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Struggling... its all getting too much! - Carers UK Forum

Struggling... its all getting too much!

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
hi im new to all this, but just dont have anyone to talk to a need to vent.

Ibhave struggled in the past with depression and anxiety, but this last year i have been in a good place.

I am now a full time carer for my mum, she lives an hour from me so have to travel to and from hers. This is fine atm, just unsure how it will go once kids at school.

I am also caring for my husband. He has been suffering with anxiety and depression for around 5 year. He has only gotten help for this since march. This is due to lockdown effecting him even more.

He is on medication and on waiting list for counselling. His tried lots of meds and atm not found one that helps.

I am strugging with caring for 2 people, our 2 children, running a house, consultant for body shop and now need to find a full time job. Husband hasnt gone back to work and one of us need to work.

We are in financial difficulty (i know many ppl are atm) this puts strain on me as i try to juggle everything.

My husband moods ate effecting me and my children. His grabbed me a few times and the kids get very worried. He kicked off over a slightly burnt dinner last night. I was doing the dinner in a work meeting via zoom, ironing all at once. I didn't do it on purpose.

I try and get us to spend family time out as he doesnt like going out which is rubbing off on the kids. When i do get everyone out... this is a mission in its self. The day ends bad as he starts an argument so he can go home.

I feel my mental health is getting worse, even though i try to be positive all the time. I feel i could write and write on here all day.

I just dont know who to turn too. I dont have any friends. Just family and dont feel i csn express myself to them.
Hi Melissa,

welcome to the forum.

You are doing too much for one person and you need to look after you too. Where would they all be if you went under?! What you are doing is not sustainable. No wonder you slightly burned the dinner.

Your Mum needs care workers to provide her day to day support, so that you can go back to phoning and visiting her when you can manage and keeping a general eye that her needs are being met.

If your husband has grabbed you a few times - then you need to get support as he clearly isn't coping on the meds he is on and grabbing you isn't acceptable. I don't have experience with caring for folk with mental health problems, but perhaps notify who is involved in his care or your GP?

Personally, I would leave him at home when I take the children out to give you all a break from each other.

Melly1
Your workload is enormous. Time for a massive rethink.
Tell us more about mum first. How old is she?
What aspects of daily living does she need help with?
I understand of course that like every other mum, she just wants you and no one else. But she can't have you, and must accept that your family have to take priority.
Does she have over £23,000? Claim Attendance Allowance?

If your husband EVER lays a hand on you again, call the Police. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If he cannot control his temper he should no be living with you and the children until such time as he can. When he is feeling angry he needs to go to his room and stay there until he can behave.

How old are the children? Is there a "Young Carer" group in your area, that might accept them because your husband has a long term mental illness?

It would not be appropriat to discuss finances here, but the CUK helpline can go through everything with you in confidence if you ring them.
Talk away!!

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/Your-Situation

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/Get-Support

Talk to your children's schools. School are a wonderful source of help.
His grabbed me a few times and the kids get very worried
This needs to be nip in the bud. You need to make sure your husband knows. You know what to do if he should do this again.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

24 hour helpline 0808 2000 247 put this number in your phone.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/Tech-safety-tool

You are not alone!!
Hi Melissa

I agree your workload is impossible. Social services should arrange a care package for your mum..you have enough to deal with at home.

Multi tasking to that extent when you are trying to cook dinner is impossuble...chuck your ironing board out..or at least don't use it.

Your husband grabbing you..is this the first sign of anything like this..is he on a new medication or anything or is it the frustration of lockdown and money worries..does he do anything figuring the day..if he exercises each day that may help release pent up tension.

But whatever the reason, it is completely unacceptable.

Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to?

Its such a difficult time for so many oeople and the more people you care for the tougher it is.

You matter too, and you need to think of you as well by getting a care package for your mum that would help you. Driving there and back takes a big chunk out of your day ..too long with all your other responsibilities.

Does your husband do anything around the house. Is he able to cook the dinner?

How old are your children can they help at all with housework,
Thank you all for your kind words. I will try and answer all your questions.
Yes my work load is alot, i get carers element for my mum. As much as i hate driving to my mums going there 3 times a week is great as i get out my flat and ibget to spend time with a different adult.

My children are 9 and 7 .

When he changed over to his new medication, i noticed he was becoming aggressive. I called the gp to see if this was a side effect. They said they couldn't discuss my husbands medication with me. My husband didn't know i called them, it wasnt intentionally, but i just wanted to know. Anyone the gp called back and spoke to my husband saying i had called etc. This then started another argument.

My husband has good and bad days. Some days he will help with putting washing on and a little tidy up.
He never cooks any more and play the ps4 most of the time or watches tv. He doesnt go out unless i drag him out.. he has to come overwise the kids dont want to come. His rubbing off on them.

In fact i took my lg out today come home at 7.30pm and he and my son haven't moved. The flat is a mess and waiting for me to sort dinner out. I refused and locked myself the bath.

I have justed finished my math and English and was going to start my science course September. I want to be a paramedic but the way things are going i will have to put it on hold again.

I feel like im being selfish, and over thinking things atm. Maybe il have another bath (This is my happy place) and try and chill out for a bit. Or just have a glass or wine (i very rarely drink)

Thank you all very much for letting me rant. X
Melissa

You are not being selfish at all.

Your children are still quite young.

I think the GPs politely correctness is going too far in my opinion..you asked because your husband was aggressive towards you.

I would have felt bad too if I got in 7.30 pm to find nothing done. So hard on you when you are working so hard.

I am hoping someone else has more ideas its tricky if GP won't talk to you.
Whatever happened to confidentiality??
I would ring the GP practice and complain to the manager, and explain what happened as a result of the call to your husband, so the doctor never ever does this again to you, or anyone else.

If your husband just wants a slave and can't lift a finger, isn't it time you gave him an ultimatum? Sort himself out and make an effort, or leave? Marriage is a two way street, and he's not doing his bit, at all.
Im guessing he knows im upset with him.

He has got up and hung some washing out and even asked if i wanted some toast. Wow shocked.
His even doing the kids some breakfast. Its 10.20 and im still in bed this never happens.

Id like to think him helping today is going to last, but i know it wont. But id take anything atm.

As the gp, i did think this was breaking confidentiality on my behalf. He just didnt care, and still wouldn't help us out. To fair i dont think he is a good doctor. Thats what me and thr kids go to a different practice now.
I'm glad he's making an effort today.

He needs to be aware that there is a limit to your patience and that he must pull his weight at home, even if he's not well enough to go to work.

They are his children too, and he should always put their well being first, not his! That means preparing food at the right time if you are out. After all, it doesn't take much to do baked beans on toast, or oven fish and chips! These are my "survival food" at home. If all else fails, there is always something edible in the freezer.

If neccessary hide his devices or take them out with you!