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Where's the escape hatch? -Carers UK Forum

Where's the escape hatch?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi, everyone.
I had a mini breakdown about an hour ago and relieved a lot of pent-up stress and resentment after a half hour of crying and feeling sorry for myself. I'm over it now, but still need to vent a little. Sorry. Truly.
My mum's been showing all the signs of later stage dementia for over a year now. It's happened quite rapidly, as before the symptoms were masked by alcohol, and since she had cataracts on both eyes, some of the symptoms were put down to that. The operation was successful, but in the last year and a half things have been going downhill faster than ever. Mostly because after twenty years or so dealing with her as a functioning alcoholic, now I'm caring for her with dementia.
My mental health is suffering a fair bit - old wounds - and I feel as though I'm slowly sinking.
I have a plan moving forward, as it's becoming clear that mum needs more care than I can give her - and I'm done being sole carer. I fooled myself into thinking I could handle this, but it's beyond me now. Our relationship is becoming toxic, which isn't healthy, and her aggressive side is coming out again.
I can't just leave, but it's in my mind constantly right now.
I feel guilty about wanting out, but I can't do this anymore. It's wearing me down to dangerous levels.
Does anyone else feel the guilt and anger? And hatred? Yes, that too. She can't help how she is now, but I mix that up with everything else that's gone before. So all I feel now is negativity.
Sorry for the rant. I've tried talking to my older sister but she switches off, and is busy with her job, so I don't want to burden her.. Brother's worse.
I was going to join the cupathon this afternoon, but the way I feel, I can't face people face to face. I listen to people having fun outside and feel stuck in the world I've helped to create for myself. Toxic codependents. Mum's mobile, but doesn't want anyone else helping her. And refused respite care so I could have a break. An escape hatch would be useful.
Thanks for listening. xx Jools xx
Hi Jools,

life caring for your Mum sounds difficult and stressful. Do you live with her?

Caring for someone with dementia is very hard and most people can only cope for so before needing outside help and often there comes a time when 24/7 care from a team of people is required and residential care is the best option. You need to contact social care and request a Needs assessment for her. There is information about this process here https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... assessment

Melly1
Hi Jools, lots of sympathy and love for you. Talking of brothers, mine does nothing, announced a royal visit for the day after my birthday, turned up, had a cup of tea with mum (made by me of course) no birthday present for me, not even a happy birthday for yesterday, and left before an hour was up.

I suppose at least he turned up.
Just announce that you are going on holiday, and let brother and sister deal with the fall out. Put yourself first for once. They've been doing it for 52 weeks a year, after all!
bowlingbun wrote:
Sun Jul 04, 2021 5:31 pm
Just announce that you are going on holiday, and let brother and sister deal with the fall out. Put yourself first for once. They've been doing it for 52 weeks a year, after all!
Hi. I have a holiday booked for next year, now, and now have a definite plan moving forward. Thanks for your advice. I feel much calmer today, and have a better handle on the future. You're right. And I told my sister and mum yesterday that mum's carer doesn't have to be me! There are other options. Thanks again. x
Julia_2106 wrote:
Mon Jul 05, 2021 12:56 pm

Hi. I have a holiday booked for next year, now, and now have a definite plan moving forward. Thanks for your advice. I feel much calmer today, and have a better handle on the future. You're right. And I told my sister and mum yesterday that mum's carer doesn't have to be me! There are other options. Thanks again. x
Taking a holiday next year doesn't stop you from having a "holiday " this year. :whistle:
Go away for a few days, anywhere, just tell your siblings. It's not your job to arrange alternative care, if they won't do it themselves it's up to them!!
Go away for a few days, anywhere, just tell your siblings. It's not your job to arrange alternative care, if they won't do it themselves it's up to them!!
Be strong, don't be a slave, fight for your life.