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a bad day - Carers UK Forum

a bad day

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Today has been a really bad day and it is so hard to tell people around me. My lovely husband has terminal cancer and he broke his arm 3 weeks ago, today we had to visit the hospital for radiotherapy and the fracture clinic.
Things got off to a bad start this morning when he did not want a shower. We had a wet room put in a week ago for him to use primarily and he has only used it once. We got into a terrible row because he said I was forcing him to have a shower when he wanted a wash, It all got stupid and I just ended up sobbing because I do not feel my life is my own any more. It is not his fault that he can't do anything for himself but a lot of the time I just feel I can't do anything right. Maybe I am just being oversensitive.
He was diagnosed in july and we will be lucky if he is still with us at xmas. We both have grumpy days. People ( family & friends ) do not understand what it is like. They tell me I should get out more. But do they really mean " I will come and sit with him whenever you want" = not on your life. When I do go out I am constantly looking at my phone and I never go more than about 3 miles away.
I always feel so guilty if we have a row - it doesn't happen v often....I do not know how people cope if they don't really have a good relationship.
That word cancer really does change both the life of the carer and caree irreversibly.
My Mum who is 85 has terminal stomach cancer and lives 90 milesaway but just can't get to see her at the moment. I am a strong person but at the moment I just want to crawl under the duvet and have someone bring me a cup of tea at intervals during the day. then when I get up all the house will be clean and tidy, the ironing will be done and I can start again refreshed. And no I have not been slurping my husband's liquid morphine. Thanks for listening....it helps to write it down and share with peole who will know what I mean . xx
Hi stitchgirl. I care for my husband too though in my case it isnt terminal. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Im sorry i cant be much help,i just wanted you to know that there are people here who understand what you are going through. ((((((((HUGS))))))))
Hiya Stitch, what a stressful situation you are in, no wonder you feel demented .You must be very worried about the future too.
I think you should have a good moan on here as often as you want and we'll try to be supportive.Duvet, cups of tea , chocolate ,and all things comforting come to mind.
sending you good wishes
take care,write soon
thank you for your posts. Demented is a good word.!! Tonight sleep just will not come. After we had been to the hospital today I just wanted to crawl under the duvet, with a big bar of chocolate and have a good cry. I have always been a person with lots of physical and emotional energy but over the last couple of weeks feel like i am on continuous auto pilot.
The washing machine won't work - j would normally fix it but he cannot. i just sat on the stairs and sobbed my heart out. He had had so much extra liquid morphine to get him through the hospital visit that he slept through it all.
I feel myself getting irritated with him and feel so guilty. I found this forum by accident and just to know i can switch on the laptop any time of the day or night is such a relief to know there is a place i can share these feelings that others in my life would not understand and judge me about. H x
This is a time when people want their marriages to be as normal and happy as possible and this sadly is the time when this is most difficult to achieve due to the disease and sometimes the constant, necessary, intrusions on family life by professionals. And at the same time our role, again through necessity, becomes one which is more that of a nurse and carer than that of a partner. Not being able to fulfil our normal role and our desire for our marriage to be as it used to be leads to additional stress on top of the stress of having a very sick partner and all that comes with this and this stress often exhibits itself as irritability which then makes us feel guilty which in itself adds to the stress and the irritability until it becomes hard to break the pattern.

The above may not exactly reflect your situation but I think that perhaps quite a few of us would recognise the way in which trying to do the impossible and retain the old relationship when this is no longer a possibility can add to an already stressful situation and irritability is one of the inevitable outcomes along with the feeling at times that we just cannot handle it all any more. Somehow we do handle it, we just keep going, doing our best and feeling that our best is not good enough, it is.

I think that we set ourselves impossible standards, we expect too much of ourselves, and often other people do too, and perhaps we need to lower our expectations of both ourselves and what is feasible in the current situation to reduce our stress levels and the resultant irritability. I have learned to leave the room when I realise that I am becoming really irritated, and sometimes we need to follow our instinct to just pull the duvet over our heads for while, things can feel better when we have taken time out like this and perhaps slept, constantly fighting exhaustion can also lead to irritability.

Reading your post has just made me realise that we need to find a time in the day when we remove our nurse/carer uniform and the responsibility which goes with it and just be together like we used to, thank you.
Try not to get too frustrated with your caree for refusing to shower. He's just trying to control whatever aspects of his life he can because he's going to feel pretty much out of control right now. Try to look on the bright side - at least he's having a wash, some of us have problems trying to get our caree's to manage that much.

We all have days (or even months in my case) where we wish we could just hibernate and leave everything to the housework fairy. That's normal. Try to find a little time each day to reward yourself in some way for the jobs you have done - even if it's just a shower with your favourite shower gel or a few pages of a book, anything that you enjoy is fine because it'll help you to feel better and you don't always have to go out if you don't want to.
Hi and welcome to the forum.
I care for my husband at the moment,(not terminal) but up until 2 years ago also cared for my Dad who had lung cancer.
I remember well the isolation, frustration and occasional disagreements we had, followed by my feeling guilty for answering him back. ( although looking back, I think sometimes Dad liked a good row, he was always quite feisty in his younger days)

People on the 'outside' do not understand the deep range of feelings you have.

I hope you will post on here often, everyone here is lovely, you will find people always willing to send warm hugs, or just be here for you when you need a few shoulders to cry on

Take care
Having never been in this situation I have no wonderful words of comfort other than {{{{hugs}}}}. There is one thing that struck me about what you said though
But do they really mean " I will come and sit with him whenever you want" = not on your life.
Why not...it sounds like you do need at least an hour of...it's not wrong to have a break surley that will help ease any tension before rows start? I can understand you not wanting to leave him in case anything horrible happens...but perhaps they can come and sit with him while you simply go to a friends up the road with your moblie phone or even just in another room to read/relax/ garden to do gardening ?? again I don't have any experiance to go on to know if these suggestions are just all out of the ball park.
Just wanted to send you a ((HUG)) from the scottish highlands.

I so feel for your changing situation and can not offer a solution, but this forum saved my sanity, I hope it will be some help to you too.

Take care
You needn't feel guilty about your feelings xstitchgirl, though I know you may anyway. You're not doing anything wrong and it's not selfish to want your own life.
I can't give you the time to curl up under a blanket with tea and chocolate (I wish I could... I've been to that place too without having the time to actually do it! Image ) but come on the forum, let your feelings out, maybe even have a journal just to write it all down into (I used to) and hopefully that will take some of the edge off and make things easier.

And if anyone could help look after your husband and give you a bit of time and peace of mind, it's probably worth asking, even if it feels awkward. It may help in the long run.