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Unhinged Indecisive & feeling pulled in all directions help! - Carers UK Forum

Unhinged Indecisive & feeling pulled in all directions help!

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Some background info on me before dive into what's going on w me currently. F, late 20s diagnosed with bi polar disorder. Had one psychotic break I was hospitalized for in my early 20s. Since then my attempts at treating it have been few and far between. Currently not on medication.

Over the past few years I've deteriorated and stagnated. I moved a long distance a few years ago to be with my boyfriend. Currently unemployed but made money from camming for a while then slowly stopped doing that as much. I barely even leave the house these days. Covid of course didn't help much with that but I was already on my way there before the pandemic. I decided I wanted to move back home closer to where I grew up and then changed my mind. Honestly really not sure what I want when it comes to that atm. Either way I visited home recently and came to that decision again and now I'm coming to regret it.

When I visited I found out my mom's boyfriend is a difficult person. I had been under the impression that they were happy but when it came to letting me stay with them during my visit he made me very uncomfortable. He thought I was hanging out with my friends too much and staying out too late (mind you I'm almost 30 and this was my first time meeting him). Had I known he'd be so volatile about how I spent my trip I would have made other arrangements. Their fight got really nasty and he was drunk (I was out when it happened) but afterwards i got pressured into staying with them again by my mom who basically broke down my boundaries. I did it anyways because I wanted to see her and was frankly worried but it was very stressful being around him when he'd made me so uncomfortable from the get go. So basically at that point I was feeling vulnerable but was also worried about my mom who seemed to be in a bad situation.

We also have some very aggressive extended family members who pushed us into traveling for a family event at the last second. My cousin called up my mom drunk saying a lot of really cruel things to her, etc. We ended up going regardless to see family etc.

Now I'm back where I live now. Currently feeling very stressed because I think by putting it out there that I want to move, I created this expectation from others that I have to. In fact this decision has started to feel like it's been hijacked by other people. It's been really difficult trying to find places. My mom and brother discussed getting a house together (also not a good time to look for houses). They offered to let me stay with them once they do and I can pay rent etc. I agreed and figured I'd look for a job with health insurance in the meantime while I stay with my boyfriend (even though things are complicated w us right now I feel safe here and have no problem staying while i figure stuff out and he says he has no problem with it either.)

The other day I get a call from my mom and aunt who proposed some stuff to me. Basically my mom needs to get out of her boyfriends place because it's a very toxic environment for her and there's no telling how long it could take to find a place. The solution they came up with was for her to stay with my cousin (the same one who gets drunk and bullies people) while she looks for a place. On top of that they both basically ambushed me with the fact that I should go too. On the one hand I want to be there for my mom who's having a tough time. On the other hand, I am also at basically a rock bottom and going and staying w this family member is something I don't trust or want to do. I feel like I'm in a situation where if I say no I'm going to be called up and reamed out or called a bad daughter. I agreed to it during the ambush and now I just feel weak and stupid for doing so. I'm in a bad place mentally and the thought of being in this situation has me feeling really unhinged. I feel like what I really need is help with my mental health, an income, insurance. I need stability. But now I have people like my mom pushing me to move, telling me what I should do; extended family roping me into these situations where I stay with them even though it isn't practical for me personally.

I definitely wouldn't say I'm okay right now. I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I just want help with my moods and to have some structure again in my life. All this outside pressure has me feeling really overwhelmed and anxious. I feel a deep self-loathing and disappointment in myself. Part of me feels like an utter failure who should just go with what other people want even though i don't like it (it's not like I'm cutting it right?) I feel like I don't even have the strength to assert myself. I don't know what I want but have ppl telling me what to do anyways. I feel like my mental health should be coming first before I make any big decisions but now that I've committed to all these things and feel like I'm being pulled in all these directions.

I just feel like I'm in a situation where people think they're being supportive but actually they're making me more stressed.

I thought about checking into a psych ward just to get out of dealing with it which feels really ridiculous even though I need help anyway.

What I really need help with is figuring out a way for me to get treatment because right now I feel like I'm in a fog where it's hard to focus and everything is tainted and I don't know how I can move forward until that stops. I'm also desperate for help in navigating these familial situations where people are pressuring me to do things a certain way. My friend said to me "it's not your job to take care of your mom," which I get but at the same time I do want to take care of my mom if she needs help but I'm barely taking care of myself anymore. I'm also mad at my mom for breaking down my boundaries and not talking to me one on one before roping me into this situation.

My life is really a mess rn and I don't know how to move forward but also know I don't want to pushed forward by other people in directions I don't like.

Plz help! :')
You are an adult. Do not allow yourself to be pushed around by others because they want or need something from you. Your family need to sort themselves out without you.