Time to walk away?

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
That does sound significantly more positive - well done!

I'm glad you are relatively financially secure - eg, that the mortgage is in your name etc etc - as that is reassuring for you, SHOULD you decide to 'make the break'.

However it does sound like you have started to shift him into 'I need to save my marriage!' mode, and him recognising finally just what is at stake here. And I would say you are achieving this because you are changing from 'enabling' mode to 'supporting' mode - ie, you are making clear (without aggression) how deep the problem is, and how you are seriously considering ending your relationship, and that is behaving like a real 'wake up' call for him.

It does sound like you are on the right track. Expect both 'kick back' and 'collapse' (and a kind of 'bluff calling' like 'Well, I'll leave straight away') but it DOES sound like he has started to realise that HE has to change, and change towards you (be nicer and more cheerful etc, as he has been doing). This may not last as in, he may have relapses, but providing he can still 'pick up' again, and that the lapses become rarer, the overall trend sounds like it could be upwards and onwards.

Make sure you 'reward' him when he is 'nice' so as to encourage him to 'stay nice' etc, and I definitely think the calm, non-aggressive attitude you are taking is the right one.

It's dreadful that a 'mere' physical need for painkillers has now become a mental/psychological/addictive one (I trhink Cocomodol is partly opiate, isn't it, hence the addictiveness?).

Maybe setting out some kind of 'timetable to happiness' would be helpful for him, to give him a framework, a ladder even, to gradually 'de-addict' himself, and move 'forward' to a 'happier place'. Can you maybe plan a late summer holiday, or something like that, a goal to work towards in a better joint future, so he can consider the investment of effort worthwhile?

I would say it will be 'slowly slowly' and definitely get whatever counselling etc is on offer with both hands, and maybe too is there a forum for those affected by painkiller addiction to help guide you through this time?

I also think, just as a layperson, that surely it must have negatively impacted him to have his father walk out, and a counsellor would help him explore, analyse and eventually come to terms with this??? This kind of thing can 'fester' if not addressed....

I do hope this relationship can be saved, an d moved onto a positive basis, for all your sakes.

Wishing you well, and it does sound like MAYBE your are turning the corner on this????!!!! I do hope so!

(Bbut do be prepared for 'set backs', so long as they are 'recoverable from'.)
See if you can get a cheap copy of "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Brancroft.
He does sound manipulative and abusive.
Also have a search "abuse" on https://www.psychologytoday.com/us.

I suffered 10 years of extreme domestic abuse. It just took me a while to get up and go! In reality, I should have left in the third year by them I'd reached my limit.

I also agree with the poster who said you can't fix him.
Daffy, out of interest, what answer does that book come up with?

To my mind there surely can only be two overall reason why some individuals (not always men!) are 'angry and controlling'.

The first is that they are seeing to get control of a situation they find scary and threatening, and that therefore this is a kind of 'reactive/defensive control'. For example, a man whose mother left him as a child could become a controller in respect of his wife, as he is scarred - and still scared - from having been abandoned as a child.

Such people are 'bad' (ie, what they do to their controllee is 'bad'), BUT they are also 'sad' (because they are 'only' that way because of 'bad stuff' done to them at some point)

However, the other type is far less 'excusable' (or 'forgiveable') - they are controllers because they get a kick out of doing it. They are, to be blunt, the psychopaths of this world, who have power-complexes about themselves, and just want the rest of the world to kow-tow to them for their own gratification. They can't make 'the world' kow-tow (unless they are terrorist or serial killers etc!), so they focus on getting one wretched individual into their power, and then tormenting them.

Nothing 'sad' about them - just bad all bad! (Now, WHY they are like that is a very, VERY difficult question - 'why psychopaths' is a toughie! One answer is that with about 10% of the human population reckoned to be psychopaths, from what I've read, the reason that they've 'stayed in the human gene pool' is that when the chips go down, they are very 'effective' at fighting etc - lacking any kind of empathy or feelings for other human beings, they can kill without compunction)(aparrently quite a high properotion of clinical psychos in the SAS etc - just as well they are on our side.....!!!!!). Also, statistically, as they are sexually ruthless as well, they tend to father a lot of children! (though women can be psychopaths too of course).

Maybe a third category for 'controllers' MIGHT be those who are, say non-neurotypical, where someone with, say, Aspgerers, can just find it very, very confusing, frustrating or downright threatening that 'other people' are 'messing up their lives'....so they need to exert a kind of 'blind control' over the other person, not really realising how suffocating that is for the 'messy person' being controlled.....

So, what does the book say?!!
jenny lucas wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:50 pm
Daffy, out of interest, what answer does that book come up with?
So, what does the book say?!!
I'm not going to give a synopsis, as each individual gets something different out a book. The reviews are pretty excellent on amazon.
I've just noticed that there is a fee pdf of this book if one does a search!
That's odd - surely there are general themes as to why people become controllers!

If the book only comes up with individual reasons for particular individuals, it can't be worth reading as it won't apply to anyone other than the case studies in the book!
jenny lucas wrote:
Fri Mar 23, 2018 10:32 am

If the book only comes up with individual reasons for particular individuals, it can't be worth reading as it won't apply to anyone other than the case studies in the book!
It is normal to read a book before one criticizes it. I am trying to help OP.

I stated previously there is a free pdf, which can be found on google. People can judge for themselves whether the book is helpful or not!

"Topics covered are the role of drugs and alcohol, early warning signs, abusive personality types, learning what you can and cannot fix, and how to safely leave an abusive relationship."
When one is stuck in a abusive relationship often people accept dysfunctional behaviors as the norm. This book should help people stuck in such a situation recognize that certain behaviors are not normal.
Sorry, wasn't trying to be critical outright, and I can see that the book seems to be taking a 'pro-victim' stance - ie, that is who it's written for, to give some encouragement, as well as warnings (eg, how to leave SAFELY - the MOST dangerous time is when they are 'on the run' from their controller!), from a practical point of view.

It still begs the question of WHY people become controllers - and this is not just a question 'for society' and intellectual interest, but for many victims it's very pertinent.

We know that many victims stay 'voluntarlily' in abusive relationships because they keep hoping that things will get better. Now, if my theory that SOME abusers are actually at heart 'sad' (eg traumatised by their own abandonment issues), there IS a chance that the abuser can be 'healed' (eg by psychotherapy), and that the relationshiop (in which both victim and oppressor may well have invested years of their lives!) IS potentially salvageable (ie, IF the abuser sorts themselves out!).

BUT, by contrast, IF the abuser is a psychopath, there is NO hope for the relationship at all - and no hope, sadly, for the psychopath (who is, after all, a 'doomed' human being - raises difficult moral questions, that one - what does society do with the pyschopaths!!!!!) (apart from putting thmin the SAS and controlling their behaviour draconionally!)

However, to get back to original point, and the OP, etc, then, yes, for most victims of abuse the only 'real hope' is to 'escape' and leave any 'rescuing/healing' of a 'sad' controller to someone else!