Father resisting help

[Kim_2006]

Hi
My 94 year old father has been resisting any extra help from outside family. I am the only family member in same town . I feel like the daily phone calls to check on him and twice weekly visits are not enough. It’s stressful to constantly think he may have fallen (he has fallen a few times) and he takes all his frustrations out on me . Sometimes he’s upbeat and fine but it’s mostly not like that. He point blank refuses help from someone who can just call a few times per week to check if he needs anything. We have now argued about this as I’ve had enough and feel I can’t even go away. When I asked him to consider me he said he was fine. The argument led to him slamming the phone down and then refusing to speak on the phone. Has anyone experience of how to move forward from this situation? Thank you

[Jane Carers UK]

Hello Kim, welcome to the forum

Sorry to hear about the situation with your Dad, it sounds stressful and worrying for you. I'm sure many on here have experience with this and can offer support.

It's important to know you're not alone, have a look through our help and advice pages and see what might be available for you both to support your Dad and also connect with other carers and support yourself.

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice

Best wishes

Jane

[bowlingbun]

Dad won't accept outside help until he's forced to, and while you are doing it, he doesn't accept that he needs it.
The only power he has over you is the power you let him have. You need to have some "me" time.

[Melly1]

Hi Kim,

Does your father have a safety pendant to summon help if he falls? This would give you peace of mind that if he falls he will receive help quickly.

Perhaps your father accept a gardener or a cleaner coming to help 'you' out with the chores, this would get him used to other people calling. He could pay for this with attendance allowance. The right cleaner could also offer to pick him up any bits and pieces from the shop etc. Worth a try.

Re going away - you can't put your life on hold for your father. If you want to go away, then its a case of telling your father you are going and arranging paid folk/neighbour etc to pop in and family member's to ring him etc and then going away. You will come back rested and your father will perhaps realise and appreciate how much you do for him.

Melly1

[bowlingbun]

I'm afraid the more you do the more they want, forgetting that you are an adult with a home and your own life to lead. My mum certainly never really took on board the fact that I was not only nearing 60 but had two bad knees and a walking stick!!
You need to make yourself less available, turn the answerphone on and leave it on, and go on holiday so that when you get back you might find you are more appreciated. Maybe arrange something or someone "while I'm away" who becomes a permanent fixture?

[Sue_191012]

Hi there, what daily help does he need? (if any). I do an awful lot for my mum (she’s 83) and, like you would like to go away for a short time and not to have to worry continuously. I will be reinstating my mums daily carer soon ( cancelled them when corona started and now waiting for bathroom work to be finished) who calls for half an hour each morning to help her get washed and dressed. That leaves me to sort out her meals etc for whilst I’m not there (I’d only like to go away for one or two nights). She wears a lifeline although wouldn’t stop me worrying if I wasn’t around for a day or two. I suppose it’s difficult if, like you say, your dad doesn’t want to accept outside help but maybe this would be your only way of going away without worrying. Does he get attendance allowance?

[Joshua_2007]

Hi
My 94 year old father has been resisting any extra help from outside family. I am the only family member in same town . I feel like the daily phone calls to check on him and twice weekly visits are not enough. It’s stressful to constantly think he may have fallen (he has fallen a few times) and he takes all his frustrations out on me . Sometimes he’s upbeat and fine but it’s mostly not like that. He point blank refuses help from someone who can just call a few times per week to check if he needs anything. We have now argued about this as I’ve had enough and feel I can’t even go away. When I asked him to consider me he said he was fine. The argument led to him slamming the phone down and then refusing to speak on the phone. Has anyone experience of how to move forward from this situation? Thank you

All you can do is stress the point that he needs help from someone else, i think he knows how corrupt the care system is. There is good in it too, stress that fact with him, and good luck.