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Really struggling - Carers UK Forum

Really struggling

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Need some help and advice as I'm really at the end of my tether. My husband has had it suggested to him that he may have borderline personality disorder. Tbh I suspect its much, much worse than that. I'm his full time carer (or try to be) he would probably tell you otherwise. His temper , episodes are just so hard to deal with and I just don't feel strong enough anymore. He gets no support from the GP or the mental health system. Its all left for me to deal with and it's just absolutely impossible. He's also addicted to cannabis. Which just adds to the stress of it all. When he goes into an episode he goes. I'm the worst wife in the world, he hates me and he'll start smashing the house up. I don't know how I'm supposed to live like this for the rest of my life when the people who should be helping him just don't. We don't have anything to do with friends or family so we are isolated from the world. Any advice on how to deal with this wound be appreciated.
Hi Natasha,
It's late and you might not get many replies tonight. This is completely outside of my experience so I just want to say welcome to the forum. I will ask one question and please remember I don't know you or your circumstances so please don't be offended as no offence intended.
Do you want to stay in this relationship?
Please be aware that no one HAS to care for another, no matter what the relationship. (Children excepted).
Hopefully you will get more helpful replies soon.
KR
Elaine
Hey

Illness aside, but to me, much of his behaviour sounds abusive. Dont' get me wrong, there may be underlying mental health problems that are causing his behaviour. But whatever the cause might be I don't think anyone should have to put up with abuse at home.

My Dad has recently died and he treated my Mum terribly all through their married life, including the 12 years she cared for him. I think sometimes this was because he was ill. But sometimes because he was not a very nice person if he didn't get his way. I wish she had sought more help and stood up to his bullying behaviour.

Big question to you is do you want to carry on caring for this man? It would be understandable if you didn't, no one here will judge you for that. If you do, he needs to seek help for your sake if not for his. Starting with getting help for his addiction to cannabis. If your GP won't help try changing GP practice and starting again? Does your partner want help or is he resistant to it?

I know it sounds harsh, but if he is smashing up the house maybe you should call the police or an ambulance? Although I know this sounds extreme, this behaviour is scary and you shouldn't be dealing with this alone. The emergency services are well used to dealing with people with mental health problems and this might be a way to access some more help?

Why are you isolated from your friends and family? Sounds as though you need support more than ever. Is there anyone you can talk to about this?

Sending my best wishes. Please vent here any time.
Hi Natasha,

It does sound like you’re in a difficult situation and you need support.

My immediate concern is about your husband’s verbal abuse and temper. Whether there has been physical violence towards you or not, this is domestic violence and I would strongly suggest you speak to a specialist helpline such as Women’s Aid that can offer you advice and support with this. It’s free and they’re there for you 24/7.

They can talk you though what options you have to ensure you are safe while in the relationship and also advise on your options if you feel you can’t stay. These are not decisions you have to make straight away if you don’t feel ready, but you and your safety are the most important things you need to think about.

If you ever feel you are in immediate physical danger, you must call the police immediately on 999.

You should speak to your GP about your situation too. It very much depends on local area, but you should in any case let them know how you feel about your husband’s behaviour and abuse.

You may also find it useful to speak to a service such a Frank or Addaction, who can support families and friends of those with addictions.

In addition Mind and Rethink Mental Illness provide a wealth of information and support to anyone affected by mental illness and you may find it useful to contact them.

I hope the above helps you find the support that you need to make the right decisions to ensure your wellbeing and safety.

I have copied and pasted the website links to these organisations here:
Women's Aid http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
Frank https://www.talktofrank.com/get-help/wo ... t-a-friend
Addaction https://www.addaction.org.uk/webchat
Mind https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/
Rethink Mental Illness https://www.rethink.org/services-groups

All the best,
Old thread, I am locking it.