Possible end of line

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
Well, I definitely don't think you should consider having him back unless he has CHANGED TOTALLY. And I don't think he will, do you??

I would use this time take steps to safeguard your financial position.

And ENJOY having your life to yourself at the moment!!!
Thankyou Jane for you best wishes and support.xx
And Jenny for your understanding of the situation I am in at the moment.xxx

He has messaged me again,nothing's changed it's still my fault!!
He says that he is willing to change,but l obviously don't think l need too and he can't live with someone who won't meet him half way!!
The amount of times that l have pushed aside the way l feel and things l wanted to do to please him,l have lost count of and he now says that he can't live with me how l am now!!!

The more he messages me the more it hurts,but in the end it's making me realise more that l don't want the old life back!!
What he doesn't realise is that it's making me stronger to call it a day!!
The longer you 'live without him' the easier it will get. It will become 'the new normal' after a while.

I do think, most strongly, that whatever your 'ultimate decision' about whether to live together again or not, PLEASE make sure this 'gap' is sufficiently long for you to know that you COULD live 'well enough' without him, so that if you DO take him back it become a 'positive choice for companionship' not a 'negative fear of loneliness'.

By the way, what changes does he think you should make to 'meet him half way'? Can he spell them out!!!!!

Enjoy a good weekend, and keep busy with lots of 'fun or useful' things to do, so that you are showing 'Return on Time'....
There was a time,after yet another one of his ,"l'm leaving",that he wanted us to write down what we would like the other one to change about themselves!!
At the time l thought it just might help and we could then talk about it afterwards.
My list for him to change was:
1 stop getting so angry over things.Because when you get angry,you threaten,call me names and bring up things from the past (all of which hurt badly).
2 l need to be able to go out without feeling guilty.e.g. Speeding time with friends ect.
That was it,no more!!

His list for me to change was:
1 Be more supportive
2 Be less practical and matter of fact
3 Be more humble and not scared to admit to being wrong to save face
4 Give me the feeling that l am wanted as your partner and not just someone who shares the house with you.
5 stop making me feel second rate
6 Be the soft,warm women that l met,not the hard spinster you think you should be.
7 stop trying to please others at the detriment to us
8 please be the person l married.

We then write down what we love about each other!!
My list was:
1 l love the hugs and attention you give me (when you are in a good mood)
2 the little "l love you" that you say from time to time
3 your laughter and banter with people
4 l just love you!!

His list was:
1 l love the way you wince your nose
2 l love when you snuggle up to me in bed
(So far so good!!)
3 l used to love when you looked to me for assurance and opinions
4 l loved when l felt you needed me
5 l loved when you use to make me feel that l was your rock
6l loved when you use to look at me and l knew you were saying you loved me without having to say it.
7 l loved your softness,warmth,and vulnerabilities which made me feel that l could protect you while still having your independence and individuality.

Well Jenny these are the things he wants me to say l can change, to meet him half way!!
Well if you knew me then you would know that l do do most of these things ,but he can't see it and yes l agree there are some things that l don't do any more,because l'm not 19/20 years old.
We have both recently told each other that we have both had" enough",l'm tired of the verbal and emotional bullying.
And l agree that l need time to be on my own to really make up my mind now!!
Hmm, he wanted a 'little girl' not a wife, by the sounds of things!

Time to remind him of the lovely 'exposition' of Genesis:

'God did not make Eve from Adam's head, that she might rule over him
Nor from his foot, that he might rule over her.
But from his rib, so that they would stand together
Side by side
Shoulder to shoulder.
Partners.'

It's got to be EQUAL, the support and 'looking after' etc etc.

(LOVE the bit about YOU having to admit you're wrong! Does he apply that to himself?)
Littlebowpeep wrote:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:10 am
Thankyou Jane for you best wishes and support.xx
And Jenny for your understanding of the situation I am in at the moment.xxx

He has messaged me again,nothing's changed it's still my fault!!
He says that he is willing to change,but l obviously don't think l need too and he can't live with someone who won't meet him half way!!
The amount of times that l have pushed aside the way l feel and things l wanted to do to please him,l have lost count of and he now says that he can't live with me how l am now!!!

The more he messages me the more it hurts,but in the end it's making me realise more that l don't want the old life back!!
What he doesn't realise is that it's making me stronger to call it a day!!
Dear Littlebowpeep

“Love is not love which alters it when alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no! It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken; it is the star to every wandering bark whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out, even to the edge of doom."

Shakespeare (Sonnet 116)


You have both changed, but your husband is longing for the way things used to be. For the woman you were, for the man he was. The longer you both wrangle with your emotions, the more damage is done to your children. Try if you can to make a clean break of it for the sake of your children. There is no going back to the way things were - that is sheer fantasy on your husbands part. A relationship has to accommodate changes, and expand and grow - or it is doomed.

Good luck! xx
Thankyou for you reply.
That is exactly what he wants,Jenny and l can not be that girl any more!!

He use to apologise after a melt down,but not now.
If I have said something that l feel l need to apologise for,most of the time l don't get the chance to,because he just shouts me down and by the time he has calmed down,l think sod you!! (This isn't me,but it has ended being me )


I agree I need to find me,now and be here for my children who are teens and need more emotional support from their parents!!
Definitely your children are more worthy of your time and attention than him.

It's sad he is so 'emotionally immature' that he can't cope with a 'grown up' wife, but there it is. Not your problem any more!

Plan some 'nice times' with your kids!
Well he has made it official,he has decided to finish our 25years of commitment,love and friendship which we had in our marriage!!

I am so shocked,that he has decided what he wants after just 1 1/2 weeks of being appart!!
I feel that he had already worked out what he wanted and was just waiting for me to say to him to leave,then he can tell he's family and friends that it was my decision!!!
I also feel that there is another women involved,not sexually,but someone who has influenced his decision,who is also going through a divorce.But of course l haven't got anything to prove this!!
I will probably never know,but it won't change his decision!! :(
Apols - you 'slipped down the list' - will reply soon!!!

How are things as of today??