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93 is a difficult age - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

93 is a difficult age

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Koala wrote:My mother is rapidly getting worse, barely eating, rarely moving. I am completely on my own, and unwell myself.
sorry to hear about your situation hope you are feeling better soon.
Sorry to hear that Koala, having worked in an outback hospital, I know how vast the distances can be. Is there a Community Health Nurse in your area? How about the GP?
Juggler - absolutely! I hadn't thought of it that way, but from now on I shall. Thank you. I know I said my 'goodbyes' to my husband as I sat beside him in bed, with him gradually fading more and more each day, into total unrousable unconsciousness - it was a kind of letting go for me, and, I hope, a letting him free, for him, to escape his stricken body.

Kind thoughts to all of us who have to witness that most mysterious of all transitions, from life into death, which, in its own way, is as wondrous as the creation of new life when we witness birth.
Koala, all I can say at this most grievous time for you, is to say, hold her hand, keep that physical contact with her, and talk to her. However unresponsive she may be, the hospice nurses for my husband told me that hearing was the last sense to fade, and that they can hear us, even if they don't appear to.

Perhaps now is the time to tell her all the things that you may still wish to say to her.

Or perhaps only to hold her hand quietly, and be her son.

Wishing you strength, courage, and above all, a son's love for his mother, at this time.

Kindest thoughts, Jenny.
Susieq- that poem about the ship leaving us - and arriving 'elsewhere' is a most beautiful one. I've come across it before, on my widow's forum, and it never fails to move me, nor fails to bring comfort and reassurance.
I'm in the suburbs and so could get a doctor to visit, but I don't think we have anything like a community nurse. The trouble is, I don't think Mum is ill as such, for instance a UTI. She seems bright, even almost normal on occasion. My feeling is indefinable and impossible to describe.

Getting food into her works sometimes, but not at others. She's having cheese, a chocolate milk drink and yoghurt at the moment, but at other times she won't eat exactly the same thing. I'm losing track of how much she is eating of proper meals (which are cut up and pretty well "mushy" to make them easier to eat.)

Sometimes she will walk as normal, at other times she says she wants to stay in bed. I can't rely on any previous routine.

At times she'll look through old photos as per normal, or ask a question or even make a joke, and then it changes back to just lying in bed, even to eat.

I'm not feeling it's time to panic and call an ambulance, or that she is ill, just that the routine is suddenly all over the place (well, for a week or something), but then being ill myself I've had to change the routine anyway. The weather has also suddenly become cold and Mum's heater has chosen now to stop working. Maybe with grey outside and a nip in the air, there's no incentive for Mum to get out of the warm bed. Especially as I'm working on about one cylinder and not really capable of talking and joking her through the day.

I hope this makes sense.
Not much help I don't suppose but I'm replying to you just to let you now my heart goes out to you Koala........... your posting brings back so many memories of my Dads last few weeks and it was just torture to watch .... I gave up trying to force feed him in the end because he simply spat it back at me ....... so much pain and distress not only for him but for all of us trying to do our best..... All I can say now is that I'm glad we did what he asked and let him stay at home until the morning he died although he passed in hospital he had only been there for half an hour before he went.... pneumonia was the cause of death but we were all with him and he died very peacefully hope this helps you to feel less alone my friend xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Koala, you have received such wonderful advice already, im not sure I can add much but there is something I wanted to say.

Although the reason I joined this forum (about 4 yrs ago) was for support in caring for my daughter.
In 2012, I suddenly found myself involved heavily in caring for my 91 yr old mum who went from being independent within the home to practically helpless when she passed away 7 months later.

I posted here for advice on numerous issues because although I'm a practical person, I was scared. I knew that she was coming to the end of her life and although I could do the caring willingly, inside I felt like a child..I wanted someone to stop the process, take the responsibility away. I didn't want mum to die, I wanted her to get better.
People here understood (I didn't need to explain how I felt) and in a virtual manner held my hand until the end came..and also afterwards.

For what it may be worth, there is a whole group of people who are with you, just at the end of your fingertips when you enter this site. Men and women, we have loved and lost and our thoughts are with you. You're not alone.

Just wanted to say that x
My sympathies are with you Koala. I think it's best with a situation like this to try to accept the limitations of what you can do for your mother, as opposed to constantly seeking solutions, because sadly, sometimes there really are none.

Try to take a break from caring whenever you can, and take care of yourself - your health is important too.