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Husband walked out - Carers UK Forum

Husband walked out

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Hi I am desperately looking for answers. My husband spent a month on a psychiatric ward in October for depression and non epileptic seizures and whilst there he got close with a 23 year old girl (my husband is 54). Well they have been phoning each other and now after 31 years of us being together he has walked out on me and the children and moved in with her 3 hours drive away. She lives with her father who is the same age as my husband, they think they are in love with each other. He has not made any contact with our children and has not made any attempts to speak with me with regards to financial arrangements (he has not withdrawn any funds from our account) He has run out of medication and I am not sure if he has registered with a Dr but he says he will not be contacting mental health services. I have been his full time carer for the past 15 years and I feel like I have been kicked in the teeth and we are all devastated. Any words of wisdom anybody please ......... Image
So sorry to hear that. If I was in your position I'd transfer all the money in any joint account into one in your name alone. May sound greedy or money grabbing but you still have kids and a home to look after.
((((hugs))))) DC
When something like that happens its difficult to know what to say. Image
I remember you telling us about this situation before when your husband was withdrawing from you. Im sorry its got to this level. I must say that I cant see it lasting, but that is probably no help to you.

I think you need to sort out the practical side as bowlingbun has suggested. He may come back, but its best to safeguard yourself.
I know that they often have long waiting lists, but it might be worth making an appointment with Relate, formerly Marriage Guidance, to help you decide where you go from here. Could you ever take him back, should you take him back? Huge questions, and it would certainly help to have some professional counselling to help you.
I think preventing access to your joint bank account by clearing it is probably problematic if all the family income - his included - is in there. But I would certainly transfer any money that is paid in from your income to a new account. Anything else could lead to an accusation of theft and for that matter could be treated as financial abuse under safeguarding regulations
Money in a joint account belongs to both people equally, either can withdraw it all. I know someone left penniless when her OH left and cleared the account. I would have thought that when someone with a mental health issue was concerned, protecting assets was the top priority. Protecting the well being of children also counts highly. After all, when the money is gone, it's gone forever. I didn't suggest going on a spending spree. There is a real danger that the new partner would though!
Thanks everyone, I am feeling really confused, my heart wants him back but my head is telling me no, but he seems happy at the moment and like people have said I can't see it lasting. I suppose I should just start getting on with my life and deal with the problem of taking him back should it arise (it can't come soon enough for me though) 31 years together is a long time, 15 of those years in a caring role, it's just too hard to forget and there have been plenty of good times. Family are telling me never to have anything to do with him again, but that is easier said than done especially when we have two lovely children together. Thanks everyone, at least I can pour my heart out here without being judged. xx
Im sure it must be a confusing time DC. (((((hugs))))) Sit tight, try and get your thoughts together and just take one day at a time.
Meanwhile, re the bank account - I cant see a problem with opening a new account just in your name and getting your (and the childrens) regular payments paid into that account so that it never goes near the joint account. I would also find out if there are any additional benefits that you are due now that he has said that he has left.
Thanks for all your support, I just don't feel like I am in control anymore. He says he will ring and then texts and says sorry for not ringing will ring tomorrow and never does. If I ring him he says he will call back and rarely does. When he does ring he calls me love and darling as if nothing has happened, it all feels so weird. Its only been 9 days since he left but it feels like a lifetime. My 12 year old bless him, bought me a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates to cheer me up and to say sorry for the situation and thanks for my support to him, he has got an old head on young shoulders, I just sobbed my heart out. I have been keeping busy tonight and have managed to hold the tears in just hope I can manage to sleep without the sleeping pills!xx
Try to work out your priorities for the next month - don't look too far forward. Protecting the kids as much as possible, keeping life as normal as it can be for them. Money to pay the rent and buy food. Making sure the kids are doing their homework and getting to school on time. My BIL walked out on SIL and just like your OH, he called her affectionate names, bought Christmas and birthday cards etc. Unbelievable. He's messing with your head. If you want control then you are going to have to be stronger. If you have something you need to discuss, perhaps relating to the kids, just decide a set convenient time for you, ideally when the kids are not around. Tell him that's when you will answer the phone if he wants to ring you, or you ring him. I was on sleeping pills for a while after my OH died. Is your body now so tired you can't function properly? If so, then you need the pills for the moment. Better to take them early and wake up early than not sleep, take them late and then have a "hangover" all Sunday when your kids need you. Hope that makes sense.