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Feeling pulled in lots of directions - Carers UK Forum

Feeling pulled in lots of directions

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I look after my parents who live with me. Both in their eighties. Dad currently in a rehab hospital after a kidney problem, and thankfully is being given xome help with his walking so he can continue to manage the stairs when he comes home.

Mum has mild dementia and has medication which does help. I work part time, three days at work until 3.00 and work at home on Fridays. This week I had to work from home yesterday as my son had a tutor consultation that lasted all of ten minutes. Today I went to work this morning, called mum at lunchtime, who was low and tearful, so I asked to come home to work. My boss is very understanding, but said that the manager above him ( not so understanding) was wanting to make sure that the situation with 'people' working from home was looked at, so something has obviously been said. It's not just me who does it, most of the others work one day a week including my boss. I always work when I am at home and can prove it, unlike some others! I don't think it was just me he was referring to, but I feel worried about it now. I actually like going to work, it's a nice place and gives me something else to think about and we have a laugh.

I was at work all day Tuesday and mum was fine, got my aunt to take her to visit Dad yesterday afternoon so it's just been today she has been on her own. She's fine now I'm here, and sorry that she caused me to come. I suppose I could have not bothered and come at the normal time, but it didn't seem the kind thing to do. Maybe I should have been a bit firmer, and she knows I can't do it again. I don't really know what to do, hopefully this is a one-off and dad will be home soon, she doesn't have enough to fill the day and just sits and thinks. I suggested putting the tv on for company, but she hasn't and she reads and knits usually. I may have to call on my aunt to come over next week when I am at work, but my uncle is ill too, so she has other responsibilities.

I just feel like I am being pulled all over the place, I need my job and the money and to get out. I'm sorry of this sounds pathetic, having read a lot of your posts it does rather. I texted my husband and he has come back with ' we can't work like this, we'll talk later', so I don't know what he will say. Image
Thanks Audrey, mum is fine now, with the tv and her knitting! Dad has been in hospital for three weeks now and she has been on her own before and has been fine until today. She only has mild demetia and doesn't seem to be getting worse than when diagnosed this time last year thankfully, so far at least. We are supposed to be getting a carers assessment once dad comes out of hospital, I am arranging some help in his dressing and washing first thing. I think she just needs him back home to look after, but agree she could do with something else to occupy her. I haven't heard of Crossroads. I'd like to arrange for them to go to a day centre or club or something together once he's home, would social services help with that do you know?

My boss has just phoned to say he has talked about it to the other manager who is fine and understands too, phew! So, maybe I have worried over nothing. Just want to pull my weight at work and manage everything I suppose.
Hi there,
As Audrey has said, it's not pathetic at all, so don't worry about that! In this Forum, there is no 'my problem is bigger than yours'; everyone is so helpful and understanding. I'm pleased that the work situation is ok for you now, must be a weight off your mind.
The Adult Social Services are the ones to phone - but, and it's a big but, you have to make them aware that you CAN'T look after them all the time, and that your work suffers because of it - blah, blah, blah......or else if they think you can cope, they will leave you to do just that!
I hope it all works out for you, and don't forget to come back any time you need to rant, rave, laugh or cry x
Thank you so much for your advice both of you, what a nice group of people there are here. I will talk to social services, there has been a social worker assigned to dad at the hospital who is going to get in touch with me, so i will see what can be done. They tend to stay in and watch tv (or dad sleeps in front of it!!) and he doesn't really like going out too much, (too cold, too wet, too much hassle to get ready etc) and mum may not want to go without him, so I might have to do a bit of gentle persuading that each is going for the other's benefit. Saw dad last night, seems resonably cheerful as much as he can be. Just wants to come home now, so I will try and find out what the plan is for that timescale-wise. There is a tea time session at our village hall so I'm going to try and find out if any of our neighbours go who could take mum with them too.
What are the signs of mild dementia? I am sure my Mum is going that way as she forgets a lot of things, in fact she has notes all over her kitchen to remind her of things to do, notes like 'Wash the windows' 'Clean the cupboard out'

Also shes saying words wrong and then yesteday she rang me and said 'Has Simon arrived yet' I said what you on about hes not coming here and she said I was sure you said he was popping in today and I was wondering where he would sleep for the night. Sy is my son who lives in Blackpool and we havent heard from him for 2 weeks.

Lots of other things dont seem right with her I know since the stroke shes not 100% but she seems to be getting worse even though she thinks shes fine
Nilla - just to say my husband has (finally!!) been diagnosed with dementia today - probably vascular and caused by a stroke he had some four years ago. He started the same way with endless lists and notes and asking me to write little timetables so he would know when to get up if we were going out later in the day. Then he started to forget quite important things, even sometimes his own children's names, the day of the week, month we were in and the year, or where he was. He is not like this all the time, and has a week or two when all seems well but then he will have a spell of being extremely confused, wandering off etc. Generally his speech and thought process is very slow now, and he searches for words. The tv remote is now beyond him as is the simple mobile phone I bought him with buttons on it to connect directly with my cell phone and that of my daughter and his daughter, and he can no longer use a calculator.
I cannot help but feel very relieved that finally somebody has put a label on what is amiss and that we are going to get regular advice - also I can tell his family (who are in denial over it) that he has been diagnosed and it is not my over-active imagination!
I now write every day on a small whiteboard which I put in his room early in the morning so he can refer to it (doesn't stop him from asking me as well!) as that seems to make him feel more secure. The advisor we saw today was extremely helpful, and told him to concentrate on the things he enjoys that he can still do, like the odd bit of gardening, and not to fret about the technology of the tv etc.
With my Mum having the stroke I wonder if thats whats wrong with her? She thinks shes fine so I cant suggest tests as she would have a fit, maybe I should have a sneaky word with the GP?
My Mum would be horrified if she thought she had slight dementia but deep down I wonder if she can tell sometimes shes not right, she calls me loads of names before she gets to mine lol
With my mum we noticed that it was short term things she couldn't remember, as you say, what day it was or month. She had often called me different names before getting to me, ususally after talking to someone else on the phone! But the thing suddenly became a different ball game when she came into our lounge one night last year and asked how she was going to get home. I'll never foorget that moment when we knew something was really wrong. She also gets a distracted look and walks about a lot when she's having one of her moments, which we recognise now and can ask her what's troubling her and reassure. She talks a lot about her mum, where they used to live and how things were when she worked some 30 years ago. On other days she will surprise me with coming out with something really astute or comment on something quite recent.

Luckily we got her assessed very quickly and also very luckily, as I have just realised, having seen the news yesterday, was prescribed Aricept on the NHS. It's helped a lot and I can honestly say she has got no worse since diagnosis. Long may it last.

Looking at the Alzheimers website, lots of people go and see the GP on someone else's behalf because they are worried. My very limited experience makes me say to people to get it checked out, as catching this awful thing as early as possible is vital. I wish I had got mum checked a couple of years ago, when she started saying her memory was getting bad, but frankly I was too scared of what I might hear.

We have just had a careline alarm fitted for dad and mum to use when he comes out, and I am truly kicking myself for not having done this before, it would have saved so much worry for us all. Doh!! Image
The first sign of dementia is excessive and repetitive posting on the Internet. The second sign is excessive and repetitive posting on the Internet.
That's not funny.