Saying hello. Daughter has BPD

[bowlingbun]

Victoria, your daughter has the right to education until she is 25. It sounds like you are going round in circles at the moment. Can I suggest it might be helpful to talk to IPSEA and ask about residential education? Obviously it would need to be a very special place (there are a number of schools in the New Forest where I live for children with very special needs).

My own son, now 40) has severe learning difficulties, and my focus has always been what will happen when I'm dead, how can I make him as independent as possible ready for that day? I cried buckets when he moved into the boarding section of his school when he was 16, it was not what I wanted but it was what I needed to happen, as I was very ill and just couldn't manage to care for him so much any more. It was one of the worst years of my life, but he progressed and now lives in his own flat with carer support. He always comes home every second or third weekend, so never felt abandoned.

Don't give up work if it is not going to make your daughter improve. Try to find that special place where she has 24/7 support and becoming as independent as possible, ready for life as an adult, rather than stuck in childhood. Counselling would certainly help you through this incredibly difficult period.

[victoria_1911]

Bowling, she goes to college 3x a week although her attendance is very poor due to hospital admissions etc and she seems to really enjoy it; she says she does anyway .

[bowlingbun]

You have described what to me are some very serious problems.
Whilst she may enjoy college, if and when she goes, it's still not resolving any of the problems is it?
That's why I was proposing a residential college or similar where she has 24/7 support aimed at helping her manage her issues and develop into an adult who can manage without you.

[thara_1910]

I also recommend residential colleges for her. Visit some and look around, ask questions too. Find out as much as possible during your visit. She will thrive in such an environment.

[victoria_1911]

Are residential colleges free? I has a meeting with her psychologist yesterday and she's told me to not go back to work just yet as she's to unpredictable and needs the reassurance and knowledge I'm home for her if and when she needs it. I don't actually think her living away from me will help, I personally think it will make things worse being away from her family and friends.

[Rhona]

Hi Victoria. I agree with your psychologist about not returning to work yet. It is crucial that you are there for your eldest daughter at a time when she needs you very much. Tell your daughter that you're taking time off because you are very worried about her.
That's great that your daughter enjoys college. Encourage her to go to her lessons. For someone who is suicidal it is vital that she has some 'say' in decisions that affect her. So I wouldn't change her college unless that's what SHE wants.

[cheekipixi]

Hi Victoria,
I myself have bpd, bipolar, panic attacks, and a long history of overdoses and self harm, it's awful so I can sympathise with your daughter, I also have a son with Adhd, Odd learning difficulties dyslexia and anxiety so I can sympathise with you.
I have to walk on egg shells also. My son is 20 yrs old in January and I'm pleased to say as time goes by he gets more and more mature, he is very misunderstood as I was.
I was thrown out of my home at 16 yrs old and had to fend for myself, this helped me I suppose not to let my son down and help him as much as possible on my own.
Ss gave me hell for the first 10 yrs yes protection conferences, 25 different social workers, many many lies from them and much fighting by myself, in the end I had help from a solicitor who found that everything they did was unlawful, since then NO professional will help me.
Adhd team said I know more about adhd than they did ........rubbish......so wouldn't help, SS said my son didn't meet the criteria for help so I struggle on.
I would love to be an ADHD coach but cannot afford it.
Life is very cruel but I'm glad I experienced being thrown out at 16 now i know how NOT to treat my son.
Life is also weird, my mum is now 80 yrs old and has had 2 heart attacks, had a pacemaker and now has broken her leg in 4 places and will be in hospital for at least 6 months I've been told. I still do love my mum and still respect her and want to do everything to help her, but it's so hard juggling my mum and my son and I still have another 5 children to look after .....although 4 of them are in there 20's and 1 is 14 yrs old. My mum is in a hospital which is miles away and in the last week I've driven over 600 miles, even though money is very tight.
Sorry I've written a book but thank you for reading this.
I hope things get better for you in time Victoria
Xxxxxxx

[victoria_1911]

Hi Victoria,
I myself have bpd, bipolar, panic attacks, and a long history of overdoses and self harm, it's awful so I can sympathise with your daughter, I also have a son with Adhd, Odd learning difficulties dyslexia and anxiety so I can sympathise with you.
I have to walk on egg shells also. My son is 20 yrs old in January and I'm pleased to say as time goes by he gets more and more mature, he is very misunderstood as I was.
I was thrown out of my home at 16 yrs old and had to fend for myself, this helped me I suppose not to let my son down and help him as much as possible on my own.
Ss gave me hell for the first 10 yrs yes protection conferences, 25 different social workers, many many lies from them and much fighting by myself, in the end I had help from a solicitor who found that everything they did was unlawful, since then NO professional will help me.
Adhd team said I know more about adhd than they did ........rubbish......so wouldn't help, SS said my son didn't meet the criteria for help so I struggle on.
I would love to be an ADHD coach but cannot afford it.
Life is very cruel but I'm glad I experienced being thrown out at 16 now i know how NOT to treat my son.
Life is also weird, my mum is now 80 yrs old and has had 2 heart attacks, had a pacemaker and now has broken her leg in 4 places and will be in hospital for at least 6 months I've been told. I still do love my mum and still respect her and want to do everything to help her, but it's so hard juggling my mum and my son and I still have another 5 children to look after .....although 4 of them are in there 20's and 1 is 14 yrs old. My mum is in a hospital which is miles away and in the last week I've driven over 600 miles, even though money is very tight.
Sorry I've written a book but thank you for reading this.
I hope things get better for you in time Victoria
Xxxxxxx

So sorry to read all this, sounds like you've had a very, very tough time. You sound like a lady who's got her head screwed on though and a very strong lady too.

I also have 6 kids, eldest is 17 and youngest are twins that are 8. One of the twins is going through camhs for autism and adhd assessments. I'm desperate for some normality back. I went out for a drink last night with my partner and I just ended up crying. He's great though, I'm very lucky xx

[bowlingbun]

Victoria, you must have a Carers Assessment with so much going on, and ask Social Services for a "Care Act Advocate", someone independent to support you to get what you need.
With regard to education, you need to speak to IPSEA.
Sorry, it's late and I've had a mega hectic day, will be back tomorrow.