Possible end of line

For issues specific to caring for someone with mental ill health.
He set a day to move and has change that date three times,the last time it was going to be in three weeks,but l said that it wasn't fare on all of us with the tension in the house,so he's leaving sunday!!

I am hopeing to stay in france,but l will need a job!! Not the easiest thing to find in the area I'm in and only having basic french,but l will try my best.

I am under no allusions that it's going to be a walk in the park,but my life for 14years has been no picnic,it's just going to be new and different challenges!!
Here's to the future :P
It's going to be a tough day, think about how any upset can be minimised. Each tiny step is a step forwards, and there will be days when you struggle. Think of a toddler learning to walk, every so often they trip up, and have to get up again. That's what I did when I was widowed. Also try and find some good in every day, sunshine, birds, flowers, anything that is good.
Thankyou to you all for your replies and support.
Hopefully things will work out for the best,l will be taking one day at a time and in the end feel like me again!!

;)
Well done!

Just a point, but when he leaves the house, change the locks. Better still, sell up and move pronto. He will find life 'outside' not the rosy place he thinks, and I'll put a fiver on him 'regretting' it and trying to get back to you.

Don't let him.

Make sure your children keep you strong in this.

ALL the best with the rest of your life - YOU DESERVE IT!

PS - what would be best is if he found his adoring young new love (!!!!!) ASAP, and whilst he is busy in la-la land with her, you get your separation complete, both in terms of accommodation and financial and legal, etc, so that when the la-la bubble bursts (it will, it will....) you are 'safe' from his trying to get back to you. Stay firm! He's had more than his fair share of your life. Time for YOU to have YOUR fair share of your own life now!
Hi all,
I know this will come as a shock to most of you and you'll be screaming "don't do it".But he eventually sat down and talked about it and as a family we have decided to have another go!!

How did we get to this point?
He went to talk to the neighbour he was going to stay with ( his bags were packed) and returned wanting to talk(because she told him too).
The kids told him how they felt,without any involvement from either of us, he had his say,which was still the same things ;
Didn't feel l loved him,he felt worthless,l didn't praise him enough to other people,he was the head of the house and what he says goes,he has the final decision,he didn't feel that the kids respect him ect.
But,yet again after the boys talking to him about this he still couldn't see that they do love him and respect him and just kept saying that we are all ganging up on him.
He still will not accept to going to see a councillor of any type and he was still going to leave,it was only as he was at the car that he was is tears,the youngest was asking him not to go and in tears and l was inconsolable,then he came back!!!
Once it had calmed he said he would stay,but things have to change!!
Sounds a bit one sided you say..........yes it might be,but l won't be walked over,l have said that l will be getting a part time job (he didn't like it but tough),he can cope for a while without me now,he's well enough to do so!!
And l will be thinking of me more,l will show him l love him more,not that l haven't before and many of our friends have said the they can see how much we love each other!!!
Do l think it will last............we will wait and see,but at least l can say l tried,again,to keep us together and that the kids still have a family together.(Which the youngest is happy with,not to sure about the older!!).
I will be making the most of the summer holidays with the kids and enjoying every minute.
Hopefully he will see that we all love him dearly and will cope with family life,but this is the very last time l will be threatened with him leaving and l know both kids would understand,if l throw him out next time!!!
It's worth giving it a go BUT on a highly temporary basis.

I would, if I were you, write out a kind of 'contract' with him, and with your children, and that you ALL sighn it as a Letter of Intent.

Set a time limit - one month, to be extended to a second month if the first month proves OK.

WIth the contract, set out what you will and will not do - eg, you WILL be more affectionate to him (ironically of course, he is 'driving you away' with his 'bad behaviour!) but he WILL be more appreciative/less critical of you (etc etc)

If, after a month, you feel he's abided by say 80% of the terms (don't expect 100%!), then you can extend it for a further month.

DO watch out for 'lapsing' ...ie, he will 'try' and 'get back to normal' (ie, HIS idea of normal!) and you must be on the watchout for 'backsliding'.

The children are on YOUR side, and keep them there as your 'guard-dogs' against his backsliding.

I would also suggest making, each of you, a list of the TOP THREE priorities - ie, the things that MOST 'get to you' and that you most want to change, and ensure that they, at the very least, are achieved in this 'trial month'.

He MUST accept this IS a 'trial' ONLY, and that you are NOT just 'being whipped back into line' blah blah blah.

I think controllers CAN change, but they MUST make an effort, and stick to it. Changing the power structures in a marriage is always hard work, but it can be achieved.

He has a lot to 'accept', eg, your working part time (good for you!), but his choice is NOT:

- Leave or go back to the way it was

It is:

- Change his ways or leave.

THAT is the difference! He ONLY 'gets you back' if HE changes!!!!! (And you will reward his changed character and behaviour with a lot more affection and admiration! Because, of course, IF he changes he WILL be more loveable and deserving of praise!!!!!)

I wish you all the best, and remember - it's a TRIAL only. It's up to him now to make this work!!!!!
Hi
I'd suggest writing down the key points agreed to and get him to sign and date it. Having it in writing makes it much more real and so much easier to refer back to if and when things start to go wrong. Even if he won't sign it, it might make him acknowledge what he is agreeing to. If he can't acknowledge it now then you know he didn't really mean it.
Thankyou for your replies,but I'm not sure a contact would help!!
I know that if l gave him a contract or paper to sign it would make things worse,but that doesn't mean things will be forgotten,especially by me and my children.

We have done a huge amount of talking and things have changed ,for the good!!!
One of the problems that he spoke about ,(which l had already guessed),was a friend who he had found again around two years ago on fb.She was a ex from when he was 15/16 years old.I had no worries of him contacting her at first,but he went through a melt down and became consumed in messaging her his problems,to the point of saying that at least someone loved him.So l read his messages(which l have never done and will never do again),where she was saying how wonderful their relationship was and reminiscing over the good old days!!
At that point he got through the melt down,he knew l had read the messages and l warned him to be careful,because he claimed that she also suffered,mildly from MH problems.I did not stop him messaging her because he would only told me were to go!!!
So life continued and every now and then her name would crop up,usually when he had got himself so worked up during an argument,he would say again at least someone loved me and l could go to them.
He did tell me that they had,had a big falling out over something so petty and he had stopped messaging her.
So l thought great hopefully no more threats of leaving ect
But it was too long after that l was being told that she was having problems with her husband and that they looked as if they were splitting up.
And yet again,if there was an argument between us or he had a go at the kids,he would bring up the l have someone who cares about me,ect.
But lately it got to,l have someone to go to,i'm having an affair( which l did say it's amazing what you can do over the internet).
Well he has now explained to me that because his ex was having problems and telling him,he then was looking at our relationship and noticing that we were the same!!!( Most being in his head).
And as many MH suffers this had played in his mind,but instead of talking to me got worse,until we were at the point of nearly no return!!

But after a huge chat he has now blocked her and agreed to work out his problems with me!!
But l am under no illusions and if we get back to that situation him wanting to leave then it will happen!!!
Thankyou again for allowing me to have my rant!!!
Sometimes just writing things down and shuffling them into order helps get things more organised in our heads. (I had to do this concerning a planning issue I was helping a group with yesterday, and it was exercise for the "little grey cells").
Do you think your husband would find it a useful exercise to write down his thoughts on paper and prioritise what it is that's chewing him up so much?
When I was drowning in a sea of work after too many relatives died, I saw a counsellor. He wanted me to "open up, shout, scream, whatever it takes" but I'm not that sort of a person. So I wrote down my thoughts on paper as "homework". It really helped me, and helped the counsellor understand me much more.
Thankyou for your suggestion,but l know he just won't do it and will probably just be annoyed with me for suggesting it.
At the moment things are going well,so I'd rather keep it that way!! ;)