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Feeling angry - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Feeling angry

For issues related to specific conditions and disabilities.
Marie, I totally understand, my husband had a severe stroke last November, it has left him disabled down the left side, he now needs me to do everything for him he can’t stand on his own, I have moments of feeling angry at why this has happened to us , I have seen very little improvement in him and I’m trying to adjust to this new normal
I agree with Pet, that it is helpful to view it as your husband's condition that is annoying you and making you feel angry and understandably so. The way your life has changed is enough to make anyone feel angry and upset.

It must be very limiting having him eating his meals at those times, though nice that he goes to bed so early - then you have the rest of the afternoon and evening to yourself. What does he do in bed from 4pm onwards? Can you use this time to relax, garden, go for a walk, have a SD meet with a friend etc?

I think I would be of the same mind as Sunny disposition and Ayjay about inching the time of lunch gradually later. Does he have a morning coffee and biscuits or bacon sandwich or whatever between breakfast and lunch? This might mask the fact that you are incrementally moving lunch later (even by 5 minutes every few days.) I suppose it all depends on how he knows the time? Is it is his watch or the kitchen clock or by the programmes on TV etc or his internal body clock? Whichever it was I think I would be working out how to alter them slightly every few days until HIS 9.45 is really 9.50 ...9.55 ... until you get to midday or whatever.

Finally forgive me if its not a good idea, but does he like music? If so, playing one of his favourite tracks whilst he is in the shower, might make him stay in a little longer.

Did he shower better in hospital? Some folk are more co-oerative for people in uniform. He may co-operate better for a paid carer in a uniform. I know he has refused any help, but this isn't just about him - it's about what you need too and you don't want to live with someone with poor hygiene.

I feel sure that some good quality counselling would help you lose the anger, and decide how you can balance what you want, with your husband's condition. You CANNOT be forced to care for him.

I understand that you didn't ask for or want this, but it is the hand in life you have been dealt.
I didn't ask to be widowed at 54 either.
I didn't ask for an untrained midwife without supervision to be responsible for the birth of my second son either.
He was brain damaged at birth, giving our whole family a life sentence.
I didn't ask to be hit head on by an 18 year old boy racer, leaving me unable to walk properly.
I didn't ask to be given 30 tons of vintage lorry spares to sell.
I didn't ask to have cancer.

Being angry doesn't solve anything, although it is very understandable, but being permanently angry is horrible for you and all around you.
It took me ages to work through my feelings. I CANNOT change what happened, but I CAN change how I react to things. I don't want to be remembered as a miserable bitch who bit everyone's heads off at the injustice of it all, although believe me it would have been very easy at times!

You are going through a grief process right now, anger is quite normal. No one can tell you what to do, that's not what counselling is about, but it can make you decide what you want for your own future. That is your right.

Your life isn't over, but it isn't going the way you wanted it to, it's not fair, but who said life would be fair?
Hello Marie
I do know how you feel. My husband has cognitive brain damage, and I have been looking after him for 7 and a half years at home. It is better than it was but no-one really knows how bad it feels. How bad I feel for feeling angry, bitter, resentful. I think one comment was wise, about the fact that at the bottom it is anger at the situation, really. But it does feel like anger towards HIM. Sometimes I am permanently irritated. And yes, I have had all the help and respite I can, but the covid restrictions have meant he does not go out to his few hours of activities a week, so we are at home all the time, together in a small house. As a woman who is prone to depression and anxiety it is not easy. I don't know what the answer is. I find meditation, counselling etc help. I have to try to view my life from a different perspective. And his life too. And try to find some spiritual purpose and meaning in it all, when I can. If it is any help at all, you are not alone and I do think this life can be very cruel. But never, ever feel bad for being angry. We are only human and doing a superhuman job.