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Being shut out from father - Carers UK Forum

Being shut out from father

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Hi forum,

Im new and am trying to get some advice or somewhere to start.

My mother passed away in January and now I only have my father. I now seem to have an issue with access to my father and I will explain.

My late Mother & my Father who is still alive are both in need of some care, at the time my younger brother moved in to help with the little things as they were still able to do most things themselves.
When my mother died my brother of course stayed on too care for my father, he is 89 and although still ok he has difficulty in walking and his eye sight is going.
Since my Mother died I have now to deal with my brother as he is staying there, I dont get along with my brother, anyway I mentioned to him that I would like to have a key so I can come around to visit my father and also as I told him that when He needs time out I could come and stay a few days so he can return to his own home (he is single no children or relationship).

He has refused me a key and also he wants me to let him know when I am coming around, when I do he does not open the door he tells my Father to do this even though my father has difficulty walking.
My mother left a DIY will and left him to be the executor yet he will not let me see the will, my mother told me she had made out a cheque for my plus one for him and her sister, I contacted the bereavement team at the bank and they told me the money has already been paid out yet I havent seen anything.

What really worries me is that I cannot get in the house without his permission, I have spoke to my father about this but he and my mother were both vulnerable and worried about there care as they knew that I would have difficulties with fulltime care for them as I have a family to care for and a job to go to everyday and my brother can work from home as he is doing so.

My father said not to worry but as the years pass my father health with deteriorate and Im worried that my brother will take advantage of this situation and not let me in the family house for visits.

What or where can I go to get help with this dilemma ?

All I want is access to my father.

Thanks
Hi Ted & welcome

Condolences for the loss of your mother ...

https://www.findersinternational.co.uk/ ... in-a-will/

Difficult situation ...

Who owns the property your Dad and brother are living in. If it's your Dad's will Dad not let your have a key. Do your have a relationship with your Aunt to ask did she receive a cheque. And does she know what Mum left you.

Do you think your Dad is being coerced and not being allow to make his own decisions. Is the care your brother is providing meeting your Dad's care needs. If you have concerns in these areas you could contact. Your local Social Services dept and then a home visit could be set up.
What would happen in case of emergency?
Your brother is behaving strangely, sounds very controlling.
Thanks for the replies.

My dad owns the property and my brother has his own home. My parents were together for more than 60 yrs, my father paid for everything and my mother would take care of my father, it was an old fashioned type of marriage, although my mother worked as a home help for more than 20 yrs part time my father never took money off her.
My parents were both quite vulnerable in their later yrs, my mother having cancer and also my father plus he has trouble walking. My brother is 20yrs younger than me single, never goes out etc.

Anyway about 8 yrs ago we had a row and it got a little bit physical as I clipped him around the ear he did not like that and he never spoke to me since, though my Mother would always ask him to start talking to me again, so when my mother was in hospital we had to visit her and meet because my mother was going to die, pneumonia was the cause, before she passed away she asked us are we both friends now and my brother replied yes. At the time we had a row my mother was worried that this may happen again so I lost the key to the family house where my brother was living at the time,

When my mother died my father was really upset as you could imagine, he began to feel vulnerable due to his health and his loss that he now relied on my brother. My brother had already moved back to the family home to look after my mother so stayed on to care for my father and after about 3 weeks of visiting I said to my brother that I would like to have a key so I can come around if there is any problems or emergencies or if you need a few days off and I could stay and look after dad.

I did not get an answer so I let it go until my next visit where I asked my dad whilst in the presence of my brother for a key, my father was reluctant to say anything but I knew he was worried about losing my brothers help as he told me privately that it was lucky that my brother was not married because he knows that it would be difficult for me as I have a young family to take care of.

With the issue of the will, my aunt has not received anything either, as the older brother I feel both angry and humiliated to have to be dealing with some one like this yet I feel totally powerless. I no longer look forward to going to the family house because Im really worried that my brother is going to do something to upset me, the last 2 visits he did not open the door to me instead telling my dad to go let me in.

I cannot grieve properly for my mother as this situation weighs heavily on me, I cant relax at he family home either. Because my father has a hearing problem its been difficult to talk to him about the things that are going on as if I say these thing loudly so he can hear then also my brother will hear, I started writing these things down so my father can read them and he thinks I am probably right about my brother trying to stop me seeing my father but my father now is vulnerable so feels powerless to do anything, he said he will get a key for me but I fear my brother will try to stop him.
Hello Ted,
Have you tried sincerely apologising to your brother for physically hurting him?
I agree with Karen. You need to apologise because things will only escalate further. I speak from personal experience. This may or may not work but at least you will have tried.

No physical stuff involved but my brother and his wife turned against me years ago for no reason and now we are in a position where they have put a stop on my application for probate for my late Mum. It is pure spite on their part because I am the executor but it could remain like this for years and years and none of us may ever get our inheritance.
Hi Ted,

Welcome to the Forum!

Have you been able to see your father at all recently just to check on his wellbeing?

Carers UK may be able to give you some advice regarding your situation.
Our Telephone Helpline is available on: 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org).

They also provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers a range of subjects including:

Benefits and financial support
Your rights as a carer in the workplace
Carers' assessments and how to get support in your caring role
Services available to carers and the people you care for
How to complain effectively and challenge decisions

Please feel free to ask for the help and support that you and your family need.

Best wishes
Firstly he did say that you never apologized, so there and then I said I apologize, though to be honest we are brothers and the clip around the ear was really harmless, on the other hand my cousins would be fists and all and still be mates after. He used this unfortunate incident which l created as an issue with me to probably give him some kind of reason to disown me as a brother.

My brother is around 20 yrs younger than me, when I was 19 my 21yr old sister died, so my mother thought that she would have another child so I would have a sibling and not be alone in my life, though when I reached my 20s I traveled and lived overseas until I returned in my early fifties, so I never really grew up with my brother, I did visit many times over the years but that was it.

In 2011 I got married and had my first child and decided that I wanted to bring my family back to the UK and live because I wanted my parents to have grand children plus I wanted them to have a British education, I have 2 children now.
For the 8yrs that my brother did not talk to me he never even wanted to contact my children.

I try to get around to visit my father at least once a week, most of the time I spend working so when I get a day off I will visit. I dread emailing my brother to let him know I will be visiting as I feel he may start refusing me to come around and give me some excuse for this. This is not the position I want to be in, and I feel as time goes by and my father get older his health will deteriorate and he will be powerless.

I feel deep down this is all about my parents house which I feel he wants. My father has made a will which I have seen, it clearly states 50/50, though now he has moved in and I dont have a key what could this mean Im not sure.

I may have to get social services involved but Im not sure what the repercussions of that might be, of course my brother is best placed to care for my father as he has no other commitments, as for me I could only help if my whole family was to move into the family home, not sure that my father would want that especially as my brother is there.

Is it possible for my brother to ask my father to sign some kind a form allowing him to be my fathers sole carer?
It seems your brother is almost depriving dad of his liberty and freedom. That is serious.
bowlingbun wrote:
Sat Apr 17, 2021 10:36 pm
It seems your brother is almost depriving dad of his liberty and freedom. That is serious.
I hope it does not come to that, I will email my brother to visit sometime this week but I dread doing this, i would rather just pop around for a visit but my brother does not want me to pop around unannounced.