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Am I being unreasonable? - Carers UK Forum

Am I being unreasonable?

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I live with my Mum and Sister as Mums carer and some care for my sister. It is very much their hose having lived here for 7 years and I only moved in in December. I share a room with Mum as there are only 2 bedrooms. We have single beds but due to space they’re next to each other. We got new beds so it’s pretty much the only thing I have here that is mine. However my mum insists on spreading out and ended up in part of my bed. There is no need for her to do this. She does it whilst I’m in it but also now waits till i get up and spreads out even further.

My question is am I being unreasonable in a) asking her not to. Which I have and I just get told I need to remember she used to share a bed with my Dad (we lost him in January 2021) and b) that I feel like the only space I have isn’t mine either. That I can’t have anywhere I feel have to myself. I can’t relax for fear of hitting her if I turn over or move.

I feel like I am but Iam not sure I should.
No, you are not the one being unreasonable, mum is!
In fact saying that it's OK for you to share as she shared a bed with her husband is so ridiculous it makes me wonder if she has degenerative mental problems.

It's time to move OUT!

No one is respecting you, no one has the right to tell you what you should be doing.
As an adult, you are responsible for your own actions.
Sadly, I doubt that mum will ever change, she is so self focussed.

Where were you living previously? What happened to all your things?
Tell us more about mum's situation, most importantly does she own or rent the flat?
If rented, who from? Are you aware that if it's a council or housing association flat you (and possibly your sister) will be given 28 days notice to quit when mum dies or moves into residential care???

Tell us more about mum, her disability and the help she needs as a result, and we may be able to make some suggestions.
It seems you made a mistake moving in, if you can, get help to get your own place and space if you are in a personal position to do that, or wait it out until you are.
You are not being unreasonable, bed encroachment is not on nor is feeling like a guest in your family home.
bowlingbun wrote:
Sun Aug 14, 2022 9:05 am
No, you are not the one being unreasonable, mum is!
In fact saying that it's OK for you to share as she shared a bed with her husband is so ridiculous it makes me wonder if she has degenerative mental problems.

It's time to move OUT!

No one is respecting you, no one has the right to tell you what you should be doing.
As an adult, you are responsible for your own actions.
Sadly, I doubt that mum will ever change, she is so self focussed.

Where were you living previously? What happened to all your things?
Tell us more about mum's situation, most importantly does she own or rent the flat?
If rented, who from? Are you aware that if it's a council or housing association flat you (and possibly your sister) will be given 28 days notice to quit when mum dies or moves into residential care???

Tell us more about mum, her disability and the help she needs as a result, and we may be able to make some suggestions.
My mum is selfish and freely admits she is. It’s nothing to do with her mental degeneration it’s purely and simply because she doesn’t care about anyone but herself.

Yes my sister and I are aware that once she either goes into care or passes away we can’t stay in the house but the housing association have put provision in the lease that they will re home us.

My mum has rheumatoid arthritis and mainly has mobility issues and again freely admits she is lazy. She had bowel cancer and is doubly incontinent so needs help with personal care. We also do all the cooking cleaning etc.

I lived alone in a flat in the next town but the flat had rats and my landlord refused to do anything about them. I moved in to help as my sister has issues as well and wasn’t coping. I can’t privately rent as I am a carer and therefore on benefits and most private landlords won’t consider you and also I have an IVA which I am not proud of but I am getting myself out of debt which is the main thing.
Breezey wrote:
Sun Aug 14, 2022 9:22 am
It seems you made a mistake moving in, if you can, get help to get your own place and space if you are in a personal position to do that, or wait it out until you are.
You are not being unreasonable, bed encroachment is not on nor is feeling like a guest in your family home.
Sadly yes but I had little choice and my sister needs me as much as mum which means I am torn. I don’t really have the means to move out.
Marcelle_2207 wrote:
Sun Aug 14, 2022 9:56 am
bowlingbun wrote:
Sun Aug 14, 2022 9:05 am
No, you are not the one being unreasonable, mum is!
In fact saying that it's OK for you to share as she shared a bed with her husband is so ridiculous it makes me wonder if she has degenerative mental problems.

It's time to move OUT!

No one is respecting you, no one has the right to tell you what you should be doing.
As an adult, you are responsible for your own actions.
Sadly, I doubt that mum will ever change, she is so self focussed.

Where were you living previously? What happened to all your things?
Tell us more about mum's situation, most importantly does she own or rent the flat?
If rented, who from? Are you aware that if it's a council or housing association flat you (and possibly your sister) will be given 28 days notice to quit when mum dies or moves into residential care???

Tell us more about mum, her disability and the help she needs as a result, and we may be able to make some suggestions.
My mum is selfish and freely admits she is. It’s nothing to do with her mental degeneration it’s purely and simply because she doesn’t care about anyone but herself.

Yes my sister and I are aware that once she either goes into care or passes away we can’t stay in the house but the housing association have put provision in the lease that they will re home us.

My mum has rheumatoid arthritis and mainly has mobility issues and again freely admits she is lazy. She had bowel cancer and is doubly incontinent so needs help with personal care. We also do all the cooking cleaning etc.

I lived alone in a flat in the next town but the flat had rats and my landlord refused to do anything about them. I moved in to help as my sister has issues as well and wasn’t coping. I can’t privately rent as I am a carer and therefore on benefits and most private landlords won’t consider you and also I have an IVA which I am not proud of but I am getting myself out of debt which is the main thing.
Oh my belongings other than what I could fit into my car at the time are in storage. We are picking them upon Tuesday eventually but I seriously doubt I’ll be able to keep much other than the clothes that still aren’t here as there is no space for my stuff. Mum wears the same 5 dresses week in week out but has 5 chest of drawers and a wardrobe full of clothes which she refuses to go through and make space. I have 2. he complained because I have some teddies and pictures in what’s supposed to be our room but she doesn’t like them.
Hi Marcelle,

I honestly think the living room should be made into your bedroom and then you can all have your own bedsitting rooms and always gather together in the kitchen or each other's rooms for family time.

I suspect you'll have trouble convincing your Mum of this - but I think its worth a try.

Or she could have the living room as her bedsitting room and you have her bedroom as your room.

Whilst you work on this proposal - I suggest you get some under bed storage and put as much as you can under the bed and in the living room. If you have any friends with lofts or garages - you could ask them if they could store anything for you.
Also think about what you can put between your Mum's bed and yours as a screen - a piece of her furniture/ a folding wall divider/ a curtain/ something from a garden centre etc

Melly1
Sadly Melly thtats not an option, our house isn’t big enough and Mum had a through floor lift that takes up much of the lounge. The kitchen is barely big enough for 2 to be in whilst cooking let alone have g a table etc. Would be ideal of we had the room.
Marcelle,

that's a real shame re the lift.

Would you be better sharing with your sister?

Otherwise, it's a case of thinking of putting some sort of screen between your and your Mum's beds or rearranging the furniture.

Melly1
You say that you don't have enough to move out. What are you currently living on?

Are both mum and sister receiving DLA/PIP/Attendance Allowance?
Are you claiming Carers Allowance?
Do either of them give you any money for the care you provide???

Have mum and sister each had a Needs Assessment?
Does mum own her home, or rent?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings?