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So Anxious!! Sorry if posted in wrong place! - Carers UK Forum

So Anxious!! Sorry if posted in wrong place!

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi Everyone

I joined the forums about 6 months ago, as I wanted advice on caring for my gran, since then ive not posted at all. So im still quite new here, and not sure if im posting in the place. Apologies if I have.
Not sure what im hoping to gain out of posting, but I just feel the need to have an offload. I am feeling pretty low at the moment.
I care for my Gran, who suffers with COPD, Angina, Irregular Heart and Respiratory Failure. She is in hospital at the moment, and I have a sudden growing feeling of anxiety, because I can see how much she has deteriorated recently, she is ill almost everyday.
I am her sole carer and tend to all her needs, I also have 2 daughters, 6 & 12, and they love my gran very dearly, and see her everyday when im tending to her needs.
Instead of waffling on im gonna just come right out with it, im sure she is going to lose her fight soon (I hope I am wrong), but I can see it everyday and its my gut feeling, and Im just so scared. Im ok on the outside, plodding on, but im panicking inside. I know its inevitable, but im so scared how I am going to cope and how I am going to help my girls get through it.
I know I may sound so selfish, speaking this way, but I am realistic, and its breaking my heart seeing my gran the way she is, I knew my mother was dying 10 years ago, without being told by any proffessionals, and my gut instinct was correct. This is soooo horrible

Hi bekky,

Not an easy situation to be in, and there's no easy answer as everyone copes in different ways. I was in a similar situation to you two years ago, sole carer for my Nan, three children of my own who were 19, 17 and 7 all of who were very close to my Nan. I had all the feelings you're having now, I could see the deterioration in her health, my children were asking the question "is Grandma going to be alright" everytime she was admitted to hospital. it's ok to feel scared, it's a natural feeling.
What helped me was having to carry on for my children and being here on the forum knowing I had people I could talk to who understood what I was going through. You're amongst friends here, more importantly you are among people who understand.

Take care, thinking about you, your Gran and your girls, ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Karen x x
Hello Bekky,
Firstly, I hope that it has helped you in a small way to write it all down and get it out of your head! You sound to be very strong, even if you don't feel it!
I also know that my mother won't be around for much longer and it's horrible to watch a loved one declining from day to day.
As everyone else said, nobody really knows how, or if they will cope. All I can say is that you WILL cope - you have to! As for your girls - I dunno, maybe you can start to prepare them for what will eventually happen? Maybe start a scrapbook for them, so that they will have pictures and things that belong to your Gran. As Audrey says, I believe that children are more resiliant than we give them credit for.
Be kind to yourself, too - your feelings are natural - it's fear of the unknown.
At the end of the day, make the most of her - spend time, talk (if she still does), so that you have a happy time to add to your memories.
These are just my thoughts and hope I haven't added to your sadness x
.........and please, if you want, keep in touch!
you be good to you.thats so very right.its essential.you must be able to chill,take a moment,and just make sence of things,im a fine one to talk,im forever all overe the place,never quite together.but im learning to be more me-friendly.
Hi Becky, and hugs to you.

I echo what everyone else has said, and particularly Caring Mind about starting to prepare your girls, and also talking to your Gran if you can. You've been through it before with your Mum, so you know you will cope, and I'm sure there were many things you wished you had said or discussed with your Mum after she had gone. Now's your chance to say and discuss all those things with your Gran, or just be with her when you can, hold her hand and show her how much you love her.

Preparing your girls does not have to be a depressing thing, and even if your Gran pulls through (and I hope she does) the time will have to come eventually, as it does for everyone. I don't know what your beliefs about death and the afterlife are, so this is probably not the place to discuss it, but all I can say is that I have more than enough evidence to support the fact that when your Gran does go, she'll be happier and healthier than she's ever been!

Draw on whatever feels right for you to talk about with your girls, and I think the idea of a scrapbook is an excellent one.

You WILL cope, Becky. We all do. And you do need to be strong for your girls, but that doesn't mean you can't also be sad. After all, we're human.
We started a memory book for my youngest son and he's written and drawn in it as well as putting pictures in. x x
Oh My, thankyou to each and every one of you for posting to me. I really am so greatful.
The night I posted, my gran had gone into hospital with breathlessness, this is a common occurence, but as I sat with her in hospital for 4 hours waiting for a Doctor to come, I could tell she was more unwell than usual, her oxygen level was 73, and her heart was racing so the monitor alarm was going off also. And she had a look in her eyes that said "im giving up", I think she is beginning to lose her will now.
Despite this, she has gradually got better since being admitted, and she may even be discharged tomorrow, which is great news, but I do still believe that she has not got very long time left, I think its all taken its toll on her now.
I agree with children being more resiliant than we think sometimes, thats for sure. I just cant get the thought out of my head that when my mum died I was 24, and as most people would be......I was in a heck of a state.....friends tell me things about how I was when my mum died and I honestly cannot remember, all I remember in the early days was how numb I felt for about 2 months, and the thought of my girls experiencing that at a tender age really worries and bothers me, but unfortunatley we all have to go through it at some point in our lives:(
Anyway Im not feeling too panicked at the moment, and I really really like the idea of a memory book, thats such a brilliant idea. I will close now as im running out of space,
thankyou all of you lovely people
Thankyou Audrey
Yes thats another good idea, maybe I will when the time comes. I have lost 3 of my closest ever relatives, so you think I would know how to cope, but nothing prepares you does it!!
But I feel so much better just knowing how understanding and kind everyone seems to be on these forums, its so uplifting, it really is:)
I dont think people understand what its like when you have cared for someone for a long time. All I seem to get lately is........."Maybe nows the time to look into putting your gran into a home"......I dont judge anybody who has been in that situation......but for me it is not an option, I want to do it myself, I cant do that to her now, she needs me more than ever now.
Ive not got many relatives, so maybe this is why its so important to me, but I feel offended when people say that to me. I dont know, maybe its me, it probably is me actually Image
Anyway sorry for waffling, and another big thanyou to everyone who posted to me