I needed someone to help me cope. I have some days I cope more than others. Everyone does, whatever the circumstances.The forum has also been a lifesaver. Helped me with the dreaded guilt monster. Someone will help you with the emotions if you seek it out
((( Hugs)))
119 posts