Possible end of line

[Littlebowpeep]

Hi all,
Well l know that some of you are going to say"I told you so "
But it really does look like a separation now
We tried,but after a month things were back to normal.
My husband wants the 24years old back that he married and after everything that we have been through that girl is no more and as much as l want my husband to stay with me l can not be that person.
He has said that he feels that the lady that l am today does not show him respect,love and admiration.
That he loved my warmth,softness and vulnerability that l use to have!!
None of that has gone,yes l have changed from that young girl,l had too,but l have not changed the amount of love that l have for him!!
I have accepted the many changes of character,physical appearance and attitude to life that has come with his illnesses and general older age and still love him to bits,but he can not accept any of mine.
He has told me that I need to change and accept that l need to change for him to stay!!
Well this time it's a no!!
I have send that l am not going to change and he needs to work out if he wants to stay with me the way l am,or leave!!
He is leaving to have a couple of months break to think about it.

[Pet66]

Hi
No one will say ' I told you so"! You've been very fair and I admire you for giving your relationship a chance. Is not your fault, and time to consider yourself now.

[Littlebowpeep]

Thankyou pet66
I do feel that l have tried many times,but I'm tired and have been going through so many emotions to the point that l have lost weight!!
He still keeps trying to get me to give him some attention,hugs ect and then still telling me he wants to leave!!
I need him too leave,sooner than later,but his oldest son is coming over for a holiday and then my husband's going back to England with him.So l will have to wait.
I hope that he can sort out what it is he wants!!

[bowlingbun]

I'm not going to say it either. The most important thing is that your conscience is never going to say "I should have given it one more try". You've given it your very best shot, and it wasn't you that failed. The next few months are going to be very tough, but then it hasn't been easy for a long time, has it? This time next year you should be well on the way to a calmer, better life. We will give you all the support we can, as it's a site for former, as well as current, carers.

[Littlebowpeep]

Thankyou bowlingbun,
I know it's not going to be easy,but will take each day at a time!!!
I have some wonderful friends were l can go to around me,but they don't always understand the intensity of looking after someone with mental health problems!!
So it is great to have the forum to speak to like minded people.

[jenny lucas]

Hmm, call me cynical, but I don't think he has any intention of leaving!!!!! This is a 'control' issue - ie, to keep you 'wrong footed' and himself 'in charge'.

I just don't see him going back to the UK with his son.

Tell his son when he arrives you want him OUT and that is that.

Well done on not giving him affection - he can't have what he does not deserve.

(To be fair, it COULD just be that he is suddenly realising that yup, he's screwing up his marriage big time, and finally sees what he's done to you - but like I say, cynically, I doubt it.....)

Keep strong - you are going to need it!!!!!!

[Littlebowpeep]

Funny you have mentioned that Jenny,because he came to bed last night (we have a large super king so plenty of room with space in between),woke me up to say that he loves me and doesn't want to loose me,that he will accept that l have changed .Then wanted a hug ect!!
Well the answer to the hug was a definite no and l said l will talk to him in the morning!!

Well you can guess that l have been up all night,thinking,he will be going back with his son.l need him to really be clear on what he wants for his and if possible our future together.
But if he returns there will be counselling(which he doesn't feel it's worth doing)
And a strong warning that if this ever happens again,l will not be accepting him back!!!
Myself and my children had been through so much the last few months and l am not prepared to do it again!!

[jenny lucas]

Insist on the counselling as any condition that he stays AT ALL for even a BIT longer.

The reason he is refusing counselling is not because he thinks it's pointless but because he knows full well he'll get it with both barrels from the counsellor, who will see right through him.

If you DO let him stay, set a time limit of say, two months, in which he has to PROVE he's changed. Keep notes and keep score. Tell his son this.

He is 'on approval'.

He MUST change - that is the price he has to pay for you spending ANY more time on him.

At some point though, if he does NOT change sufficiently, then you MUST pull the plug on him - otherwise he will go on stringing you along all your life.

What do your own children say? They seemed to have him bang to rights, so their insight is valuable to you!

[Littlebowpeep]

He saw a counsellor once,the only way to get him to do this was to sneakily make an appointment for him,which he has never for given me for.
According the him the counsellor was surprised that he was there and said he didn't need to go back,only to check on how his upgraded tablets were doing!!
I keep getting told this and because l was in the room with him l don't know what was said.But l am surprised if this was the case,if it was the counsellor obviously wasn't very good (i'm sure you can not judge a patient in just one appointment) or my husband put on a very good show (which he can,but as l said I'm sure a counsellor needs more than one appointment to judge!!)


If my husband returns it will be in the agreement,from me that we see a marriage counsellor,which I'm hoping will see that there is more to the problem than our marriage!!

[Littlebowpeep]

The chidren,Jenny,are great and very helpful,but I'm worried about putting too much into their shoulders.The oldest has had problems with depression and has just been told by his girlfriend that she wants to break up!! And the youngest just wants us to be together and is trying his best to keep us both happy.
But he does understand that his dad needs to go and sort himself out!!