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My husband is delusional and I'm trapped - Carers UK Forum

My husband is delusional and I'm trapped

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi,

I'm a immigrant to the country I met my husband seven years ago we have a son and daughter together. I got a little insight to some of his unreasonable behaviour early on but I attributed it to being in a long distance relationship for four years prior.

When I finally immigrated, his behaviour became progressively worse, he believes his own delusions and I find it exhausting trying to keep grounded into reality while being sucked into his unreasonable behavior. I have no support system, no family, no friends, I'm not allowed these things so I'm forced to keep up an exhausting facade with no way out.

My oldest daughter who is 14 wanted to push the baby buggy along side me as we walked down the High Street, he told me that it's child endangerment and he will get me deported and take my kids away. He uses my children as a threat all the time. Its not something over and done with it will resort to hours of harassment over minor things.

He claims to have the house bugged to watch me, which is untrue. Then makes up nonsense scenarios he claims he's seen.

He once held my oldest daughter and I hostage in a room for hours because he thought we were plotting against him, he would repeat himself in circles demanding answers which drove both of us to tears and resorted in me using physical violence to get us out of the room.

This all came about because earlier in the day my daughter said it was her dream to see New Zealand one day. This infuriated him and he spun a whole delusion around it.
He hangs on the cusp of being completely normal which makes it hard for me, after a break down in front of his family over his delusions and me getting fed up, his extended family which were friendly before will no longer talk to us. He accused me of hiding his clothes to keep him from taking showers in front of them. Which is an odd topic to bring up to begin with.


I'm essentially trapped, I have no home and no family to go back to. He had forced me into signing a parental responsibility agreement using black mail that he will stop sponsoring me and take my kids away.

We both work and are working class, neither of us have any money, and not being a citizen I'm not entitled to any help.

There have been many times where he repeats himself for hours while trapping me. Once I resorted into jumping out in traffic during a red light, another time I tried to climb out a second story window.

I can't cope with this anymore, I have made reports to the police to document this in case something terrible happens to one of us. I'm essentially powerless and this madness is going to come to a head one day.

What can I do to get him help
The first thing to check is your right to stay in the UK if you are separated/divorced, something I know nothing about.

However I believe that in your circumstances, HE could be made to leave the family home where you live with the children.
Is the family home owned, or rented?

Have you spoken to Social Services?
Are both children his?
Hi Bowlingbun,

I have leave to remain now and in 2 years I will have indefinite leave to remain, we are private tenants and there is no way I can keep this place on my own.

In the mean time I can't seek any help, I have no recourse to public funds. My youngest two are his my youngest boy is 5 he was born in the US and is not considered a UK citizen because we have to pay to get him registered our baby daughter 2 is a UK citizen by birth.

I also work to sponsor my oldest two American children, which don't want to go back to US for too many reasons to count, so essentially our family will be split up if I leave him.

However he's irrational, controlling, and I feel like I'm forced to suffer through this, I do believe if he was medicated he'd be a different person. I have tried to talk to him many times about treatment in the kindest way I can. It usually spirals into a conspiracy against him and that I'm crazy for suggesting it.

No one in the house can tolerate him even my youngest boy has been in tears trying to get him to stop. My kids spend most their time with friends to avoid him, I also work full time and my baby daughter was diagnosed with Autism just recently. So the quality of life for us all has been driven down mainly because of his problems.

His brother is a diagnosed schizophrenic which is something I never knew until after our youngest daughter was born.

I wish there was a way to fight this but I'm powerless and looking for answers.
Also I want to go to social services, I've threatened before to just do it.

He claims he can fabricate stories if I seek help, one story is that I burned my children with a curling iron, which was just my 14 year old daughter asking me to curl her hair and she moved and got burned on her neck. It was nothing but an accident and so tiny it barely left a mark.

Another thing he claims to have recorded me going into the house to get the buggy while I left the kids in their car seats. This is within 10 ft of the front door.

Another time he said leaving my smaller children with my 16 and 14 year old while I head to the corner store is neglect.

I don't believe any of his threats nor am I bothered by it, but upsetting him means the possibility of him revoking my visa and us going back to US and that is something I would rather put myself through misery to avoid. Either outcome is not very nice.

Do you think Social Services could do anything besides separating us? Honestly I can't get him to seek help willingly.
Your daughter may be entitled to Disability Living Allowance if her needs are significantly more than a child her age. Make sure YOU make the application, ideally with support from someone who has done forms like this before.
She should have help as soon as possible, there might be a special needs playschool near you. In this way, you can involve Social Services and Education, concentrating on her needs. In turn, this will give you the opportunity to talk about the problems at home which will be affecting all the children in the family, and your husband's mental health.
My son has severe learning difficulties, I would urge you to make friends with other mums who have a child with special needs, so that you don't feel so isolated.
If there is a local Mencap branch, join that too, and when school starts, join the Parent Teacher Association, join in with the carol services, summer fetes, etc. etc. If he complains, tell him you are doing it for HIS children.
My son will be 41 next year, but the mums I met a the playschool are now lifelong friends. Parents of "normal" children just don't get it.
Your husband sounds terrible.
Are you speaking with your children's schools. Social Services are about keeping families together.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguard ... rotection/

https://www.england.nhs.uk/wp-content/u ... -guide.pdf

read the above... I think you as a family fit quite a few categories.

You can contact Citizens Advice, The Salvation Army there are loads of charities who will help you.
Dear K_1912,
Thank you for posting in the forum. I am sorry to hear about this situation with your partner. Thank you for forum members who have replied with information.

We have just sent you a private message. I hope this information will help, but if you have any questions about this message, please do let us know.

Best wishes
Lucy