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Want to leave my husband - Carers UK Forum

Want to leave my husband

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi, I am really struggling to cope with my husband who has general anxiety.

He Is so argumentative all the time and he can't see it. It's been two years now and I've been pregnant in that time and have a almost 3 year old.
I really feel like its wearing thin on me now. The anxiety I can deal with. The shaking / sweating / social anxiety etc but the moods, the snappy/ stressy tone and constant atmosphere are driving me to the point of depression. I want my kids to Be happy. I want to leave but feel so guilty on everyone.
Hello Coyla
Welcome to the forum.
Many of us caring for people with mental health problems can identify with those feelings of frustration, guilt (unfounded!) and depression. It goes on for so long and seems unremitting.
Here's a link to some quick fixes to lift your own mood
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... mood-27182

I hope hubby is getting some professional help, if not he must as it doesn't just get better on its own, but I do understand that its difficult to persuade him this is necessary. The charity Heads Together is currently running a campaign aimed at men, you might find ways of getting him to look a their website or facebook.

But that's enough about him, this forum is for you.Things that help are:
Time to yourself without him (soemtimes without the kids too, if possible)
Fresh air
Eating healthily
Some kind of mindfulness or yoga
Repeatedly telling yourself this is not your fault
Having support from friends/family
Tell your GP how you are feeling, as well as medication he may have links to counselling or other well-being therapies
Learning to be assertive, I.e. not aggressive or submissive but in the middle

Also, just because hubby has anxiety, imho, that's no reason why he has to be unreasonable. He can still mind his manners and his mood, using similar tools to those listed for you. He is still capable of helping around the house. You may need to tread slowly and carefully at first building self esteem and confidence, lots of praise and encouragement.

Sorry if I've got on my high horse and given too much at once. Key is to look after yourself physically and mentally first, then kids then him. If you don't look after yourself the rest will fall apart

Hi Coyla, welcome to the forum. I quite understand how torn you are feeling. When I was in a very difficult situation, I was referred to counselling. This gave me the courage and confidence to make some big changes.
Have you told your GP or anyone else how you are feeling. I believe everyone is ultimately responsible for theii own happiness, and where children are concerned, they must take priority.
I agree, I don't think he has any reason not to watch his mood. He has no family and no friends so relies on me heavily. I am quite an aggressive person as had a troubling past as well as him but I have managed to reign it in a lot since having children. If only he could do the same. I have told him multiple times I want to break up but never end up going through with it because I'm torn between all those emotions. When he Is good he Is great. I guess I'm getting a little fed up with the lack of control or seemingly the care to control himself so we don't split up. He just jumps all in with anger. I rarely get to have me time with two young children and no support. I am so tired and exhausted. I know he can control it ignore he tries because I've seen him do it but it inly lasts a few days.
It sounds like you both have a lot of "baggage". Counselling should help you have a happier future, and help you decide what you really want.
Yes, I agree. It's great that you have come to a 'better place' since your troubled past, and it's a shame to 'waste' that, if your see what I mean.

Do you have any understanding of why your husband is so anxious (and does he?!) - I'm a firm believer that we cannot 'heal' our troubled minds without understanding what made them troubled in the first place. Once we know why we are why we are, we can start to change things for the better. The change might be something like CBT - ie, just changing our habits of mind, etc.

Anxiety is not 'rational' as in, it does not equably evaluate the ACTUAL risks of whatever it is we are anxious about ('everythjing' sometimes!), but slants everything towards the 'worst possible'. Living in fear and stress is not good for us, but in a way it's an extension of 'cave man psychology' where every slight noise might be a sabre toothed tiger approaching etc. So, in a way, being 'anxious' (alert) is a 'normal' and indeed life-preserving quality, but in our pretty safe modern age (luckily) it can just get in the way of being able to appreciate all that we DO have.

The longer someone has 'anxiety' the more that state of mind normalises, and that is why things like CBT are good to 'retrain' the mind.

Aggression and bad temper are never tolerable as a 'way of life'. The old phrase 'keep your temper - nobody wants it!' is very apt. I would call up your husband short every time he starts on you and simply say 'Look, I don't snap at you, so don't snap at me!' - and walk away.

Living in an 'atmosphere' is NOT good for your children - and could lead to THEM having problems in later life.That has to be your greatest concern right now.

Two thoughts - do you think your husband may have Aspergers? It wasn't well know in my youth, but when I started reading descriptions of male behaviour with Aspgerers' I though 'Wow, this is my husband!'.....it made a lot of sense (only mild, but definitely 'there')(he 'mellowed' a lot as he aged thankfully) (the anger could be very fierce and very sudden, and he had huge difficult being 'sympathetic' to me!)

Secondly, have you done an 'escape plan'? I would go through the exercise of drawing one up, starting with Finances and ending with Child Access etc.

Then, at least you would have some real ideal of whether you could make it happen. It will be your choice, and, in a way, it could be the wake up call your husband needs.

However, be warned by the sister of someone I know. They had a 'difficult and unappreciative' husband whom she finally walked out on - only to find HERSELF blamed by her children, and him,.....and instead of rushing after her and throwing himself on her and begging her forgiveness for being such an insensitive brute....he went off with another woman.....blissfully believing HE had been 'wronged'....
Hi Coyla
Like when disciplining children, it is never good to threaten one thing then not carry it through, so be careful what you threaten. With children if a parent keeps saying "do that again and it will be bed" and then lets the child keep repeating the behaviour but not then sending them to bed, all the child learns is that they can carry on without consequence. As you have threatened to leave hubby several times, subsequent similar threats will be falling on deaf ears.

Better by far that you work out what you really want and how to get it (and btw a perfect changed hubby is not realistic). Its far better to clearly and calmly state what you want from him and set reasonable and achievable goal and timescales. Then, and only then if these are not met do you bring in whatever consequence was set. Basically don't say it if you don't mean it.

These days you can self refer yourself for cbt therapy by googling your area nd mental health. Your nhs area may offer sessions by phone or online initially which will get you on the route of working out what you do want.

Has hubby had a definite diagnosis? Or is it just an assumption following years of his hiding in weed? Dealing with any addiction is hard and needs to come from the addict. It's very stressful on those around who can do little except support and worry.

Have you decided to leave him?
I'm in exactly the same position, feeling the same as you, but I don't have kids. Married for 4 years, I can't stand this anymore.
Should I leave him?
Unfortunately Andrea we haven't heard from Coyla since she posted a year ago. Hopefully she set notifications and will see you've responded.
Would you like a thread of your own? Can we help you?

Yes, do start a thread of your own if you like!

What would happen if you DID leave your husband? Have you got an 'escape plan' set up?

It's sensible to try and set out a 'feasibility project' that looks at things like - where would I live, what would I live on, how long to get a divorce, what sort of financial settlement would there be if I did?

etc etc etc.

Looking at it 'rationally' can help you make a decision, so you don't just 'bolt' in a kind of 'blind panic' or 'breakpoint from sheer stress', etc etc etc.

How would your husband react if you did leave?

Do you think it would shock him into 'improving'?

Or would he just (a) go off with another woman (men do, you know!) (b) dig his heels in and make it REALLY difficult for you to 'separate' or (c) (most dangerous of all)....get angry.....or suicidal????

I'm not saying that HIS reaction is YOUR responsibility ,but it is sensible to 'think ahead' as to what it is likely to be, so that you can prepare yourself for it.

Leaving a relationship is emotionally very hard, but sometimes the only 'life-saving' thing to do. But there are practicalities too, that need to be addressed as well,.

What do you say the situation is with yourself?