garndmother sent home to die

[bonniemeomy]

my grandmother was discharged today to be sent home to let nature takes it couse, she has no idea, she is that unwell. my mother and her sister and brother have decided not to tell her.
she is 91 years old this sunday 15th july and she is of full mind, better memory than me.
we are all taking it in turns to care for her, its hard for me as i have had to get someone to help hubby as hes also disabled. what i want to ask, if my nan asks me should i tell her the truth, i would hate to have to lie. its a sad time and i would really love to say good bye and let her be allowed to have the same dignity to also say good bye. hospital says she will be pain free. any help would be appreciated.
thankyou, i am new here today.
-x- bonnie me o my

[snoopy]

Hello there and welcome to the forum.

I personally believe that each case is individual in this question - e.g. I know that my 87 year old Mum would hate to be told a bad prognosis. She's been telling me for years she thinks it's wrong that people are told they are dying - she lied to her mother that she had an incurable disease. (Mum can't even say the "C" word!)

So I think you and your family need to draw on the knowledge you have of your grandmother and make the decision based on that personal knowledge.

Hope the decision goes as easily as it can.

Best wishes, snoopy

[amy green]

I realise this is a very sensitive and pertinent issue. Is it possible to initially address the topic generally, e.g. "some people like to be told if they don't have much time left. What do you feel about this?" Hope this helps and that you can spend quality time with her, while she is still with you.

[poppett]

My late mother made it easy for us.....She said she was going to bed to "Wait for God". Told the GP the same thing and he had no problem with that.........District nurses thought she should be made to get up and sit in a chair every day and she told them quite clearly where to go. If I print what she said I will be banned!!

However throughout her long struggle with dementia prior to the cancer getting a grip of her I always told the truth, just didn`t embelish it any as she had a 3 second memory, and other visitors were encouraged to do the same, life was so much easier that way.

Best of luck

Take care
Meg

[rosemary]

Hi Bonnie,

Welcome to forum.

When emotions are running high in these times it can be so hard to know what to do for the best.Whose feelings should come 1st,yours or your grans.You dont want to lie if she asks you a question but can you really be sure she wants to hear the truth.

The part of your posting that stood out for me was...

my mother and her sister and brother have decided not to tell her.

The last thing you want is to go against their wishes and possibly have a family fall out.It happens so many times.
As well as members here sharing their thoughts with you,is there any chance you can sit down with your mam,your aunty and uncle and explain to them how you yourself feel.Between you all you know your gran best and hopefully after discussing this you can all come to a decision where all parties are agreeable.
My heart goes out to you all and I hope together you find the strength to see you through this.

Be strong
Rosemary

[charles47]

Good advice, Rosemary.

[Myrtle]

Hi Bonnie
I should just say to your mum that you can't lie, so what do you say if she asks you and in the mean time if she does ask you say something like 'we are all going to die sometime' which is perfectly true, but hopefully not immediately.
It is hard for you, but you are going to need your family to lean on very soon and they are going to need you. Talk to each other.

[LynneG]

Re. "White Lies", personally I do believe there comes a time when they have a place in the 'strategy' for coping & caring. Every decision like this is intensely peronal, I know, but don't you think it would be confusing & distressing for your Grandmother if she were being told different (opposite) things by different family members? And this just at the very time when you all want her last weeks/months to be peaceful, within a harmonious family.

It may well be that (being a wise old lady) she knows full well what's what, but prefers not to discuss it; in which case she may never ask the sort of question you are dreading. There are other ways of 'maintaining her dignity' than presenting her with a bald truth she may not wish to talk about.

Only my opinon of course, I wish you all the best ...

Lynne