Will this ever end ?

[Debra_16011]

Hi I have posted previously regarding my schizophrenic son. He has now moved into supported accommodation and is doing very well on the whole so I actually began to think life would start to improve for my husband and me. How wrong am I ! My son is coming home at random times sometimes we find him here when we wake up sometimes he comes when he is bored and sometimes when distressed. I already have him here for the day every Sunday and I visit him twice in the week also he knows I will come and talk to him whenever he is in crisis. I feel that's a lot of support seeing as im working full time in a very stressful job too. A new development this week my husband now says he is severely depressed and feels suicidal. He has had episodes in the past and was treated with medication but he doesn't want to see the Dr as they said next time he becomes depressed he will have to stay on medication permanently. This evening he has been snapping at me constantly and it's wearing me down now. It feels selfish but I feel like I have swapped one problem for another and it feels never ending. Sorry for the long rant

[jenny lucas]

Oh Lord! I know this sounds trivial, but maybe you and your husband could do with a holiday 'away from it all'.

The question is - how to 'manage down' your son's continual contact with you and 'encourage' his independence more (which sounds like he's made a start on it with the supported living - in a way, though, it can be 'natural' that he might go through a post-moving-out phase where he sort of 'panics' that he's left home, and wants to come back to reassure himself 'home' is still where it used to be? So I guess being 'less availalbe' to him is necessary - which is something I know you will have to 'steel' yourself to, as it's natural maternal instinct to be 'on call'.

As for your husband, do you think this is a kind of post-stress reaction to his son moving out - as in, he held it together while your son was at home, but now he is away your husband feels he can 'collapse' more?

I dont' feel his doctor was very helpful - probably frustrated in his response - and it has to be good that your husband does NOT want to 'live on ADs permanently' - because it means he sees his current mental state as 'abnormal' rather than 'normal'....ie, he wants to 'improve'.

Has he had any counselling for his depression/suicidal thoughts? This would seem to be indicated, surely, however much - as a man! - he may not wish to discuss his feelings......

Right now, you have been cast as 'superwoman' holding everything together - and the strain is showing.

[Debra_16011]

Thank you for your kind words Jenny. My husband has had counselling in the past and found it helpful but he doesn't want to try it again. We argued into the night last night and it didn't help that right in the middle my son let himself in as he had forgotten his bag ! My son isn't my husband's son and although they get on fine my husband totally blames my son for how he is feeling. I have asked my son to give us some space so my husband can recover but I feel guilty as my son has a severe mental illness and needs my help as much as my husband. You're right we do need a holiday but can't afford one this year although we are planning some day trips. I feel like I always have to choose which one to help and at times feel like walking away from both of them. (I never would but they don't understand how this make me feel )

[bowlingbun]

Maybe if you did go on holiday for a few days your son would leave your house alone and so your OH would get a break? Maybe just go away for a weekend, away Saturday morning, back Sunday PM with your phone switched OFF. It might make both of them realise how much they depend on you.
Do something YOU want to do for a change, even if that means stay in bed and rest?!

[Debra_16011]

Thanks bowling bun I was tempted to do just that I have a friend who would love to stay but I'm haunted by the fact my husband is suicidal and especially if my phone was off I would be terrified by what I'm coming home to. He tell me often that I have to be strong for him and if he didn't have me here he couldn't cope. I know he doesn't mean to but it puts massive pressure on me even when I've had a bad day at work I feel I can't confide in him now I just hope he sees sense soon and goes to the Dr's

[bowlingbun]

Could your husband be making these threats to control you?
Have you ever had counselling to help you decide what you really want in respect of husband and son? It seems that you are trapped as "piggy in the middle". Does anyone ever consider what YOU want?

[jenny lucas]

Er, I see absolutely NO reason why YOU have to be strong for HIM.

He is definitely trying to control you!

The kindest thing to say about him is that he is like a drowning man who will drown their rescuer by pushing them under the water to try and get a foothold themselves.

It is absolutely and totally inexcusable behaviour.

Is it really worth having a man like this in your life? I know that sounds callous, but bottom line, IS IT??????????