Possible end of line

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
I can understand indeed why you would not want to 'put upon' your children, I was thinking more that they have a diferent 'view' of his behaviour, which might be helpful to you to factor in?

Any movement yet on the 'we need to have marriage counselling' front???
Hi Jenny,the two children have slightly different views on the whole situation,but both agree that time away would be good.
I am waiting for him to go first and then if he decided to return then l will be saying to we need to go to marriage guidance!! I have been looking into it,so l have all the details before hand,because l know he will be making all the excuses under the sun not to go.

It has been hard this past week because his family is here for a holiday and he has been trying to be the happy husband that l wish was always around.But they can see behind the mask and they know the true full story,not the interpretation from my husband!!

He has been trying to move the date of going,but l have said no,which has made the atmosphere worse and he is now trying to make me out to be the bad guy,but if that's what it takes to hopefully get a happier future,then so be it!!
I need to be looking after me,now!!
Unless you take control, things are never going to get better. At least you know the in laws understand what is happening. Can you get them to help lever him out?
Hmm, him deferring, yet again, his departure date really does seem to indicate that he does not actually want to leave - what he wants is for you to 'knuckle down' and be the kind of wife he wants...

I suspect that originally, when he declared that he would leave you, that was actually for the purpose of scaring you into 'backing down' (ie, being the 'good little wifey' that he craves), and it backfired on him when you accepted his departure.

Now he can only keep postponing it...

I would continue to make it totally clear to him that the deal is this -

Your marriage has a chance if, and ONLY IF, it is HE who changes - ie, stops being the husband he was, and becomes a true equal partner etc etc.

Otherwise HE leaves.

Just to be sure, COULD you actually walk out on him if necessary, or would the practicalities be horrendous, and financially punitive?
Yes that is exactly how he is trying to play it ,Jenny!!
He was meant to be going with his family for two weeks back to England,it has how changed again to flying over on the 8th of September!!
He then infront of the family asks if that's ok?
Which makes me seem the bad guy when I say no!!

He has twisted it around to now make it out that l have asked him to leave (not that he has been threatening to leave for months )and that if l can't change(because he has made the effort to change,according to him!)then it's over anyway,because he is not prepared to live with me how l am.
So he is packing a large case now,which is going back with his son to England,then staying with a friend until the 8th!!

Yes l am telling him to leave,for a couple of weeks,but in his head if he leaves than it is all over!!!

Ahhhhhh.........he is doing my head in!!!!
If he doesn't go to our friends at the weekend then l can stay at someone's until he does leave!! But l need to get my two children sorted at there schools before hand,they are now both off to college,where they stay for the week(normal procedure in France), on Monday!!
Then it's seems to be all change for my life and the future that l thought I was going to have :cry:
Well he's gone!!
He was meant to only be going away for a few weeks,but he has told me that it's going to be at least two months!!

We had agreed that the only contact that we had with each other was to do with our joint company or the children,but tonight he started asking how l was,when l told him that l was sad,lonely and spent all day indoors,he replied that it was my idea that he left!!
I replied that he had forgotten that he had told me many times that he was going to leave me!!
But yet again this situation is all my doing ? :(
I have now been told that he's done!! (Meaning it's over!!)

I knew this might happen,but it hurts!!!
I still love him so much,he is my soul mate.
Well, I really didn't think it was going to happen!

Do you think he'll actually stay away?

Yes, it will, of course, be all of 'YOUR making', as he rewrites 'truth' to suit himself.

What are you going to be doing now you have the house to yourself? You're bound to feel a bit 'blitzed', and yes, mourn a little too, but this is a golden opportunity to 're-stabilise' yourself and realise you may WANT him, but you do not NEED him, to be happy yourself.

Sadly, as you yourself are probably only all too aware, not all 'love' is healthy for us. It can just be an unhealthy addiction alas.
Littlebowpeep wrote:
Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:13 pm
Thankyou Jenny,
I have had a wonderful talk with my children today and by the end l felt a weight lifted,l know what l need to do to make their lives better.
I wish now that l had the courage to get out earlier for the sake of the kids,but l kept thinking l was doing the best thing for all of us.
I am sending you so much love and strength. I too lived with someone with health / mental health problems for 20 years and in the end he blamed me for all the unhappiness - saying it was up to me to change. It never occurred to him to change himself. Now he has a girlfriend who is a trained nurse and who is far less "demanding" than I was. Good luck to her!

Save yourself. Save your children. Wave goodbye, then stand back and see how he gets on. In the meantime, get on with following your dreams, and making a new life for yourself and your children. It doesn't mean you don't love him still, it just means you love yourself more. xxx
Hi Jenny,l'm not sure if he wants to return or not?

The last conversation l had with him,he said that he was finding the break easier than he thought it would be,but at the moment he is around his family and friends,like a holiday.We will see when he is alone,how he feels.

In the mean time l have some great friends who are helping me and supporting my wishes!!
And who knows l might even not want him back. ;)