I suspect this person has BPD - how to cut contact?

[Helen_2106]

Without making him worse? Does this sound like BPD to anyone?

I met this guy online. We became close as you can be online I suppose and we discussed meeting when travel restrictions allow.

I will add here that I have a propensity to be attracted to intense people. I’m certainly not perfect myself.

He quickly became very intense with me, asking me to promise him that I’ll marry him and I’ll never leave him. He also said that if I come to visit him, he won’t let me go home. I thought he was joking at first but now I’m wondering tbh!

He would get very agitated with me if I didn’t answer his texts quickly. And he doesn’t seem to understand or accept that I have my own life and can’t always reply right away. At night, he would write me lots of disordered sounding messages about how he’s always the person that nobody loves, I will never want to meet him and he’s going to go out and crash his motorbike. This would also be concurrent with oversharing announcements on FB about how he can’t go on fighting any more. Then these messages would be deleted the next day. If I tried to discuss with him the distressing messages I had woken up to, it was as if it never happened. He simply would not open up.

I’ve reached the point of knowing that although I do have feelings for him, no good is going to come from engaging with him. I do feel sad for him because it’s obvious he’s in genuine pain.

For example, if he video calls me and I don’t pick up, even if I explain why, he goes into a big sulk, only replying to my messages with one word answers. Or not at all. If I ask him to explain how he’s feeling, he won’t. It feels as though he thinks I need to be punished.

Because I suspect that he has some sort of disorder, I don’t want to block him and make him feel worse. But whatever this is, it’s toxic. How can I cut communication without hurting him more than he already is?

[Ayjay]

How can I cut communication without hurting him more than he already is?

I don't know, but I'm 100% sure it's the right decision.

There's just too many danger signs for this to proceed to a contented and rewarding relationship for you.

[Melly1]

Hi Helen,

I think your gut reaction is right - going to meet and having a face to face relationship with this person would not be wise. I suggest you are honest with him as soon as possible - the longer it goes on the harder it will be. Let him know how much you have appreciated and enjoyed his company through the pandemic but that now life is returning to normal, you have more commitments and pressures on your time. Say you'd like to stay in touch and suggest for example that you a weekly phone call at a set time (or whatever you decide.) Then stick to this. If he contacts you outside of this time, just let your phone go to voicemail etc This will be tough, but if you don't set boundaries now, you will be drawn in and he will keep finding reasons to get you to engage with him.

Melly1

[bowlingbun]

I'd block him.

[Helen_2106]

Thank you for your responses. I have noticed that me suggesting a time to speak to him is like red rag to a bull. He needs me to be at his beck and call, otherwise I simply don’t care and this reinforces his self talk about nobody loving him. Hence, I don’t think he is at all receptive to healthy boundaries.

If I’m ill in bed he doesn’t care either. Or rather, he can’t.

[bowlingbun]

That tells you everything you need to know.
I doubt you are the first person he has been like this with, and won't be the last.
Make it VERY clear that you want nothing to do with him.

Are you afraid of him?

[Helen_2106]

I agree. It’s obviously a behaviour pattern he has over and over.

[Melly1]

Thank you for your responses. I have noticed that me suggesting a time to speak to him is like red rag to a bull. He needs me to be at his beck and call, otherwise I simply don’t care and this reinforces his self talk about nobody loving him. Hence, I don’t think he is at all receptive to healthy boundaries.

If I’m ill in bed he doesn’t care either. Or rather, he can’t.

Then you know what to you will have to do, don't you. End it.

Melly1

[Helen_2106]

Melly, yes I really don’t have any choice.

Should I tell him I’m going to cut contact or just do it? I feel bad that I might make him worse. I know I didn’t cause him to be this way but he clearly is so tortured.

[bowlingbun]

We are all responsible for our own happiness.