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Break for a carer holiday for a caree - Carers UK Forum

Break for a carer holiday for a caree

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I am trying to get a break from caring, Social Services have offered my caree a day centre but he doesn't want to goto a day centre. I agree why force someone out of their own home to give a carer a break.

I have now been told about a sitting service but again the caree does not want a sitting service.
Again Social Services have offered a week in an old peoples home but he would have to pay.

If he could have a holiday somewhere that would give me a break as well.
He is only on a basic pension so how does he pay for it, can he get a grant, tried that website Turn2U ?? but doesn't seem to qualify.

He doesn't want Social Services involved sick of these people trying to interfere, he knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. And all they do is try and persuade him to goto a day centre.
The title seems to give the obvious solution but Social Services don't work that way, if they gave one person a holiday everyone would want one.
Thanks for any info in advance.
Hmm, sorry to sound mean and nasty, but I think it's time for 'firm love' by you. Yes, of course your caree doesn't want any alteration to their current routine, and certainly doesn't want to lose you for any length of time whatsoever.

But, here goes - there are TWO people in the caring relationship. The caree AND the carer. And BOTH of you have 'rights'!!!!


And whether the caree 'understands' that or not, is, again to be blunt, irrelevant.

YOU do a hellofalot for your caree - and now it's time forthem to do something for you. They may not want to, but tough. They owe you. And you must collect.

I'm afraid that waiting for your caree to give their 'consent' to your break is pointless. The time comes when you don't 'ask' your caree for 'permission' to go anywhere. You simply 'tell them what is happening'.

In a way, part of their reluctance is fear of change itself, they worry 'what will happen' so that's why carers need to be calm and authoratiative and simply say what is going to happen.

So, you say 'xxxx, I've arranged for me to have a bit of a break, so next week someone will be coming to sit with you/you'll be spending some time in the day centre/you'll be staying in a 'hotel' for a few days'......or whatever arrangements you make.

The essential point to realise is that they will never 'consent' (or are unlikely to!), but that that doesn't matter!

And whilst he may know what he wants and what he doesn't - well, so do we all, don't we?!!!! Doesn't mean we can always get it - and when getting it means someone else has to suffer (YOU!), then THEY DON'T GET IT!

It's very, very hard being 'firm' wiith someone who is dependent on you for so much, but it has to be done. Or the caree will become 'monstrous'.......

All the best to you, and above all, remember that you DESERVE to have a break from caring.

Kind regards, Jenny.
It appears that the caring situation for Londonbound isn't straightforward, I did look at previous posts to see if it would help with an answer but I'm afraid not..there are two carers and carees.
Londonbound, the only thing I can suggest is to contact the CUK adviceline.

I have to be honest though and say there is probably little that can be done unless somebody is actually receiving carers allowance.
Also as Social Services have made an "offer" of some sort which would enable respite, Im not sure what else could be available.

Sorry I can't be of any help.
Londonbound, I am in a similar situation in that my mum refuses all forms of day centres. However, under protest, she does now accept a sitting service once a week. She thinks that she is helping to train the people before they go out to "old people who really need them!"

At the moment mum is refusing to go to respite for a week but she did go last year and, if not exactly enjoy it, she survived. I intend to do the same this year regardless of whether she wishes to go or not. She has the choice - a week away once a year or a home. I know this sounds brutal but there comes a point where you have to care for yourself in order to care for your caree.

Incidentally, we do not get any form of carers allowance but the week away is funded by Social Services (after some battle). Please try to get away despite what your caree thinks. It is actually in their best interests to keep you sane.
Hi Londonbound. I feel for you. I don't know your full circumstances, but, I do know the stubborness that is confronting you from your caree/s. My dad is the same. I eventually managed to persuade him to attend a day centre on 1 day a week when I wasn't there. He had to pay to be collected and fed, also for being there. He moaned about it all the time and wouldn't join in with anything. However, I just kept pointing out that it was that or stay in 4 walls on his own, surely he would give preference to company?! He refused to go anymore when they put the price up. Can't say I blame him. I managed to get him high rate AA and told him he should use it to pay for someone to come in on days when I am not there, and maybe they could do some housework too and give me a break from that. But, nope, no chance. He gives me the money as I attend to him, but moans about it. As I point out he only has it because I got it for him and all it does is replace some of the income I lost through becoming his carer. It doesn't cover my costs etc.

He is so stubborn and I think unreasonable. He is not well off but not entitled to anything. He could afford to pay for respite care, but won't. He could pay for a carer to come in a couple of days a week to allow me to go away but won't. He could pay for taxis to visit friends, but guess what, he won't. I feel that he expects all to run about after him at his whim. He doesn't want the problems solved because he needs to have something to be unhappy about and moan about. (I know how he feels sometimes)!! It is all so frustrating.

I think a certain amount of it comes with age and how people lived so hand to mouth then, and change to routines is not an option to be considered.

I have told dad that I AM having 2 weeks holiday this year with my husband. It is his right as much as any ones to be able to see and have a break with his wife. If dad chooses to go to a hotel near his sister while I am away, I will take him, but I have told him he will have to go for 21/2 weeks or it takes time from my holiday. If he won't go, I have asked a friend (who doesn't drive) to pop and see he is ok. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I am not prepared to drive across the country to see him every 2 or 3 days. They are his choices. He has the option to be home for 2 weeks and see nobody too!!!!

No matter what, Unless he is terribly ill, I will have my 2 week break and spend some very much needed time with my very upset but understanding husband!!

You must be firm and do the same. It is really really hard and heartbreaking but it has to be done for your own health and sanity. You must get 'me' time.

I wish you all the best for sorting this out. I wish there was something I could do to help, but sadly not.

Take care, keep strong.


Shaz, it sounds monstrous! Your dad needs 'care' - he does not need 'your care'! I'm glad you are standing firm on the holiday issue, and please, please please keep that attitude going when you come back. Just don't give in. If he wants that level of care, that you are currently providing, give him some of it, but not all of it, and if he wants more he has to accept it from outside - or, as you say, go without. His choice.

To be blunt, it sounds like he's going to moan whatever you do - so why not give him something to moan about! ie, moaning that you're not looking after him yourself all the time!

Read back what you've written, and see if you don't think as I'm thinking ' wow, that is monstrous!'.

PS - Can't your husband talk to him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he won't have his wife turned into a skivvy and a runaround for her dad?!
so sorry for jumping in londonbound.

Hi Jenny. Thanks. I am still very very lucky compared to most people on this forum. At least I do get to live at home for half the week even if things do pile up.!! I don't nor would give dad 'personal' care. I cook and clean take him to do all his chores and see friends when they're about. Total responsibility for what food he has in and health etc. It is just so very very hard having to live away from home half of every week. He just has a really stubborn attitude and so so so set in his ways and thinking. Both my husband and I are shattered on a weekend so have no social life to right home about nor holidays. Like most on here, we both have health issues too. Hopefully none serious. Yet to be found out.
Thanks for your support.

((((((hugs)))))))))))) to all
I am in a similar situation in that my mum refuses all forms of day centres. However, under protest, she does now accept a sitting service once a week. She thinks that she is helping to train the people before they go out to "old people who really need them!"
That's a brilliant strategy.

She has the choice - a week away once a year or a home. I know this sounds brutal but there comes a point where you have to care for yourself in order to care for your caree.
Fair enough. Very true.

Sorry for chiming in again but I think the situation needs some clarification from the OP?

In his/her original post on the forum, he/she mentioned that they are caring for somebody who is in turn caring for someone else..so not a straightforward situation it seems.
To clarify the situation I am caring for my wife full time, but I am also caring for an elderly person, lets call him Bill- I suppose as many people do I am helping and supporting Bill as basically there is no one else, no family etc.

To furthur complicate things Bill has a friend who is disabled, lets call him Ben, Bill does his best to help Ben but invariably I am called to help.
Say Ben needs help with his Benefits, Bill trys to help but if Bill can't sort it out it's basically up to me.
So as I have explained I am caring for Bill who is caring for Ben but effectively I am caring for both.
I goto to Bills house, cook him a meal but if Ben is there I am cooking 2 meals, plus the washing up.
I take Bill shopping well Ben needs shopping as well.

I am basically sick and tired of the constant demands but a sitting service, isn't going to clean Bills house or power wash his back yard, or help Bill decorate his house.

He nor I want or need a sitting service because even if he does then there are still the constant demands on me cooking cleaning etc.

And I still have my wife to look after, so would effectively need 2 sitting services?
But am i eligible for a sitting service?
But I would like my own life, I would like to restore my classic car been sat in the garage for years.

I have tried Tough love as suggested and it is tough, watching someone deterioate because they aren't getting the support.

I can and have walked away from Bill, he is nothing to do with me not family but Bill needs help and support which he simply isn't getting from Social Services/ the community.

But then he phones can I come and help, Bill gets really depressed, lonely etc, Suicidal.

So what do you do in a situation like this?
It has been suggested I break up the relationship with Bill, which I have done but then he contacts me desperate for help.

Very difficult position for me to be in but I am sure there are thousands of carers in the same position as me caring for effectively multiple caree's.

so I have clarified the situation now, so how do I get a break from caring?
How or where do I go for caring support, but if I am caring all the time how do i actually access this support.

I have talked to MIND, persuade Bill to go to the doctors, but all the docs do is give him tablets.

Basically I have had enough, feel like doing a long walk off a
short pier.