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Sometimes we have to accept failure - Carers UK Forum

Sometimes we have to accept failure

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Really sorry to hear of everyone's difficulties caring for someone with depression or other mental illness. (I'm a carer, but only since my mother's brain scan showed physical destruction of brain cells. I used to "care" for her behaviour, but after I myself and daughter were medically diagnosed with psychological abuse and the Police said we had sufficient evidence to charge her with criminal abuse, I moved away.)

This will sound very harsh, but after my daughter in her teens briefly went off the rails some years ago now, I spent 4 years studying, talking to various professionals & privately paid a Psychologist to unravel some of the mysteries in my life. It became abundantly clear to me that it is simply not possible to help anyone, unless and until they ask and truly want that help.

e.g. A distressed person truly wanting to be healed might initially phone the Samaritans.
A disturbed person won't, but the spouse will wear themselves into the ground "getting help".

It's indescribably painful to walk away & accept that someone (like my mother) simply does not want to be "helped"; their fear is too great; they've never known a life without mental illness; know no other way; they've learnt behaviours to get what they want early in years; learnt how to suppress the pain; they enjoy their "bad" behaviour"; their traumas - to them - are worse than anyone ever experienced, and so - to them - no-one can understand, but they seek and keep the attention of a loving person. Once they get it, they sub-consciously revert to old learned behaviours. They are entitled to their depression. Hope this makes sense!!!

One sentence I picked up which has stuck in my mind:

"Depression is simply the body's way of saying to itself "my current way of life is intolerable, do something".

And most people do do something perhaps with anti-depressants as a prop, but there are others who are too damaged to understand.

Seems to me that often the genuine wife/husband of a depressed person is shoved away; the depressed person can no longer tolerate the intrusion (as he sees it) of 'help'.

"Those they need the most, when they need them the most, they push them away."
I know that this isn't a new post, but I've only just read it, and it makes sense to me - it seems to be like what my eldest son is like. Thanks, Jessie for posting x
I have not been here for a while as battling another episode-( traumatic admission and now long drawn out recovery - where i am shouted at one minute and charmed the next- we have developed rapid cycling - I hate this illness!!)

This thread is true but I don't want to hear it- I feel responsible for him and he knows it and plays on it, yet i know its his way of admitting also he needs some more help. But he also knows how to stay well and healthy but cant be bothered to do it so i try to help him but its not really my job to do this.

It is dragging me down with it - but I am not going to give up fighting and it that means acknowledging that I have done as much as i can and need to save myself and be very very objective about helping then i will have to try......but my heart does not want to do this- maybe its my problem about being needed and feeling special- maybe i just need to do some caring for animals or someone who does not throw it back in my face plus added insults.
I'VE BEEN A CARER FOR A PATIENT WITH SEVERE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY FOR MANY YEARS AND IT IS INDEED COMPLEX.DRUGS OFTEN DON'T WORK-WHAT DOES IS WORK IS PHONE SUPPORT-CONSISTENT AND DAILY OR VISITS IF YOU LIVE NEARBY.THE ONLY HIDDEN EXTRA IS THAT I'VE SPENT 35 YEARS READING BOOKS ON PSYCHOANALYSIS-THOUSANDS OF HOURS READING.PATIENTS WITH SEVERE DEPRESSION COULD BE ADMITTED TO DAY HOSPITALS-NOW LARGELY ABOLISHED!WITHOUT A CARER DEPRESSIVES ARE VERY LIKELY TO OD FATALLY.[/b]
WITHOUT A CARER DEPRESSIVES ARE VERY LIKELY TO OD FATALLY.[/b]
Yes, but it's the responsibility of this that wears carers out. Even with the most expert 24-hr support - and no one person can offer that alone indefinitely - a patient who is determined to OD will do so. The OD will either kill them (?as they have chosen) or get them the extra attention(?as they have chosen)

Either way, the Carer will be clinically exhausted. And either way, the patient get's what they want.

I'm not as hard as I sound, but I have experienced psychological manipulation. Sometimes we have to walk away, or drown in the patients pain.