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Pushing a huge rock - Carers UK Forum

Pushing a huge rock

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Major sad rant follows, feel free to ignore

Well after over a year of thinking I was balancing on a tightrope while walking on eggshells, I've today realised what I am actually doing is pushing a huge very heavy and very stubborn rock up a hill.

The aim has been to stop the rock rolling back down and settling at the bottom where no one else sees it or is concerned about it.

But that rock is my son and I cannot bear to see him stuck, or rolling back to the bottom.
I have tried encouraging, cajoling and praising and sometimes the rock has moved forward, not much but a little. But everyday to keep it in place or stop it falling back I have to use all my energy and wits and it gets very very tiring.
Sometimes we progress. Mostly we don't. Because the rock doesn't see he has a problem and that he should be at least be taking his own weight and then moving forward to join the real human world. The rock doesn't see that doing nothing means he stays stuck or rolls back.
Currently he is further forward than where he was last year but it has taken so much of my effort that I am exhausted. I've tried looking after myself physically and mentally to face this task but I feel I am on my own. Friends and family ask me how the rock is doing, but they don't ask the rock. It's like I'm responsible for him and for his failure to progress.

I'm also embarrassed by the rock, it's like the elephant in the room that no one talks about. A huge visible/invisible problem.

I give the rock time to work things out for himself. I hit my head against the rock, I bite my tongue

I try leaving the rock so the rock can figure out his own route but he just stays there

I'm afraid if I try dynamite or other big guns to try to move the rock forward that the rock will crumble to pieces, or roll back

I'm afraid if I crumple the rock will fall.

As the rock is not a danger to himself or others GP and/or other services will not help.

Occasionally I cry/scream for help and hubby helps push or take some of the weight but this lasts only a short term as the rock appears much smaller to him, and he doesn't see the scale of the problem.

I dont want the rock to be in my house for all my life. The rock says he doesnt want to be here forever, but does very little to move himself forward. Yes he's applying for jobs but doing nothing to get the qualifications or experience that would actually mean he might get offered work.

I dont understand the rock,. Inside he is intelligent, loving, handsome so why is he here hiding from the world? He makes crap decisions and has very low self esteem, and anxiety hidden inside an overconfudant shell. Why is he a stuck rock rather then being whatever he could be?

Having been poorly I let my guard down today and said how I felt. I cried about how sad and frustrated I am that he won't learn and move forward. I asked him to go back to counselling. I was majority distressed and still am.

The rock said nothing, absolutely nothing, the rock is still there. Now I'm worried he will roll back a bit
(((HUGS))) I know that feeling, when you do your very, very best but just can't get it to budge. My rock is currently named "Hampshire County Council". I've just been advised by an eminent lawyer to go for a Judicial Review. I'm already shattered and ill, where can I, we, get the energy to fight on?
Don't feel ashamed of your outburst today, sometimes it's important to let others know how you truly feel. It's also a sign that currently you have the dreaded Clapped out Carer Syndrome. Any chance of you telling the others after the evening meal that you are going for a bath and early night as you "JUST CAN'T COPE TODAY, THEY'LL HAVE TO MANAGE BY THEMSELVES." (Sometimes the more invincible we try to be, the more others feel it's OK not to help).
Sending huge hugs Mrs A. Do you need to reset some of your goals, perhaps you are aiming too high? I am thinking of the yoga phylosophy here- working with the body (in your case your rock) that you have today and not the one you once had or the one you would like to have in the future. If rock has reached a plateau, can you plan around that, use 90% of yourself to maintain him at his plateau rather than 110% of yourself for something your rock can't quite maintain or get to right now.
Psychic Henrietta! !
It was a releasing yoga session that released the emotions!!
((( HUGS))) from pet 66 to the wonderful Mrs A.
Far from Mrs Average I add!
Thank you for the hugs. I've sent a fair few virtually in the past but never realised that receiving them can be so nice. They made me cry in nice way xxx

Pet, its definitely a below average day to day. I'm blaming the flu.
More hugs to you Mrs A ! I think the rock analogy will ring true with so many people myself included. I too have a rock to push uphill in fact mine seems to be trying to roll downhill as I'm pushing him up which just isnt working. I think you need to go easy on yourself take some time out to get well again otherwise you will burn out. I prescribe a large glass of wine ( or a large bar of chocolate! ) and a long soak in the bath. Maybe your rock needs to see that you're human and have needs as well not easy though I know. I wish you all good luck and hope you get better soon xx
Thank you Debra. Wine drunk and chocolate eaten :D
Does your rock not consider he has a problem either? Mine seems content to roll back, or that doing the minimum will bring maximum results ( even though he has had that belief for years now and had no brilliant result yet!)
My rock knows he has a problem but goes out of his way to sabotage his recovery. He is having talking therapy which i fought for and walks out halfway through because he is stressed! He knows alcohol will stop his meds working and goes out drinking and in turn stays awake all night then wonders why he feels rubbish. It's beyond exasperating . I also need him to move out but at the moment he is resistant to this. Sometimes I'm tempted to let my rock roll to the bottom and let him deal with it but I won't because like you I care too much
Debra, how old is your rock? I suspect his refusal to move out is based on the fact that it's "easy" when he's at home but knows when he moves out, doing nothing will no longer be an option?"