Bullying Carer, Help Needed!!

[david robinson]

My mother's carer is a bully, and worst still he's her son and my brother, he took the role on about ten years ago as a way to get the DSS to stop harassing him about finding work, his idea of caring is to call round in the evening to raid my mums fridge and take control of the TV, other family members have tried to apply for the carers job but unbelievably unless my brother agrees to this on a form he is sent there is nothing we can do, by the way this form also needs my mums signature but he just waits until he can get her on her own then intimidates her to sign, i cannot believe the stupidity of this situation, it’s like an abused wife seeking divorce and the husband getting the divorce papers that his wife must sign in his presence before the law will grant her wishes, I need advice urgently as my mums condition has worsened in the last couple of months after suffering five strokes, she is now totally bedridden and needs constant care, please help!!

[bowlingbun]

Your mum counts as a vulnerable adult. Local authorities have clear duties to protect vulnerable adults, and should therefore get involved, it can be called "Elder Abuse". I'm sure Google will have more information if you type that in. Might I suggest that you consider getting a covert camera to record his behaviour? Someone locally had problems with the carer nicking their carees money and bought a clock on ebay which had a hidden camera, so there was absolute proof. The carer was jailed. Needless to say this may well get nasty, but your first duty must be to mum. If she had so many strokes recently, was she admitted to hospital? If so the hospital should have arranged a proper package of care before she was discharged. As benefits are involved, you can also raise your concerns with the DWP - is your brother their "appointee". That means he should be making sure mum's benefits are properly spent on mum, NOT him!!! Hope that helps.

[david robinson]

PS. My mum will not say a bad thing about my brother and her only wish is that the carer role is taken over without her having to sign his form.

[Helen Berry]

Hi

Im so sorry for what you are going through, it sounds awful!

I have no advice or experience I'm sorry I just didn't want to read and run.

Good luck xxx

[Myrtle]

Hi David,
have a look here
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=18971

Protecting Vulnerable Adults from Abuse (Safeguarding)
which will give you a lot of information.

[tracie]

so sorry your brother bullys your mum if your mum wants another person to care for her without signing a form that is her wish social services have a duty to protect your mum as she a vulnerable adult please speak to them

[Scally]

Good post: there are lots of truly rotten so called "carers" who merely do it under a flag of convenience, and I think this is a far more important problem than is gererally realised. "Real" carers would never tolerate abuse or neglect. I agree that social services need to be contacted urgently: the covert camera idea is interesting but carries some real risks - I wouldn't do it without some careful thought about the possible consequences, as it could be seen as a serious invasion of privacy. Neglect is a criminal offence, and so is passive complicity in neglect or abuse, so it is far better to get advice and help from the professionals than just dither.

[Bridget Leech]

This is very difficult for you. I have seen this before.If you are really worried, you need to inform your GP and Social Services and explain that your mother will always stand up for him.Keep at them to drop in at different time, unannounced.She is what is called 'A Vulnerable adult', and can't understand that 'life' doesn't have to be like that. You probably will get no thanks for 'interfering' initially, but it is essential.The person, I knew about, eventually had a fall trying to light a gas fire, having been left on her own and died shortly afterwards.Again, it was a hidden family problem-not my family-by the way!
Bridget Leech

[phoebe]

Hi David, I am so sorry for the situation you are in. I have nothing to add to all the brilliant advice offered by others, I'm afraid, but just wanted to say hope it works out. You must be so worried.
Phoebe x